What defines a helicopter parent?

[Kasey383]

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

[pbear19]

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by pbear19

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

well said.

I was working on my own response to srmom, but you said it best.

ETA: I also agree that some of the current moms are certainly not helicoptering, but I can also appreciate that long-time GCers have been subjected to those who were, which can make one skeptical of all moms who show up for the first time during recruitment season. Does it make it right? No. But, I can see both sides of the issue.

[33girl]

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by 33girl

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

But no one's been cut out or dropped out of recruitment yet or matched to the "wrong" group.

That said, I don't think that every mom interested in how her daughter is doing during recruitment is a helicopter mom.

But here's the thing that I think parents over thirty should ask themselves: can you imagine your own parents doing the stuff that you are about to do. Unless you had especially neglectful parents, if the answer to the question is no, you are probably stepping into helicopter land.

I think parents tell themselves that life has changed in some profound way to justify doing things for their kids that parents didn't need to do in previous generations, and the truth is that no such change has really taken place. The world has always been dangerous and somewhat hostile. Schools have always had policies that didn't necessarily result in kids getting what they wanted. Desirable classes, clubs and activities have always excluded some worthy kids. It's not normal to think that you need to intervene to change the world to get your kid what your kid or you think your kid wants right then.

Simply because we have technology today that makes doing more for your kid easier doesn't mean that you should do it.

(And I'll say that I don't think getting recs for your daughter is new or helicopter-y really. I think recs have always been a game played with parental connection as much as personal connection to the girl. Now, contacting the people who do actually know your daughter (like teachers) rather than contacting people who primarily know you (like people you knew in college) is helicoptering because that's something your daughter should do.)

I also think a standard for helicoptering that would be very hard to recognize in one's self but that tends to be more transparent to other people is the motivation for the parental action. Are you doing stuff for your kid because you have no life and accomplishment of your own at present? At the point you are doing stuff for your kid because you live through your kid, you've got a problem. I'm going to add, although I want to make really clear that I'm not calling anyone on GreekChat out, that I think the spouses who stay at home but who are uprooted by their spouses career frequently are most at risk for this if they don't watch themselves. It's really easy in a new community if you don't work to let setting up your kid's life take over. And once everything you do is about the kid, the lines of healthy behavior are harder to see.

[SWTXBelle]

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

[GeekyPenguin]

I was a tour guide at my law school for the last three years. I am also young enough to probably be a millenial myself. That being said, here's a normal parent vs. a helicopter parent:

Normal Parent: Comes on a tour or to admitted students day or orientation. Parents and spouses are encouraged to attend these at our school, so this isn't too out of the norm. My mom didn't come to admitted students day because she wanted me to decide for myself without her influence, but I did bring my boyfriend to orientation. The parent will ask a few questions of the tour guide, like "Is my kid going to be safe in this city?" or "How did you cope with the stress of your first year?" Parent might even pull me aside while the prospective student is in the bathroom and ask a few questions that the prospie might find more embarassing to overhear. Throughout the day parent is quiet and taking in information, generally hanging back from the tour group. When I explain Bar Review (weekly social event), parent says to the kid "That sounds like a good way to make friends."

Helicopter Parent: Comes to a tour, admitted students day, and orientation. Stands in the front of the tour group at every stop, asks what professors the prospie should be sure to take, what section the parent should call the school and ask to have the student placed in, what clubs are available for "us" to join, etc. When I explain Bar Review, parent says to the group "Well my special Susie is a serious student and she would NEVER drink on a weeknight." Calls admissions office. Emails me with followup questions.

There is a huge difference between a normal, concerned, loving parent who wants to help their kid make a decision and a heli-parent who will be right there making every decision for them. These parents I encountered were parents of kids who had done well enough in college to get into law school, and the kids were all at least 21 or 22 now.

I'm also not even sure it has to do with age - there is a guy enrolling for next fall at my school who is only 18. His dad came to visit day because the student was a minor and couldn't get a hotel room to stay overnight, but his dad was really laid-back the whole day, and his only question was if somebody at the law school would be able to make sure his son was living in a safe neighborhood. I had other prospective students who were older than me (I'm 25) who had both parents there hovering over the whole time and telling me how good Wonderful Will's stats were.

[AGDee]

My mom told me one time, when I was a teenager (and it really stuck with me)...

"The hardest part about being a parent is that if you do your job right, your kids leave you"

Walking that line between helping them learn to be independent adults while dealing with your own difficulty in letting go of them is tough.

I think when you're actually dealing with/interacting with parents regularly, the difference between a healthy involved parent and a helicopter parent is clear. We have the capability of checking our kids assignments/grades online daily in our school district. I keep an eye on how my kids are doing, especially my son, who tends to miss assignments here and there. So, I check him. When he's missing something, I bug him to turn it in, talk to the teacher about it, etc. That's all I do. I have talked to parents who email or call the teachers themselves to get the kid excused from those assignments. Interestingly, it's my son who needs the prompts to talk to teachers if there is a problem and my daughter is the very independent child who handles everything herself. She's the oldest perhaps? She had good elementary teachers too, who she could always talk to. My son had some really bad experiences with elementary teachers so it may have instilled some difficulty. My son also has a harder time with anticipated change and always has. That first week of middle school was tough for him. I'm sure to point out to him how successful he was in spite of his fears about it all to make him see that change isn't bad. It's all about encouraging them to be independent though. I don't know if it's because I'm a single mom working full time and I need them to be more independent or what. They might call me at work asking if they can go do something and I will say something like "You'll need to find a ride" and they make the arrangements themselves. I don't have the time or energy to do it all for them.

