Marrying Down?

[lovehaiku84]

I agree with most of you on this subject. I'm still in the process of getting my degree, but as of right now I prefer to date and hope to marry someone who is at least on my level regarding education. I have dated men with and without degrees, and I find that guys without degrees have a certain perception of me that get in the way of developing a relationship. So for me it's kind of the other way around in that I'm willing to accept someone without a degree if he's a good personality match for me BUT he has certain insecurities which lead him to feel like he's not good enough for me and which makes him eventually pull away from me. so now I prefer to not go through that particular situation again and I either date people in school or who are already finished.

[NinjaPoodle]

It's been 2 years since the last post in this topic. I wonder if people still feel the same. I will not "date down". It just doesnt make sense for me.

[TheEpitome1920]

I can't remember where I read this but something about AA women are more likely to marry men without degrees.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by TheEpitome1920

I can't remember where I read this but something about AA women are more likely to marry men without degrees.

so is that settling or is it facing some reality that non-degreed AA men are more suitable to marry?

i was told (by a black professor) that once black people graduate from college, they automatically enter the middle class, regardless of the student loans they owe (because taking out loans means you have the priveledge of having good enough credit to take them out - dont know if i agree), regardless of the job you have (because that degree opens you to more job opportunities than without it) simply because the way your brain thinks as far as future goals and outlook is definitely different with college than without. i dont know if that makes sense, but this professor shut me down in conversation once saying "you can't go around crying 'i'm from the hood and that's what i represent' when you graduate from a prestigious university (or one at all) and work on a salary vs an hourly wage."

with that said... i definitely didnt grow up middle class. i been poor, but i cant say i ever went hungry, or without clothes and other necessities. did i go without some experiences as a child and teen? sure, but that happens.

so im torn. i dont think i could relate to a dude who hasnt been to college and is from the hood, cause my mentality isnt hood. it never was - just cause you live in the hood dont mean you have to be hood. on the other hand, if dude is college educated, and therefore by this theory, middle class, he could have had a host of middle class life experiences that i wont ever relate to. i know they could be little things, but they definitely add up.

so would i ever marry down? no, because i would think its important to have some sort of common upbringing. would i marry up? dont know about that either - wouldnt want my partner looking at me all sorts of ways like "omg i have to show you the world." dont want any dude thinking he has to culture me into some high society for me to be suitable.

is it too picky to say to marry somewhere in the middle?

[Still BLUTANG]

i can't read through this whole thing to see what (or IF) i responded, but i feel like this:

if i can take the time to go to school, get my degreeS, work, own a home, yadda yadda yadda, the brother who will marry me needs to have the same level of commitment to achieving goals and setting up a comfortable life for himself. So, I don't see it as a step down to marry someone who is, say, a credentialed professional or career military (not, i wound up in the military because of X Y or Z).

For example a good friend is marrying an electrician who has a HUGE government contract. My little income is laughable to him. He has no college, but he's a good man with a REAL PLAN. I'd marry a brother like that.

i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.

shoot i hear that!

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.

For me, it isn't so much about "keeping up with the joneses". I got almost everything I wanted as a child, in a material sense. I hated most of my childhood. So you're right that having a lot of material things=happiness is false.

With me it's more about lifestyle and mentality. However, when I posted earlier in this thread, that was like three years ago. Since then, I have interacted with so many people who have different backgrounds than me. Some of these people I have a lot of common with. I've learned that your financial/educational background, or the one you grew up in, doesn't always dictate preferences and attitudes.

So if they're open-minded, intelligent, have similar values, and like the same type of places/foods/movies/shows/music/whatever...it doesn't matter to me if they're a lawyer or a bartender.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by NinjaPoodle

I agree to this.
I've dated "down" also. The guy works in a trade and makes a-lot-o-cash and that great but money is not the connecting factor to make a relationship work. I thought he was a nice guy and gave him a chance but in the long run we really had nothing in common. We don’t have the same social circle, he gives me attitude when I tell him I'm going to the First Friday's (it's FF's not the millionaires club, geeze... )

In relation to raising kids, we would (and still do) get into it about the hows and what’s of childrearing. My childhood background is such that I would consider it to be, not spoiled but advantaged. I did everything, Girl Scouts, clubs at school, annual trips to the family friend's orchard/ranch/farm in the wine country, summer camp, etc... I want my kid to experience the same thing if not more. He gets pissed off and says that's bourgeoisie. Exposing your kids and yourself to the world is NOT BOURGEOISIE!

