Truth and your relationship

[AKA_Monet]

If you are getting married... Like you have the date and funding set with the dress and invites have gone out...

No romance without finance is a nuisance. Debt will MURDER a relationship. And in these days, you don't want to be someone who owe the loanshark down the street vs. his/her house being foreclosed. The BS takes your taxes once you are married unless there is a pre-nupt...

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by BetteDavisEyes

How's this for honesty.

A friend of mine from high school had a somewhat "wild" past that included drinking, drugs, and random sex. She cleaned up her act, got a degree, and became a born-again Christian. She's a truly sweet woman and a great person. She dated and became engaged to "Chris" who claimed he accepted her and her wild past though he did not want any details whatsoever about her wild past. He told her they should both let it go because if God forgave her for her sins, he could do so as well. 3 months after the wedding, "Chris" files for divorce because the subject of having children right away or waiting came up and she admitted that she had an abortion years before they met. That was the one thing his beliefs would not let him forgive so he ditched her for telling him the truth.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Funny how peopel say that and then the moment they learn somehting that skews our view of what we may perceive as someone compatible or 'perfect' and we are running for high ground...kinda makes watching Moment of Truth so painful to watch hmmm?

I think this is true for people who haven't learned from their past relationships, but I've learned from mine. I know what I want, and what I don't want in a woman. Like I was saying in another thread, I think it's important to set a boundary with your past, that is, to deal with your old dating patterns as something that you're not destined to continue. I think your past can be your best friend or worst enemy in terms of helping you develop the right sort of dating relationships. Of course, no one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background, or you may be a very well-rounded person. I think these are certainly advantages. But even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, has to be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error. When I posted my earlier post I meant what I said and I said what I meant, based on past relationships with the wrong women. I think these past relationships can provide a great deal of necessary information on what to do and what to avoid in dating, either through the satisfaction of doing it right, or the pain of doing it wrong. The women I've dated in my past, I wouldn't give the time of day to now. I tolerated more back then. Now, there are certain things that I won't tolerate. There's no such thing as the perfect woman. But for me, when boundaries are set in place, they just keep out the wrong women. My reason for a zero tolerance policy.

[James]

I generally found that women want men to be completely honest upfront . . . so they can figure out how much to tell us about themselves.

[lilzetakitten]

There was a letter to Carolyn Hax that was really close to this a few days ago... the letter writer's DH came to her and told her that he'd had a vasectomy while he was with his ex-FI. This was six months AFTER their wedding, and he knew she wanted kids. I felt so bad for her. That was waaaay too late. As for "upfront" I think that depends on what upfront means. "Hi, I'm Fred, I've had a vasectomy!" is a little too open. I think big (more private) things, such as STDs or major debt should be put out there after a few dates when it looks like things could be going somewhere, but no one is committed yet.

[christiangirl]

^Wow. That is horrible.

I think people should just be getting to know each other "in the present" when they first start dating. The past should come in later in relationships because who we were in the past is secondary to who we are now. However, if your past is intruding on your present, that needs to come out sooner than later. Like if you had children in the past, they are still there in the present. Maybe not bring them up right after you introduce yourself, but not after being engaged. If you don't have unprotected, casual sex anymore that's great. But if having done that at some point left you HIV positive, that needs to come up.

As far as family issues, finances, fertility issues...let it all come out when you're ready to say it. But don't wait till after the wedding or even just before the wedding to be honest. At my friend's wedding, her pastor didn't ask if anyone knew any reason the 2 should not be together. He asked the two of THEM if there was anything they needed to confess to each other because once the deal is done, there is no turning back. That was what they really need to ask during weddings, lol.

[Sunflowers]

I'm a bit on the different side. I prefer open, unabashed honesty, because I give it in return. I cannot and do not hide parts of my past because I am ashamed of them. It is against my nature. However, I understand this is a difficult thing for most people to do themselves, so I can be somewhat understanding when others do not feel the same way.

Also, I have a story for you guys.

