Quote:
Originally Posted by AlethiaSi
This topic happened to come up in one of my counseling classes the other night. We were talking about ODD (oppositional Defiant Disorder) and the far reaching effects. This type of behavior is one of the "symptoms" of ODD (not that i'm saying that Breeze has ODD but its just a symptom). Essentially its for attention that he does what he does, no matter if its negative or positive attention.
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I am sorry, but this so-called disorder is just one more step down a path that is all about avoiding acceptance that human beings are not perfect and that sometimes the way to love someone is to be tough with them- not blame it on some "disorder" and then allow the behavior to continue.
How might one cure ODD? This story may be a symptom of ODD, but it is also a symptom of someone who is taking advantage of his family- and I think everyone knows the cure for that.
To the original poster- my thoughts in the hopes it helps.
I had a relative go through this and she finally kicked her son out- when he was 47 years old. And she is bitter to this day because she wasted so much of her life having to hide money and otherwise be a prisoner in her own home that she worked all her life to earn.
Each situation is different, but the facts you present suggest that your brother has decided that he can live with his current situation because he is still at home and has no motive to keep a job.
Under the current circumstances, do you think he is going to leave of his own free will if nothing changes? I suspect the answer is no- and so that puts the burden of action on your mother.
It sounds cruel- but the only answer is to throw him out in my opinion.
Now, you indicate that you live at home rent-free and that also has an impact. If you have the right to live at home rent-free, your brother has a reasonable expectation to be extended the same courtesy whether or not any child is entitled to such a thing once reaching 18 years of age.
The theft, assuming it is him, is what pushes it over the edge. This makes it clear that your brother has found his comfort zone in life, but that he cannot achieve it fully without stealing from his own family. In short- he has mapped out his life plan, and it includes stealing from you. How much longer do you want that to last?
And this is where I think you guys have to get tough and force him to leave. Or at the very least, let him live at home only if he works and pays for his own things to the extent you do.
Your mother is generous to let you guys stick around- and you clearly honor that generosity by working and doing right by yourself plus setting a good example for your brothers and sisters. I am willing to bet that you also help out around the house and by your presence make life better for your mother.
It appears your brother does not honor that generosity- and so for everyone's benefit I would suggest he be asked to leave unless he can find a job within a certain time frame or do any other thing (go back to school etc.) that your mother think will earn him a place to sleep rent-free.
That is not an easy thing to do, but I can point you to many examples I have seen first hand- including the one within my own family I mentioned above- where not doing that just made things worse.
If you think your brother is bad off now in the world, imagine my second cousin who at the age of 47 was looking for his first job ever. He got an easy break for 20 years, but he is virtually unemployable now- and having never paid into social security there are few safety nets for him once he reaches 65. He is far worse off than if he had been tossed out on his tail 20 years ago. He does not even have the basic mentality of needing to show up on time to a place of work. There is nothing out there for him.
Hope this helps and good luck to you.
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