Our conversations always ended up being about social status, class structure and me defending why I am the way I am. Talk about politics? He couldn't tell you that Sacramento is the state capitol of Cali. WTF?. He got mad because I volunteered at the Democratic convention...

He would give me grief about school related matters or sorority stuff. These are basic things, I can't imagine talking to him about serious issues.

He had a general attitude against black folks who were moving up and on to bigger and better things and just felt like I was the person to pick on (he seriously picked the wrong sister for that )

ETA:
If two people can put aside the minor differences and work it out, I say more power to them.

I still feel the same.

[Educatingblue]

Originally Posted by darling1

ive have come across plenty of new money negros that wear me out with their bourgie mentality. they dont have a pot to piss in and cant hold an intelligent conversation. they want to know your entire resume and go 10 rounds of negro geography. its ridiculous!

if you take the time to think about what you desire in a mate then you subject yourself to folks who will never meet your standards. if you assume that a formally educated person will provide you with a better life in a marriage than someone who isnt, you are mistaken and set yourself up for a string of shallow and loveless unions.

to me there is no fine line to this. a person who feels they are ready to be in a committed, intimate relationship with someone has to know what they want and the consequences of those choices. i often wonder if men or women who put on certain 'requirements' for a potential mate actually take the time to take personal stock. i have a feeling that many dont.


just my opinion.

I definitely agree with you on this one. When I was younger and ignorant to the world around me I said I would never marry down. Once I got to college, I realized how many people out there were doing better than me without a college degree and it is their own motivation that promotes their success.

Now that I am older, my husband and I both have graduate degrees, but he is not from the same background that I am. The thing that matters is that we both have the same goals, can hold intellectual conversation, and regardless of the F'ed up situation, we can find a way out!

[OneTimeSBX]

is this more a male/female thing or what?

my bff has a masters in forensics. her husband? a GED. now i will admit when i met them i didnt think it would work. instead, she has become a huge inspiration to him, and he is currently at a 2 year school working on his business degree. when asked about it, she just shrugs and says, "you cant help who you fall in love with, or who God chooses to be your soulmate". he never tripped, he supported her 100%, and now she is returning the favor.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by TheEpitome1920

Watching "The View".

Do you all see a problem with marrying someone who may not be from the same socio-economic background as you? May not have a college degree? etc.

Yep.

[Sugar08]

This thread is so interesting to me... it's reminding me of my bff, who was lately dating a slightly older guy (he's late twenties, we're early twenties) who doesn't have a college degree, is divorced, has two kids, and has a very intellectually unstimulating (not a word, I know) job.

BUT, he adored her, treated her very well, and is a good father to his children.

I have to admit that while I liked him as a person, I just didn't think he was on her level. She's working on her Master's, and has a very ambitious life plan, while he's kind of content to be where he is. She recently broke up with him, citing the fact that he doesn't seem to have any real ambitions (at which point, he announces that God has called him to be a preacher, and that he's going to be blessed, along with anyone who is in his life... needless to say, she didn't take that bait).

But it's such a tough one, because being treated well in a relationship is so important, and often hard to come by... and on the other hand, being with someone who shares your goals and plans is just as important (and just as hard to come by...)

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by Sugar08

But it's such a tough one, because being treated well in a relationship is so important, and often hard to come by... and on the other hand, being with someone who shares your goals and plans is just as important (and just as hard to come by...)

You don't have to pick one or the other. The total package isn't hard to come by.

You have to exude those traits and surround yourself with people, places, and things conducive to finding a mate with those traits.

[Sugar08]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

You don't have to pick one or the other. The total package isn't hard to come by.

You have to exude those traits and surround yourself with people, places, and things conducive to finding a mate with those traits.

Touche'.

And on that note, I guess I WILL be attending the NAACP meeting on campus tonight...

[PrettyBoy]

I have a college degree and I'm working on another one, but I would marry a woman rather she had a degree or not. If I was physically attracted to her, and she loved and respected me, and shared the same family values as me then I would.

The thing I cannot deal with is a jacked up family background. If she comes from a mixed up, or ghetto family background, there's no way I would even consider it. I wouldn't care if she was fine with 50 degrees, I wouldn't do it. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. To me, this is marrying down, because I want to marry a woman who has the same family values that I have.