I met my BF of three years at work. He and I hit it off as friends within a week or so, and it did not look to be progressing to anything more because we were both with partners at the time. Of course, things occurred - my significant other at that time cheated on me (multiple times, I came to later find out), as well as his FI cheated on him as well.

We began to date. He wanted complete honesty. I did as well. I gave it; he did not. Over the next year, I continued to catch him in these little lies about his past that he had hid. It hurt me because of how much honesty was stressed in our relationship by both parties. It took two years to be able to finally forgive him, but I did - he had no malicious intent when he hid what he did, merely embarrassment of what he had done in the past. Something like that I can forgive.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Just left it broad to simply let it go where ever it would go....but please feel free to tighten it up as needed....

ideas

- past lovers

- health issues

- family

-finances

You all can feel free to take your pick and go for it.

I know women (and men) say they want to know, but I don't think it's a good idea to disclose. Whether the number is high or low, it puts unnecessary pressure on the other party. The only reason I'd need to know about past lovers is if it's someone that is close to me (friend/relative) or if it encroaches on your present, i.e. STIs.

Health Issues (outside of STIs), it depends on what the issues are and where in the relationship you are. If you need a liver replacement for whatever reason, that isn't for me to know on the third date. But if we are approaching serious relationship, I'm calling you my man and vice versa, then that information needs to be shared.

Family, for me personally, it is one of my ultra private realms. Not everyone I date (and by date I mean going out/getting to know you phase, not boyfriend phase) is going to meet the family. I barely know you, so I'm definitely not going to bring you to all the family functions like we're a couple. In the same token family information (relationships/lack there of, issues, situations) are out of your pervue if we are just dating. As the relationship develops, then family introductions, information, etc. begin to happen.

Finances is the same as family. Only when we are nearing/in a relationship do we need to share intricacies of debt.

[DaemonSeid]

...would anyone ever consider having a background check on someone and if so under what circumstances?

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

...would anyone ever consider having a background check on someone and if so under what circumstances?

Nope. I say so because if I feel the need to go to the lenghts of a background check, then I feel said person isn't being honest with me. And there are other ways to address that before seeking a background check. If I feel unsatisfied with being upfront/honest about needing/wanting to know more information or if I feel like I am being lied to, then its time for me to reconsider the relationship.

[DrPhil]

No.

[I.A.S.K.]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

...would anyone ever consider having a background check on someone and if so under what circumstances?

Definitely! I'd run the whole battery of tests. Background, Credit, STD, etc. before I married any man. I wouldn't do it secretly. I'd let him know what I intend to do and why I intend to do it. If he's uncomfortable and/or can't understand why its necessary then he's not meant to be married to me. Would you merge your Fortune 500 company with a company that you haven't thoroughly vetted? No. So, why would you merge your life with someone who you haven't fully vetted? This insn't one sided either. I would submit to all of the tests as well. They would not be optional for either of us. He needs to know as do I. There may be some things that you want to keep in the past, but if its big enough to show up on a background or credit check then it probably needs to be known.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

...would anyone ever consider having a background check on someone and if so under what circumstances?

No. It's just that background checks don't really show what makes or breaks the relationship. At least it doesn't for me. I dunno, I guess the things I look for are based on his personality.

[33girl]

If I met someone on the internet, I'd be background checking him before I even met him. I've learned from others' mistakes. I'm talking a guy who lives far away, not someone who I happened to meet online who lives in the next neighborhood over.

[Little32]

I prefer honesty, upfront and always. This doesn't mean that he has to tell me everything about himself on the first date, but if I ask him a question I want an honest answer.

As a relationship unfolds, the nature of the questions change. For me, I have certain questions that I ask and need to have answered before the relationship progresses to the next stage (but not necessarily before, unless it just happens to come up). I hope for and expect complete honesty when he is answering those questions and I reciprocate with total honesty.

I know of one instant where something about me has definitely damaged the relationship, but that has not stopped me from being honest about that aspect of my life in subsequent relationships. It's nothing that I have to be ashamed of, it was just that dude had a particular hang up.

I have never had to think about a background check. I have never gotten to the stage that would require one of those.