I do think technology has made it easier. It was easy to make long distance calls when I was in college, when in the dorm room, but how often was I in my room? Plus, I couldn't afford the bill. It was very expensive, relative to today. My land line at home now has unlimited nationwide calling. That concept was totally foreign, and that was 25 years ago. I talked to my parents once a week and that was pretty much it.

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

I think you might be on to something. I think SOMETIMES divorce/single parenthood brings out heliparentitis. A single parent becomes so attached to a child that they have trouble letting go because they don't want to be alone. And the child is so used to the attention that they don't understand why they aren't "special" to everyone else in the world.

[33girl]

I don't know. I am an only kid, of older parents, but they were more overprotective than helicoptering. IMO 2 different things. I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced, to ride a skateboard, to do some of the things the kids in my neighborhood did. Then again, I don't know anymore how much was my parents & how much was just me not being asked.

GP's story reminded me of something my mom told me when she came back from 7th grade open house. My friend D and I were both in "enrichment class" for brighter students in 5th/6th grade and our moms became good buds. Well get to jr high, everyone was asking questions and D's mom said "is this an accelerated class?" My mom said she was so embarrassed she wanted to fall through the floor.

Oh and t*p brought up a REALLY good point about the "everyone gets a trophy" bullshit. I got one trophy when I won a poster contest and STILL am proud of it. When that kind of reward is everyday, I don't know how you can cope with losing anything.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Kasey383

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

Oh, it was happening long before cell phones. The helipcopter moms of Boy Scouts in our troop (30 years ago) used to drive my father crazy. In my experience, you can often pick out the helicopter-parents-to-be when the kids are in kindergarten. (See SWTXBelle's falling down example. Or go to a kid's soccer game.)

As a parent, I agree with srmom, at least up to a point. I think there is a big difference, for example, between

(1) the mom or dad who comes to GC with questions to better understand how rush/recruitment works, what's involved, how it's changed since they were in school, etc., so that they have a good point of reference when talking with their children and can be a good parental sounding board if asked and if appropriate; and

(2) the mom or dad who are running the show for the kids and don't wait to be asked or worry about whether they're keeping the kids from making their own decisions and their own mistakes.

The former parents know when to say "you've got to figure this out/take care of this yourself." The latter don't.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

I don't know if my mom would be considered a helicopter mom, but she was a very controlling mother. She didn't do stuff for me. She made me do it myself. But she had her ideas about how I should live my life, and it was like "This is the college you're going to. This is what you're going to major in." As for joining a sorority, my mom didn't get why I was getting involved in student orgs. She's the stereotypical Chinese mom. She didn't understand why networking and developing leadership skills and learning to work in group setting were important. She would get mad that I wasn't spending all my time studying in library.

She kinda acted like she owned us because she gave birth to us. My freshman year of college, my mom was waitressing at a Korean/Japanese restaurant. The owner asked her if I would be available to help bus tables on New Year's Eve. My mom didn't even ask me if it was ok with me. She told the owner "Oh yeah, she'll do it. I'll make her". I was pissed when she told me. I would have been fine with it if she had asked me first. She, of course, got angry that I was "giving her attitude and being a spoiled brat".

I eventually had to cut her out of my life, for my own sanity. She constantly belittled and invalidated my feelings. When at 19 I told her that I was depressed and suicidal and had been since I was 12, she told me that I was ungrateful for everything she gave me and all the sacrifices she made for me. She told me that I had no right to feel what I felt because I hadn't had the rough childhood she had. She told me that it was because I had too much time on my hands...that if I had to work three jobs like her, I wouldn't have time to think my stupid thoughts. Then she told me that if I really felt my life was so awful, maybe I should just go kill myself. And the bullshit thing was that I had always been there for her. Growing up, I had been her confidante. She would tell me how I was her best friend. And looking back, I think it was unfair of her to be confiding in me about how her marriage was falling apart when I was 14. But I was there for her. I was a good listener. I was a shoulder to cry on. And so it hurt so much that she reacted the way she did and that she wasn't there for me when I had been there for her. And it was so painful to see her being there for her boyfriend and being supportive when he was feeling depressed.

She lives less than 20 miles away from me. I haven't seen or talked to her in more than four years, and I have absolutely no desire to do so ever again.

Sorry for all the rambling and ranting, but I do have a point. For me, I woud define a helicopter mom as someone who wants to have control over every aspect of her child's life and who behaves like what she wants for her kids supercedes what her kids want for their own lives and who acts like her kids are just an extension of herself rather than their own separate persons. I feel like they hold on so tight because they're trying to keep their kids. However, all it's going to do is either hamper your child for life or cause you to lose them forever when they finally get the balls to get out of that bad situation.