Discouraging Someone From Rushing
 

A young woman I know is in a situation and would like some advice ...

Her fiance's brother will graduate high school this year. The young man has been accepted to a number of colleges and is still waiting to hear from some others.

Some the colleges to which he has been accepted have strong Greek communities. He has indicated that that he is most interested in joining a fraternity.

The problem, my friend say, is that her future brother-in-law isn't likely to get a bid from a fraternity, even the lowest ranked organization in the pecking order. I should add that my friend went to university with a strong Greek system, was a member in and officer of a sorority and pretty much dated only fraternity men while in college (her fiance went to a college that didn't have fraternities or sororities).

She says her fiance's brother has an effeminate voice and mannerism, is unathletic to the point of being a total klutz, and is painfully shy. She said he is the type of guy you would fix up your roommate with for the April Fools Day dance. She added that he is very intelligent, hard working and has a dry sense of humor.

She says she knows that there is no way that the young man will get a bid, she said she known too many fraternity members to think otherwise.

Short of playing Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle, she wants to discourage him from rushing and getting hurt. Best case scenario: she hopes that he will attend one of the colleges that do not have a Greek system. Worst case scenario: that the young man is in for a bitter disappointment.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanx

perhaps your friend could suggest that the young man wait a year before he rushes, suggesting that he get used to college life and joining a non-greek activity or club. she could suggest that should he decide to rush his sophomore year, he would know the lay of the land better(ie-he would know which chapter he might fit in better).

maybe by that time, he would figure out for himself that the odds are slim that he would be invited to join, or (hopefully) he will be so happy and involved with his other activities that he doesn't have the spare time to devote to fraternity membership or he just might make a lot of friends his first year at school that are in fraternities that appreciate his dry sense of humor and see how he could be an asset to their chapter and he would be offered a bid.

how cruel that she describes him as a person you would fix your roommate up with for an april fools dance. i find it hard to believe that he has no redeeming qualities. i hope that he waits a year , rushes and gets a bid, just to prove her wrong!

While she may indeed be an expert on the Greek community at her alma mater, it is a bit of a stretch to say that she is one on ALL Greek communities. I think the best thing she could do is give him advice on how to go through recruitment IF he goes to a college with a Greek system. Thank God, not all GLOs are looking for the same type of member. There may very well a home for him, even if it is not one she would think of as "top- tier". She should make sure she lets him know that he might not get a bid, but other than that, she should leave membership selection to the fraternities at his school of choice.

Amen.

To the OP: Why is this situation any of your friend's business? If she's in a GLO, she should know membership is a personal decision. If he wants to pursue membership, she needs to stand back and let him do it.

Knight Shadow, my friend is trying to spare her future brother in law some hurt that she thinks is inevitable

RedRover: while that is understandable, she must recognize that:

a). She DOES NOT KNOW that he will not receive a bid,

b). She is NOT responsible for his actions,

and

c). By telling him that he has no chance, she would be basically telling him that she thinks he is worthless. Her time is better spent in condolences IF he does not receive a bid. I would never tell my sister, sister-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, etc that they have no chance of getting a bid. That is not my decision nor is it kind.

I'd think better to receive a hurt from those you don't know well (the fraternities) than to seem to be told by someone you care about that you are somehow not worthy. Especially if that is not necessarily the case . . .life is full of hurts, and no matter how much you want to avoid having those you care about be hurt, the fact of the matter that growth and maturation are often the result of a hurt. The WORST that can happen is that he goes through recruitment and doesn't get a bid. But . . .if he doesn't try, then the BEST that can happen - he finds a fraternal home - cannot happen. Who is she to deny him the CHANCE, only the chance, of succeeding? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Unless he's going to be suicidal if he doesn't get a bid, what's it going to hurt to go through?

It's not impossible.

Just a funny story that might put this into perspective for you:

My very close friend told me that in high school, she was fixed up with this geeky guy for a prom. He was nice, they had a good time, and that was that. She did this as a favor. He was fixed up with her because he couldn't get any girls from his HS to attend.

Fast forward one year. My friend entered a big 10 school as a freshman, and this campus has an enormously competitive Greek system. Imagine her surprise walking around the quads, when she noticed her former prom date, sans geeky glasses and zits, with contacts, cool clothes on, and a pretty girl walking with him. She nearly died seeing him like this, as he looked so changed! She said hello and although he noticed her, he did not make eye contact. He probably was embarrassed to see her and didn't want reminders of the past. Rude, but typical. He had apparently joined a popular fraternity on campus and shed his past awkwardness. Even made it into one of those hunky calendars that the sororities sell!

People can change. Hopefully your friend will be find his footing, get into a house, but not lose himself completely in the process.

I do not think it is appropriate to try to shield other people from getting hurt (unless you believe they will become a danger to themselves or others). People should take risks in life; sometimes they won't work out, but that may be when the person grows the most.

I know a guy just like the one described above who recently got a bid to Lambda Chi Alpha on my campus.

Effeminate to the point that it's annoying and all he does is gripe and complain.

No one knows whether or not this young man will get a bid. There's no point in telling him he won't before he even knows what school he's going to. And, as it was stated above, the fiance knows greek life on her campus--and only her campus.

I'd leave well enough alone.

fanASTic! You stole my answer!! Shame on you! :)

Anyways, I totally agree, by telling someone they have no chance of getting a bid you (or your friend) are telling that person that they are worth less in your eyes and can't live up to your standards!

I have seen people I know that I thought had no chance at ever joining a GLO, rush, successfully receive a bid, and become better people because of it!

Your friend is going to be an obnoxious sister-in-law.

i'm with everyone else on this.

i know plenty of guys who were "geeky" in high school that went on to be successful in college and in good chapters.

It is not her business to intrude like that and try to deter him from rushing b/c she doesn't think he will get a bid. That is up for the fraternities to decide. For all we know, he may find the right group of guys who teach him how to dress and how to shed his "geekiness" without losing himself. During the process, he may decide the whole greek thing is not for him.... who knows.

That is not up to her to decide even if she is trying to spare his feelings.