Race issues/questions in children
 

i usually dont post personal threads, but since i have seen some highly intelligent answers on here, i thought i'd give it a shot.

i have a 6 1/2 year old daughter. her biological father is of mixed race, half black, half puerto rican. i, myself, am all black, but had both a white and indian great-grandmother. my daughter has that look that a lot of mixed race children have: the curly jet black hair, light skin. she is a beautiful child, not just because i am her mother, she has won various photo contests in our area (working on that college fund!) and has the greatest attitude.

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

i was raised in the most un-racist household ever created. i have friends of all colors, and try to insure she has the same. still, i cant help but wonder, how do i handle this situation with her? i told her we would talk about it this weekend...i didnt want to put her off, but also want to go about it the correct way. any suggestions? do any of you have children with these issues? (i dont think it is a mixed-race thing, she has no clue of her latino/indian/white roots at all...)

Why does anyone find what they do attractive? I actually think that people are attracted to what they don't have.

I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and don't find blond guys attractive. My husband is not only Latino, but he's about the darkest Latino I've ever seen, except Sammy Sosa...

you are probably right too, AlphaFrog. my fiance looks nothing like me, either. but in this case, she didnt pick any of the black or latina women. they were all white.

i think my concern is the fact that i had issues with my complexion growing up. i have a sister who is lighter than me with hazel eyes, one of those genetic things that just kinda resurfaced from somewhere, and i was always so jealous. i was always singled out because i was always the darkest one in my classes, and i felt left out. i wanted not necessarily to be white, but to be lighter. i wanted to blend more.

i just want to make sure that this doesnt spiral into a "lighter/whiter is better" type of issue with her...

i think this is a normal question most af-am (and biracial) children ask; and unfortunately it is an issue many adult women struggle with if they dont have a strong foundation.

i'm not sure she really meant that she thinks white people are prettier than black people. she might have a grasp that some members of society "value" blond-haired blue eyed people more than black/latina/etc. and thats hard to explain to a child.

as a parent, i would just encourage her and let her know SHE is beautiful and make sure that you surround her with positive images of black/latina women. dont turn it into a comparison thing (curly hair is better), just try to celebrate the difference (your curly hair is so nice, you can do this with it...)

I don't think you need to make a directed response, although saying something like, "I think beautiful women come in all colors" might be a good idea. It's more important to look at the everyday exposure she has to people's ideas of beauty whether it's comments by friends and family or TV or magazines. Try to make sure she's hearing the right things and she may just internalize them.

depending on her surroundings and influences, she might need a daily dose of "black is beautiful" from her mom. if you don't get it in the home, where else is it going to come from?

Wow! That would throw any parent for a loop. I think with kids that age, you don't need to go too in-depth or worry that their psyche is irreversably damaged for asking what seems to be a hot question like that. Like Still BLUTANG said, kids sometimes pick up on pop culture and what they see, like a white model on a magazine cover instead of someone who is Asian, Black, mixed, etc.

I know kids of this age might either be contented with a simple answer or might keep pressing, "Why?" "How?" but the simpler your reply, the easier it is to satisfy them. At least in my experience. IE: Mommy, where do babies come from? Answer: From God.

In your case, I think you dealt with it the best you could by asking her why she felt that way. I think the next thing you can do is to get some photos together of different kinds of people and people doing things and say, "I want to show you some beautiful people."

Show her the pictures-- magazine clippings, story books, whatever and talk about what makes people beautiful: helping others, being polite, working hard, being kind, etc. and look at photos of men and women and ask her what she thinks is beautiful about each of them and then share with her what you think is beautiful about them. You'll end up subtly influencing her with your opinions and she'll end up adopting them as her own.

I'd do this a couple of times over the next few weeks-- pull her away from the TV or coloring for just a few minutes at a time, and say, "Let's look at some beautiful things."

i wont say so much that she gets a daily dose of "black is beautiful" but i definately try to surround her with as many of those influences as i can. i want her to think that all cultures are beautiful, and that there isnt a superior one.

i read somewhere to focus more on culture and not race. there are blond haired, green eyed black women, so maybe she just needs to see that its not a "white thing" per se. its just a beauty thing.

I did a google search-- these are some age-appropriate books on color and diversity for your daughter that you can read together. You can address the issues and bond over story time. Black, White, Just Right! is about being from a mixed-race background. :)

Cisneros, S. (1994). Hairs = Pelitos. New York: Knopf.
Davol, M. W. (1993). Black, White, Just Right!. Morton Grove, IL: A. Whitman.
DeRolf, S. (1997). The Crayon Box That Talked. New York: Random House.
Harvey, K. (2002). When Chocolate Milk Moved In. Sterling, VA: Brookfield Reader.
Hoffman, M. (1991). Amazing Grace. New York: Dial Books for Young Readers.
Kates, B. J. (1992). We're Different, We're the Same: Featuring Jim Henson's Sesame Street Muppets. New York: Random House.
Katz, K. (1999). The Colors of Us. New York: Holt Rinehart & Winston.
Kissinger, K. (1994). All the Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press.
Parr, T. (2001). It's Okay to Be Different. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Seuss, Dr. (1961). The Sneetches, and Other Stories. New York: Random House.
Simon, N. (1976). Why Am I Different?. Chicago: A. Whitman.
Spier, P. (1980). People. Garden City, NY: Doubleday.
Tarplay, N. A. (1997). I Love My Hair!. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Wood, D., & Muth, J. J. (2003). Old Turtle and the Broken Truth. New York: Scholastic Press.

For some reason, this conversation is reminding me of the Sweet Honey in the Rock song, No Mirrors in My Nana's House.

I have no wisdom, I'm afraid. Good luck, OneTimeSBX. I imagine your instincts will lead you well.

Yes that's basically what I'm saying, you were much more eloquent in the post above me. As a mom/aunt/family member etc. you have the opportunity to counteract the influences you see as negative, and encourage the positive ones.

I was including the OP's influence on the child in my statement.

adpiucf, thank you for that list...im about to hit amazon.com and see what i can find...

OH! O.k. i think i read too quickly or misinterpreted what you said. :)

i really like this thread. i applaud you SBX! Keep doing what you're doing, your little one will be just fine.

Honestly, this won't change because you read her a book or make a pointed effort to find the right movie. You have to really review your own behavior and the messages you send and the things you say (which it sounds like you've already done). What movies do you watch? What models do you admire and remark on? Her father? Her grandparents (grandparents do sooooo much damage without meaning to)?

Buying her a book may help, but the only way to change the attitude is consistent positive reinforcement that she is beautiful and black is beautiful.

Yeah, it's alright, I don't think I was as clear as I wanted, and then I read your post and was like "Oh THAT, exactly THAT"

One situation isn't going to make or break this girl's worldview (and who knows what it actually is, as someone else said it's quite possible what she said was not what she meant) it's the long term influence that's important.