Race issues/questions in children

[AGDee]

I'm not sure it's always a result of media/societal attitudes. My daughter had her first exposure to an African American child on her first day of kindergarten. She came home and told me about this beautiful girl who had chocolate skin and how she wished her skin was like that. That year, all the Barbies and dolls she wanted were African American. I didn't think much of it. I just saw it as expanding her horizons and admiring someone who was different than herself.

I can say, as a short, curvy Italian brunette with brown eyes, that, through the "difficult" years (middle school/high school), I really just wanted to be a tall, leggy, blonde with blue eyes. THAT was media induced for sure. When Paula Abdul first became popular, it was such a relief because she was very attractive but short and curvy AND a brunette!

I guess my point is... watch her reactions and keep an open line of communication about it to figure out why she is feeling that way and then address the underlying cause. You could also use the opportunity to explain that the pictures in magazines are often touched up to make the women look even prettier and point out that all people have something beautiful about them, inside and/or out.

[Rudey]

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

[Taualumna]

Would filling the house with magazines and DVDs that are primarily put out for a (especially immigrant) black audience be helpful? My mom and grandma subscribe to several Hong Kong magazines similar to OK! or Us Weekly to keep up with the goings on of the HK celebrities and that was where I got some of my exposure to what "beauty" is. I don't generally compare myself to anyone, but if I did, I'd probably compare myself to an actress or singer from Hong Kong. I'd never compare myself to an Asian American/Canadian actress, since most of them are plain to butt ugly by Asian standards (my mom (who is addicted to Korean soaps) thought Marie Claire was CRAZY to have Sandra Oh on its cover earlier this year..."they'd never do it in Korea" she said). At the same time, the Hong Kong/Asian standard of western beauty is different too. Maybe it's generational, but my parents don't see why the world loves Reese Witherspoon so much.

[mulattogyrl]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

I went through a similar situation with my daughter. I think it does have to do with media/what they're exposed to. Hang in there though - there are a lot of good posts in this thread.

Originally Posted by Soliloquy

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.

This is so sweet! My mom used to do the same thing to me.

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

I am by no means a child psychologist, so take this for what it's worth, but I really think that an environment has a huge impact on a child. And I don't mean that you're doing something wrong. When I was little, we lived in a predominately black area and and my dad coached at a predominately black high school. Except for relatives, the women I knew were black. I thought that's what was beautiful.

I agree with you. I think what you're around/exposed to is what you will think is beautiful, or at least that will help your mindset.

Originally Posted by Rudey

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

LOL @ you

[AlwaysSAI]

I scrolled through some of the responses and haven't seen this one yet, but if it has already been said, I apologize.

This is not a new problem and your daughter is not the first mixed or african american child to feel this way.

During the whole de-segregation fight the people fighting the BOE found a professor and used his research to back up the premise that segregation damaged the psyche of young african american girls and boys.

The professor had african american boys and girls come into a playroom that was equipped with a camera. The play room was set up with various toys and dolls; imparticular a caucasian doll and an african american doll. The professor asked each child which doll they would rather play with and almost every child wanted to play with the caucasian doll. When the professor asked the children why they wanted to play with that doll they responded that she was prettier. He even (if I remember correctly) offered the african american doll to some children and they refused.

We learned about it in my HDF class. I can't remember what the guy's name was, though.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?? I bet you could find a video of the sessions online.

[AKA_Monet]

Kozal was his name who first started it. He's written several books now.

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

I scrolled through some of the responses and haven't seen this one yet, but if it has already been said, I apologize.

This is not a new problem and your daughter is not the first mixed or african american child to feel this way.

During the whole de-segregation fight the people fighting the BOE found a professor and used his research to back up the premise that segregation damaged the psyche of young african american girls and boys.

The professor had african american boys and girls come into a playroom that was equipped with a camera. The play room was set up with various toys and dolls; imparticular a caucasian doll and an african american doll. The professor asked each child which doll they would rather play with and almost every child wanted to play with the caucasian doll. When the professor asked the children why they wanted to play with that doll they responded that she was prettier. He even (if I remember correctly) offered the african american doll to some children and they refused.

We learned about it in my HDF class. I can't remember what the guy's name was, though.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?? I bet you could find a video of the sessions online.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by Rudey

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

Rudey, prouncing "umbrella" in 4 syllables does not stop you from thinking other things...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I'm not sure it's always a result of media/societal attitudes. My daughter had her first exposure to an African American child on her first day of kindergarten. She came home and told me about this beautiful girl who had chocolate skin and how she wished her skin was like that. That year, all the Barbies and dolls she wanted were African American. I didn't think much of it. I just saw it as expanding her horizons and admiring someone who was different than herself.

I can say, as a short, curvy Italian brunette with brown eyes, that, through the "difficult" years (middle school/high school), I really just wanted to be a tall, leggy, blonde with blue eyes. THAT was media induced for sure. When Paula Abdul first became popular, it was such a relief because she was very attractive but short and curvy AND a brunette!

I guess my point is... watch her reactions and keep an open line of communication about it to figure out why she is feeling that way and then address the underlying cause. You could also use the opportunity to explain that the pictures in magazines are often touched up to make the women look even prettier and point out that all people have something beautiful about them, inside and/or out.

Well, you do have to admit, you and your daughter are probably different in your thinking to begin with... That is just a great mark of an excellent parent!

If I had a daughter who starting to wonder what the outside world is (inevitably ), I would try telling her a personal story that only she could understand to help her ease her way through it... So that when the other little hellions decide to tease her for her looks, she maintains her self-esteem through all those awkward years.

Disclaimer: Just trying to help... Some folks think I am trying to attack their innercore being. You can take it or leave it as to what I say. It doesn't matter to me. However if you disagree, it still sucks to be degraded by flaming as a human being, just argue the points you disagree on, that's cool. Tell me why I am wrong, maybe I can learn something, too... People internalize too much personal stuff on a message board!

[OneTimeSBX]

ive gotten several PMs from people wondering how i ended up handling the situation with my daughter.

ive decided to start and take a cultural standpoint and introduce her to the various races that make up her background. im starting this weekend taking her to an Indian convention near our home. my great (her great great) grandmother was half Creek indian, and her husband was full blooded. i want to show her that one race isnt prettier than the other, they are all beautiful in their own way. she seems to find beauty in groups of people who look similar. i do find that comforting that she can still pick other favorites!

in a way, it has helped me to realize i need to get in touch with my background as well. we will see how she likes this culture lesson and i'll be in touch!