Discouraging Someone From Rushing

[fantASTic]

RedRover: while that is understandable, she must recognize that:

a). She DOES NOT KNOW that he will not receive a bid,

b). She is NOT responsible for his actions,

and

c). By telling him that he has no chance, she would be basically telling him that she thinks he is worthless. Her time is better spent in condolences IF he does not receive a bid. I would never tell my sister, sister-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, etc that they have no chance of getting a bid. That is not my decision nor is it kind.

[Thetagirl218]

Originally Posted by fantASTic

RedRover: while that is understandable, she must recognize that:

a). She DOES NOT KNOW that he will not receive a bid,

b). She is NOT responsible for his actions,

and

c). By telling him that he has no chance, she would be basically telling him that she thinks he is worthless. Her time is better spent in condolences IF he does not receive a bid. I would never tell my sister, sister-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, etc that they have no chance of getting a bid. That is not my decision nor is it kind.

fanASTic! You stole my answer!! Shame on you!

Anyways, I totally agree, by telling someone they have no chance of getting a bid you (or your friend) are telling that person that they are worth less in your eyes and can't live up to your standards!

I have seen people I know that I thought had no chance at ever joining a GLO, rush, successfully receive a bid, and become better people because of it!

[KSUViolet06]

He may or may not get a bid, but I fail to see what the harm is in rushing. At the least, he'll come away having met some new people. Why discourage that?

[texas*princess]

i'm with everyone else on this.

i know plenty of guys who were "geeky" in high school that went on to be successful in college and in good chapters.

It is not her business to intrude like that and try to deter him from rushing b/c she doesn't think he will get a bid. That is up for the fraternities to decide. For all we know, he may find the right group of guys who teach him how to dress and how to shed his "geekiness" without losing himself. During the process, he may decide the whole greek thing is not for him.... who knows.

That is not up to her to decide even if she is trying to spare his feelings.

[ladygreek]

Your friend is going to be an obnoxious sister-in-law.

[Xidelt]

Originally Posted by ladygreek

Your friend is going to be an obnoxious sister-in-law.

This girl already is obnoxious.

She was an officer in a sorority on a campus where greek life is big. Wow. Good for her. Here's her cookie.

I was rush chair in a local. Am I even worthy to be commenting on this?

PS Please tell her I said to get over herself.

[RedRover]

The young lady in question is a very compassionate woman who has devoted much time and energy to various good causes, working with people in various states of distress.

I truly believe that she has her future brother-in-law's best interest at heart.

One need only read some of the postings about first year college students (usually women) who are "released" from rush to know how painful and traumatic experience can be for some.

I sincerely believe that she wants to spare the young man any pain that might arise.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by RedRover

I sincerely believe that she wants to spare the young man any pain that might arise.

You've said this several times. Most seem to feel she should give him insight, tips and encouragement (tinged with constructive reality), but let him make his own decisions and experience rush if he wants to. You continue to stress that she wants to keep him from rushing completely to avoid any pain at all costs. So you don't really seem interested in the feedback here and she doesn't even know (I presume) you came here asking for it. So this is accomplishing exactly... what?

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

You've said this several times. Most seem to feel she should give him insight, tips and encouragement (tinged with constructive reality), but let him make his own decisions and experience rush if he wants to. You continue to stress that she wants to keep him from rushing completely to avoid any pain at all costs. So you don't really seem interested in the feedback here and she doesn't even know (I presume) you came here asking for it. So this is accomplishing exactly... what?

I agree whole-heartedly. If she really has his best interests at heart, she will NOT try to discourage him from trying something that may actually be good for him. If she is really as caring and helpful as the OP says, she should USE HER KNOWLEDGE of the Greek system and HELP HIM.

I realize that people get released from the rush process everyday and yea, the feeling will likely suck if it does, but if she isn't even going to let him try, he could be missing out on something that may actually improve his life.

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

You've said this several times. Most seem to feel she should give him insight, tips and encouragement (tinged with constructive reality), but let him make his own decisions and experience rush if he wants to. You continue to stress that she wants to keep him from rushing completely to avoid any pain at all costs. So you don't really seem interested in the feedback here and she doesn't even know (I presume) you came here asking for it. So this is accomplishing exactly... what?

exactly. everyone(besides me) has given the same advice-let him make his own decision, and be there to cheer him on or for support if he is unsuccessful in obtaining a bid.

i said perhaps if the young man waited a year, got his college act together(got some college credits under his belt, saw how the guys on campus dress,made friends in the dorm and in the fraternities, he might have more success, if he truly is as unfortunate as the future sil thinks.

no one has endorsed that the future sil tell him not to rush,ever, but that seems to be what you wanted to hear. i agree that this would just crush the young man, no matter what the sil's intentions are. does she want the whole bunch of in-laws mad at her even before the wedding takes place?

[lilzetakitten]

Originally Posted by RedRover

I truly believe that she has her future brother-in-law's best interest at heart.

One need only read some of the postings about first year college students (usually women) who are "released" from rush to know how painful and traumatic experience can be for some.

I was released from recruitment the first time I went through. It was very painful and very humiliating. But I can tell you, with complete certainty, that it would have been so much worse to have a friend or family member tell me "Don't even try. There's no way you're going to get in."

And on the geeky note: I know a guy who was pretty geeky in high school. Short, skinny, looked like his grade level was actually his age, a bit in his popular older brother's shadow. He went to college, grew about 8 inches or something ridiculous like that, changed his hair, and became very confident. He's now pretty popular, very attractive, and I have the good fortune of being the person that gets to marry him.

People change after high school.

[DSTRen13]

My husband was a geek in high school. He was still a geek in college, and is still a geek now. And he loves his fraternity

[LucyKKG]

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

And on the geeky note: I know a guy who was pretty geeky in high school. Short, skinny, looked like his grade level was actually his age, a bit in his popular older brother's shadow. He went to college, grew about 8 inches or something ridiculous like that, changed his hair, and became very confident. He's now pretty popular, very attractive, and I have the good fortune of being the person that gets to marry him.

People change after high school.

Aww how cute!

My boyfriend recently confessed to me just HOW many hours of Everquest he used to play (not like I really even know what that game is), and I guess he used to be pretty awkward, shy, etc. He's still shy in some situations, but hey, he's the philanthropy chair of his fraternity. That's gotta say something. Oh yeah, and he's dating me, so he must've done something right.

(I kid, I kid. I'm not that arrogant...)

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by RedRover

A young woman I know is in a situation and would like some advice . . . .

Originally Posted by RedRover

. . . I truly believe that she has her future brother-in-law's best interest at heart. . . .
I sincerely believe that she wants to spare the young man any pain that might arise.

I agree with everyone else. If she really wants advice and she sincerely cares about her future brother-in-law and wants to spare him whatever pain she can, then she should either (1) give him the benefit of her experience by giving him whatever encouragement and helpful advice she can, or (2) keep her mouth shut.

She can't save him from the pain of how others might react to or judge him, nor would it really be in his best interests for her to try. But she can save him from the pain of knowing how she judges him. Being rejected by strangers wouldn't be nearly as painful as knowing that his brother's new wife thinks "he is the type of guy you would fix up your roommate with for the April Fools Day dance."