For the ladies.. "Why aren't you married?"

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally posted by Bajan_Delta
I'm getting married!!

Congratulations!!

[NinjaPoodle]

TTT * topic worthy of more discussion

[TRSimon]

Just what folks want to hear at the annual Christmas parties.... LOLOL....

[Benzgirl]

I hate this question and I get it at least once each week.

My responses depend on my mood and who is asking. Here are some of them....

• "You now owe me $20 bucks." (I don't tell them why and really have no reason that I said it)
• "why should I, your marriage didn't last" (Only to someone I don't like)
• "I'm not a serial bride like you are" (ditto, and I did say it twice.)
• "So you are on marriage number 3 and you are 35 years old. You have used up my share of weddings."
• "Didn't you marry and divorce one of your ex-husbands twice?"
• "I hate silly games at bridal showers"
• "Is this a proposal?" (the guy must be worthly of this response)
• "I'm a liberal"
• "I'm impossible to live with" (there is a lot of truth to this answer)
• "I can't live on a schedule" (all truth)
• "I don't need to"
• "Why"
• "I plan to be a hermit after I retire" (I say that one all the time to my mother)
• "There is no room for anyone to move into my house" or "there is no closet space left" or "I have too much furniture to make room for anyone else" (all truth)

But, all I really want to say is, "none of your G. D. Biz"

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by Benzgirl

I hate this question and I get it at least once each week.

My responses depend on my mood and who is asking. Here are some of them....

• "You now owe me $20 bucks." (I don't tell them why and really have no reason that I said it)
• "why should I, your marriage didn't last" (Only to someone I don't like)
• "I'm not a serial bride like you are" (ditto, and I did say it twice.)
• "So you are on marriage number 3 and you are 35 years old. You have used up my share of weddings."
• "Didn't you marry and divorce one of your ex-husbands twice?"
• "I hate silly games at bridal showers"
• "Is this a proposal?" (the guy must be worthly of this response)
• "I'm a liberal"
• "I'm impossible to live with" (there is a lot of truth to this answer)
• "I can't live on a schedule" (all truth)
• "I don't need to"
• "Why"
• "I plan to be a hermit after I retire" (I say that one all the time to my mother)
• "There is no room for anyone to move into my house" or "there is no closet space left" or "I have too much furniture to make room for anyone else" (all truth)

But, all I really want to say is, "none of your G. D. Biz"

LOL!!!!!!

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by TRSimon

Just what folks want to hear at the annual Christmas parties.... LOLOL....

Hey Soror!

[tld221]

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

I dont want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasnt exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til death do them part, but i dont know anyone who can testify.

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

as you can tell, i'm a cynic. but im also young, so maybe i have a few years of learning.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by tld221

He gets to leave, start all over. .

Any man who does that, isn't a man.

[aideclaire]

God is either preparing me for him or him for me...that is all.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by tld221

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

Sounds good to me Soror.

Originally Posted by tld221

I don't want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasn't exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til' death do them part, but I don't know anyone who can testify.

I can. My parents would have been married 64 years this past Dec 20th. He passed away 4 years ago. They had their share of arguments and bad days but the good outnumbered and outweighed that and the most important thing is they loved each other. The were together through a war (he served WWII) , Civil Rights movement, assassinations of Malcolm X, Dr. M.L.King Jr., two Kennedy's, through 12 U.S. presidents, the 8-track tape, Voo-Doo economics, etc..you get the picture. Although divorce was available then, it was never a thought in the bucket because they came from the old school thought you only marry once. They stood by each other and for each other which seems to be an elusive thing these days. Now, he never abused her (and vice versa) as in physical, emotional or verbal. They would surprise each other with gifts and trips but never bought their love. They appreciated each other until his last breath and she still appreciates him. This is why I haven't married yet. I just turned 40 last month. I have yet to find a man (prior to my current boyfriend) strong enough to commit to one person who is strong in his own right (spirit, emotionally, physically and individually). I realize today is a different day but when I see my friends getting divorced with kids (young kids) and they were only married less than 5-10 years, to me it makes no sense. (or couples who never married but had a gaggle of kids) No one ever said marriage was easy, it's not supposed to be but the journey is a learning one and nothing can compare to it. We all have our own path to take and yours is yours alone.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by tld221

as you can tell, I'm a cynic. but I'm also young, so maybe I have a few years of learning.

Nothing wrong with being cynical but don't let it cloud your thoughts and opinion. Learn what you can and grow from it.

[DSTCHAOS]

I am surrounded by successful marriages, as well as marriages that lasted decades and ended in divorce.

Learn from these but do not allow what you learn to provide a self-fulfilling prophecy. The men and women in these situations are not you and the man you will be with. Take the general lessons but do not try to apply them too much to your life because they won't always apply.

Being cynical is okay if it keeps you realistic and conscious. Not if it scares potentials aways and gives you a huge chip on the shoulder that prevents you from having a successful marriage.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I am surrounded by successful marriages, as well as marriages that lasted decades and ended in divorce.

Learn from these but do not allow what you learn to provide a self-fulfilling prophecy. The men and women in these situations are not you and the man you will be with. Take the general lessons but do not try to apply them too much to your life because they won't always apply.

Being cynical is okay if it keeps you realistic and conscious. Not if it scares potentials aways and gives you a huge chip on the shoulder that prevents you from having a successful marriage.

YES, YES, YES! You read my mind

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by NinjaPoodle

YES, YES, YES! You read my mind

Everyone has their own baggage. We deal with it, accordingly.

Most people are so afraid of being hurt or disappointed. After they've scared all the potentials away and ruined enough relationships, they say "there are no good men/women out here" or "God meant for me to be unmarried (which is possible however it often isn't)."

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by tld221

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

Hey, firstly, you are not cynical. Whoever is saying that to you, ought to be mindful of his or her words.

Secondly, a cheating spouse: That is key in SELECTING your mate NATURALLY... You WILL know when your spouse cheats if you have been hurt before. There are telltale signs. One has to live an a bunch of denial to not need the flags, herrings and caution tapes. I mean, do you think most folks have that much stealth that they would NEVER get caught? Crap like, staying out all night, hangups and phone calls during crazy hours, called from creditors as to when to pick up or drop off big ticket items, missed special days and holidays... Stupid stuff. Besides, if you and your family love you alot, do you think that God would allow you to be immersed into that lunacy?

What I find in my past utterly failed relationships, was I was doing ALL the bolstering to make the relationship work, while the man was pimping me. That is when I called it quits.

I can see why many ladies are fearful, or gunshy or leery about future relationships, it burns alot when one fails. I know. If you stop yourself from feeling because of the fear of painful memories, you also stop yourself from feeling the joys of everlasting love. You just take the good with the bad and hopefully, the good outweighs the bad. There is give and take and sometimes you will be doing more of the giving and he will be doing more of the taking...

But when you say those marriage vows, you have to MEAN them and make for them NEVER to be broken or cast asunder. Marriage is a judge of character for BOTH people...

I think young people today grew up with more divorced homes. For the most part they really have seen oogobs of marriages succeed. But for some reason, young people DESIRE marriage and they are investigating how to MAKE it work between two people.

However, your issue sounds more like folks defining you and your relevance--i.e. if you are not married, then you are not.... I know that is a bogus crap antiquated thing to do, but until those folks die, and renewed definers of the world create a different epistemology, you are going to get that. If you do not choose to be married, the so be it. Great choice. But, if you truly desire marriage when you meet the right person, a great choice also, but there is more to it that just a wedding...