Race issues/questions in children

[SWTXBelle]

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media. The same thing drives so many teen girls (and now, boys!) to eating disorders in a drive to fit what society (really, the media) decides is beautiful. I myself remember feeling simply horrible as a teen because I was small chested, short, and pear-shaped. Why didn't I look like the girls in the magazines?? Well, cause only about 3 percent of the population looks like that.
I think almost every parent has to deal with some form of their children not feeling they fit the standard. It's hard, but the fact that you are aware of the problem means you are well on your way to helping your daughter feel good about herself.
I have two daughters, both of whom are, in my totally unbiased opinion, beautiful. However, daughter #1 is short, brunette, and just had surgery on her lower jaw to correct a "bull dog bite". She has always felt overshadowed in the looks department by daughter #2 who is average height, blonde, blue-eyed, and the more conventionally beautiful. I had to tell my family when she was a child to NOT go on and on about her looks. Now that they are teens, daughter #1 is a TERRIFIC human being - caring, giving, intelligent, and wise beyond her years. Daughter #2, whom I love, is, I must say, more interested in being social. I really think she has been handicapped by her good looks - she can and does coast on them. Her grades aren't as good as #1, but she doesn't care. To tell the truth, she is not as loving and gracious as her sister. I'm not saying this is all because of her looks - but I have noticed that those who can coast on their appearance often do.
My point? Your daughter is so blessed to have a loving mother who is so concerned about her self-image. Let her know that appearance is one of the LEAST important things in terms of making you the person you are. It's largely a result of a spin of the genetic wheel. It's the things we all share in common - our intelligence, our compassion, our hopes and dreams, our love - that will make us truly beautiful. So she doesn't look like Barbie. GOOD. She has her own beauty that she doesn't need to share with anyone else. Bolster the things she can control - all of the aforementioned - and keep supporting her, and she will learn to celebrate the various cultures she is a part of. Good luck!

[Soliloquy]

While I have absolutely no child-rearing experience, outside of frequent babysitting, I'm also interracial. I'm in the grey area as far as appearence goes, I have olive skin, exotic features, black hair, hazel eyes etc. but that made it harder for me to identify with any particular group. I remember thinking the same things your daughter thought. However, I was blessed to have caring parents, like you, who taught that every race is beautiful- including those with multiple ethnic backgrounds.

My mom always said "it's not the color of their skin, hair, or eyes that makes them beautiful, it's their heart that makes them beautiful." Her phrase still rings in my head today and I really think she's responsible for making me so "color blind" while I dating or making friends.

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.


I hope my long rambling post has offered some insight and given you some ideas. I just identified with your little girl and had to post something!

[mulattogyrl]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

I went through a similar situation with my daughter. I think it does have to do with media/what they're exposed to. Hang in there though - there are a lot of good posts in this thread.

Originally Posted by Soliloquy

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.

This is so sweet! My mom used to do the same thing to me.

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

I am by no means a child psychologist, so take this for what it's worth, but I really think that an environment has a huge impact on a child. And I don't mean that you're doing something wrong. When I was little, we lived in a predominately black area and and my dad coached at a predominately black high school. Except for relatives, the women I knew were black. I thought that's what was beautiful.

I agree with you. I think what you're around/exposed to is what you will think is beautiful, or at least that will help your mindset.

Originally Posted by Rudey

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

LOL @ you

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

This is what I would have said. When I was growing up, I always thought that to be beautiful in this world, you had to be blond & blue eyed. With my dark curly hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, I thought I was just ugly because I never saw anyone on TV (outside of Spanish television) that looked like me so I figured that to be considered beautiful, you had to be white.

Just make sure that you talk to her about how beauty comes in all colors and definitely try some of those books that someone suggested. They are great reads and I've used similar ones in my classroom with my students since I work in a very diverse area.

Good-luck!

[DeltAlum]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

I generally am angered by blaming "the media" for everything, but in cases like this, I can't disagree.

The majority of people we see in TV, in magazines and newspapers are still good looking white people. That's changing, but not quickly enough for many.

Does that make the media big bad people. Not really. They (we, actually since I work in TV -- in the live sports area) are for profit businesses and usually provide what the largest part of the audience "wants." What happens is pretty much what extensive market research dictates.

Is that good? Maybe not, but it's the way it is.

Will it change? Yes. When the audience signals that it isn't happy with the status quo anymore. The media, though, will always be reactive instead of proactive.

Maybe the most important thing to impart to your daughter(s) is that the entertainment media isn't real. "Reality TV" is a contradiction of terms. All she (they) really have to do is take a close look at their friends and their families to see that -- but I don't know that they will if someone doesn't point it out. Personally, I don't watch much TV, because when I'm off work, I don't want to be bothered with it, so I can't give an example, but it might be a good thing to point out to the young woman (women) the beautiful people of color who are more and more a part of entertainment shows.

Maybe that will help.

At least that's what I think.

Best of luck.

[Tom Earp]

It seems that racism comes from adults while younger childeren play together with out any thought of color.

If there is a question, many times they figure it out for themselves and go about playing together.

The age of growing up in segregated areas is getting smaller.

I kid some of my Black friends about having to go work to get a tan instead of having a natural one! I also dated an asian who did not like he coloring but I thought it was beautiful myself!

There are colors within so called colors!