Dating Men/ Women with Children.. Questions:

[jazbri]

I was listening to the local radio station that has a topic of the day. Today's topic was: How do you feel about dating a man/woman who has children? Being a soon-to be divorced mother of two, I have found it to be truly interesting the range of reactions I've received from men. A lot of them are cool with it and others are totally turned off. One of my closest female friends, decidedly doesn't want to date a man if he comes with children.

My mom remarried when I was fairly young and he totally embraced me as his child. It's definitely something to think about. I'm interested to know what others feel about it...

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"Unless you know the road you've come down, you cannot know where you are going"
~Temme proverb, Sierre Leone~

[DELTABRAT]

Hey jazbri:

I, too have a young child (7 years old) and this topic is very interesting to me.

I have found that many of the men I have spoken to regarding this issue, including my current boyfriend, his friends, and even his friends' fathers who married their moms (does that make sense?) state that the biggest conflict is dating a woman with a child who still has a relationship with the father of the child (as far as raising the child etc.)

Most men can't handle the idea of another man being "in" their relationship (i.e. phone calls, visits, etc.) For instance, I have heard from my boyfrien's best friend (he married a woman who had a child and now they also have two of their own) that is bothers him when he calls. Also, when he does call, he feels that the guy should ONLY ask to speak to the son, NOT the mom.

In another situation, his friend married a woman who had a child. Strange thing is the father and she got divorced and he did his "duites" as a dad but nothing TOO involved. After she began seeing Jay, he decided he wanted som "say-so." After they got married, she told him that she and the father had decided, together, that he should have NO say so in the little girl's life and no disciplining rights. Needless to say, he felt neutered and they got the marriage annuled (sp.) three months later. This is the guy whose dad married his mom when she had already had a son (they later had him). His dad agrees that he may not have been able to do it if the father had not been such a friggin' deadbeat. He HAD NO interest in the boy whatsoever, so it was "easy" for him to accept the responsibility of being the only dad the boy knew.

If for whatever reason the father is absentee, I think it is easier for men to accept a role of responsibility. I think it alse depends on the child's age. The younger, the better.

Sorry so long.

Same goes for women. A lot of women don't want to deal with...her goes...

baby mama drama! Sorry to say it that way, but some women are straight up loco and possessive.

[AKAtude]

I made the decision not to date men with children. I dated two men with children (the first guy has a daughter and the second guy has a son), and didn't want to be in the midst of constant conflicts as I witnessed. However, now I know that neither guy was right for me anyway.

Deltabrat, you are correct. I didn't want to deal with all the drama! I will not tell a lie; I like having my man all to myself.
But seriously, there were some foul things happening in each relationship between the parents involved.

[kkool]

I agree with you also Deltabrat, as far as the drama goes, in the past I have always stayed awy from women who had kids because I didn't want to feel like step daddy, and have to worry about the father or fathers of the kids. But it is getting more difficult to date women who don't have kids. I'm 27 and almost everyone I meet has at least one. If I'm interested in a lady and she has kids and she seems cool, I use the way she handles her kids as a measuring stick on how I am going to come at her. If she puts her kids first and looks out for them and not try to have me around before she knows what's up with us then she may have a shot.

kkool

[kitten03]

I'll offer an alternative spin.

As a child whose parents never married, I must say that I am extremely defensive of the men/women my mom/dad dated. I don't dislike seeing my parents date other people but I am disturbed by the attitude that some men/women come when they date parents with children. Some men believe that since my dad isn't with my mom he must be a dead beat which is completely untrue. Women who date my dad have this beliefe they got the best looking man on earth... any girl who loves their dad will not admit to his attractiveness...he's your dad.

