For the ladies.. "Why aren't you married?"

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by TRSimon

Just what folks want to hear at the annual Christmas parties.... LOLOL....

Hey Soror!

[tld221]

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

I dont want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasnt exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til death do them part, but i dont know anyone who can testify.

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

as you can tell, i'm a cynic. but im also young, so maybe i have a few years of learning.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by tld221

He gets to leave, start all over. .

Any man who does that, isn't a man.

[aideclaire]

God is either preparing me for him or him for me...that is all.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by tld221

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

Sounds good to me Soror.

Originally Posted by tld221

I don't want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasn't exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til' death do them part, but I don't know anyone who can testify.

I can. My parents would have been married 64 years this past Dec 20th. He passed away 4 years ago. They had their share of arguments and bad days but the good outnumbered and outweighed that and the most important thing is they loved each other. The were together through a war (he served WWII) , Civil Rights movement, assassinations of Malcolm X, Dr. M.L.King Jr., two Kennedy's, through 12 U.S. presidents, the 8-track tape, Voo-Doo economics, etc..you get the picture. Although divorce was available then, it was never a thought in the bucket because they came from the old school thought you only marry once. They stood by each other and for each other which seems to be an elusive thing these days. Now, he never abused her (and vice versa) as in physical, emotional or verbal. They would surprise each other with gifts and trips but never bought their love. They appreciated each other until his last breath and she still appreciates him. This is why I haven't married yet. I just turned 40 last month. I have yet to find a man (prior to my current boyfriend) strong enough to commit to one person who is strong in his own right (spirit, emotionally, physically and individually). I realize today is a different day but when I see my friends getting divorced with kids (young kids) and they were only married less than 5-10 years, to me it makes no sense. (or couples who never married but had a gaggle of kids) No one ever said marriage was easy, it's not supposed to be but the journey is a learning one and nothing can compare to it. We all have our own path to take and yours is yours alone.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by tld221

as you can tell, I'm a cynic. but I'm also young, so maybe I have a few years of learning.

Nothing wrong with being cynical but don't let it cloud your thoughts and opinion. Learn what you can and grow from it.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by tld221

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

Hey, firstly, you are not cynical. Whoever is saying that to you, ought to be mindful of his or her words.

Secondly, a cheating spouse: That is key in SELECTING your mate NATURALLY... You WILL know when your spouse cheats if you have been hurt before. There are telltale signs. One has to live an a bunch of denial to not need the flags, herrings and caution tapes. I mean, do you think most folks have that much stealth that they would NEVER get caught? Crap like, staying out all night, hangups and phone calls during crazy hours, called from creditors as to when to pick up or drop off big ticket items, missed special days and holidays... Stupid stuff. Besides, if you and your family love you alot, do you think that God would allow you to be immersed into that lunacy?

What I find in my past utterly failed relationships, was I was doing ALL the bolstering to make the relationship work, while the man was pimping me. That is when I called it quits.

I can see why many ladies are fearful, or gunshy or leery about future relationships, it burns alot when one fails. I know. If you stop yourself from feeling because of the fear of painful memories, you also stop yourself from feeling the joys of everlasting love. You just take the good with the bad and hopefully, the good outweighs the bad. There is give and take and sometimes you will be doing more of the giving and he will be doing more of the taking...

But when you say those marriage vows, you have to MEAN them and make for them NEVER to be broken or cast asunder. Marriage is a judge of character for BOTH people...

I think young people today grew up with more divorced homes. For the most part they really have seen oogobs of marriages succeed. But for some reason, young people DESIRE marriage and they are investigating how to MAKE it work between two people.

However, your issue sounds more like folks defining you and your relevance--i.e. if you are not married, then you are not.... I know that is a bogus crap antiquated thing to do, but until those folks die, and renewed definers of the world create a different epistemology, you are going to get that. If you do not choose to be married, the so be it. Great choice. But, if you truly desire marriage when you meet the right person, a great choice also, but there is more to it that just a wedding...

[Velocity_14]

I'm just not ready. If my current boyfriend is then one, then the time will come and we will be in position if/when the time is right. However, I am still young and more concerned with getting all of my ducks in a row first. I just want the finances to be right on BOTH sides, stable jobs in place...stuff like that. I'm trying to be on God's time and not my own...

[BlueReign]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Hey, firstly, you are not cynical. Whoever is saying that to you, ought to be mindful of his or her words.

Secondly, a cheating spouse: That is key in SELECTING your mate NATURALLY... You WILL know when your spouse cheats if you have been hurt before. There are telltale signs. One has to live an a bunch of denial to not need the flags, herrings and caution tapes. I mean, do you think most folks have that much stealth that they would NEVER get caught? Crap like, staying out all night, hangups and phone calls during crazy hours, called from creditors as to when to pick up or drop off big ticket items, missed special days and holidays... Stupid stuff. Besides, if you and your family love you alot, do you think that God would allow you to be immersed into that lunacy?

What I find in my past utterly failed relationships, was I was doing ALL the bolstering to make the relationship work, while the man was pimping me. That is when I called it quits.

I can see why many ladies are fearful, or gunshy or leery about future relationships, it burns alot when one fails. I know. If you stop yourself from feeling because of the fear of painful memories, you also stop yourself from feeling the joys of everlasting love. You just take the good with the bad and hopefully, the good outweighs the bad. There is give and take and sometimes you will be doing more of the giving and he will be doing more of the taking...

But when you say those marriage vows, you have to MEAN them and make for them NEVER to be broken or cast asunder. Marriage is a judge of character for BOTH people...

I think young people today grew up with more divorced homes. For the most part they really have seen oogobs of marriages succeed. But for some reason, young people DESIRE marriage and they are investigating how to MAKE it work between two people.

However, your issue sounds more like folks defining you and your relevance--i.e. if you are not married, then you are not.... I know that is a bogus crap antiquated thing to do, but until those folks die, and renewed definers of the world create a different epistemology, you are going to get that. If you do not choose to be married, the so be it. Great choice. But, if you truly desire marriage when you meet the right person, a great choice also, but there is more to it that just a wedding...

Wow! Good stuff AKAMonet. We owe you for that advice. I see a lot of good stuff here. DSTChaos, that was right on time.

Soror Ninja, my parents had the same kind of marriage. They went through some stuff before I was born. I overheard my father ask my mother for forgiveness a few years before he passed. I think the fact that women are not as dependent on their husbands financially is why marriages don't last. Women feel like they don't have to put up with stuff to keep a roof over their heads so they don't. But then what you have is a lot of "pretend" couples, like Soror tld said.

[rhoyaltempest]

Originally Posted by tld221

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

I dont want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasnt exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til death do them part, but i dont know anyone who can testify.

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

as you can tell, i'm a cynic. but im also young, so maybe i have a few years of learning.

I know it's hard to think out of the box when you've seen the same things over and over in marriages but remember that your relationship can be whatever you want it to be. I think the thing that can set some couples up for divorce is that they do the same things that they saw others do. Sometimes it's not necessary or good to repeat the habits of other couples. One thing I've learned in my marriage is that you don't have to follow anyone's example of what a marriage should be and what the rules and roles are. Do what's best for you and your spouse; do what you want to do and how you want to do it. Handle your finances differently if you want. Brake those traditional roles if you want and do what works best for your unique relationship. Who says that there is only one example of how to have a good marriage? Maybe the popular or traditional example is not the best example and never was. We have to remember that the old/traditional model of an independent male and dependent female no longer works in most cases and probably never should have so we have to create new models. This is the challenge for young couples today.