I don't know what to say about people who date people with kids. As far as the kids go, i would say just be nice. Don't try to impress us or buy us off. That was a steady flow of cash when i was ten. it's really tough though. You want your parents to be happy. But you worry about yourself too. It's a really sticky situation

[DELTABRAT]

Firts things first...please excuse the typos. I just re-read my post and geesh...I must've been too excited.

kkool, that's cool that you would say that. A woman should put her children first and foremost and the fact that you would utilize that as measurement to decide if she's right for you or not is commendable. My boyfriend's dad told him also that the older he gets, the less likely he will be dating women WITHOUT children. That is just a fact of life. If you wait until you are 45 to get married, she may have a child already (exaggerating the age, but you get the picture).

AKAtude, despite the fact that I do have a child...I hear you. I respect the fact that for many people, they would just rather not deal with the extras. Unfortunately, I think we have it rougher. This may sound hypocritical, but women can TRIP! Due to the fact that we are usually the primary caregivers, we feel that we have RIGHTS over everyone involved. Calling, following, etc. So if you're the NEW girlfriend, you witness all that. However (and I know this isn't always the case) men tend to step off when there is a mutual agreement that the relationship will not work despite the child. If you are the new man in the relationship, you may or may not see the brothah. Unless there is the establishment of a long-term relationship in which case everybody needs to TRY and get along.

Piggybacking off of kitten03...I feel ya. The assumption that either parent is deadbeat or that the NEW person is some how so much better than the mom/dad is prevalent in these situations. My son's dad is not deadbeat AT ALL. It seems like some men have a problem with that. It seems, like I stated before, that they would prefer that I be dang near homeless, on welfare and NEED them to step in and be the new stepfather and take care os us, than just (as you stated) be nice to me and my child.

Additionally, I am very self-sufficient and I think that, different from women's attitudes with dating men with children, men feel that there is this LOAD of responsibility that comes along with the package. I can take care of myself and my booty-bear, just be a boyfriend. If we are talking marriage, or if we last more than a year or two, then start talking responsibility.




[This message has been edited by DELTABRAT (edited February 02, 2001).]

[Ideal08]

How long do you date someone before introducing that person to your child(ren)?

I thought we talked about this, but as always, I am your search challenged Moderator. I searched and couldn't find it. Soror 2D or CT4, if you know where it is, can you pull it up for me? Thanks!

[TonyB06]

I think it depends on the age/emotional temperment of the child(ren). Younger kids, I think, attach to people much easier than say teenagers, thus making it harder to explain if somebody is no longer around. I won't introduce my daughters (ages 9,4) to anyone unless it gets reeeeal serious.

[AKA2D '91]

ttt

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by jazbri
I was listening to the local radio station that has a topic of the day. Today's topic was: How do you feel about dating a man/woman who has children? Being a soon-to be divorced mother of two, I have found it to be truly interesting the range of reactions I've received from men. A lot of them are cool with it and others are totally turned off. One of my closest female friends, decidedly doesn't want to date a man if he comes with children.

My mom remarried when I was fairly young and he totally embraced me as his child. It's definitely something to think about. I'm interested to know what others feel about it...

------------------
"Unless you know the road you've come down, you cannot know where you are going"
~Temme proverb, Sierre Leone~

I would date a man with a child (maybe not a man with children) as long as I felt that the child was old enough such that he has had an opportunity to sever the romantic relationship with the mother and get a hold on his responsibilities as a father. For instance, I think that I'd like for the child to be at the least three years old or so.

SC

[Ideal08]

thanks, soror!

[Love_Spell_6]

I have made a decision not to be involved with men with children, because I don't have or want children right now...and I feel that if you date a man with children, you should embrace his children as your own..and I"m not ready to do that. I don't believe in step-children..if you are my man's child..you'd be my child as well.. but then that's where the "drama" comes in because of differences in how I may want to discipline the child, school the child etc. I feel like relationships are hard enough to maintain..without having a 3rd parent in the mix. At the same time though I do think a lot of good men/women are overlooked because they have children..but I guess its all in what you want to deal with..

I also want to experience childbirth and all the other things that come along with bearing children with my husband for the FIRST time...

very hard to be traditional though in this day and age

[Exquisite5]

I don't date men with children (or just one child).

I am not ready for a family and when I want to start one- I want it be started by my husband and I at the same time.