odd question

lyrica9 · #1 10-04-2006, 06:58 AM

mmk, so i have a roommate issue, and i need some help. one of my roommates keeps taking my adpi cups to house parties, and she keeps bothering me about giving her some of my old shirts. she is not greek, and when we first moved in she told me and our other roommate (a pi phi alum) that she hated sororities. so yeah... a little confused, she hates sororities, but she wants to wear my letters? and it's not just that, but that it's only my letters, she doesn't ask our other roommate to wear her old pi phi stuff, or use her pi phi cups for drinking. why me??

so yeah... i'm a little confused as to why she's so keen to wear my shirts, and wanted to see if anyone had any suggestions on how to nicely ask for the shirts she's "borrowed" (quotations because i didn't say she could, she just did) back. i feel bad because i do like her, and i want to be nice, but i also feel kind of weird about her taking my shirts.

i guess because i'm worried she might pretend to be a member? i'm pretty sure she wouldn't, but you never know. the only woman i've ever let wear my letters is my cousin who is practically my sister and is my bestfriend. far cry from a woman i just met two months ago because she was roommate matched into my apartment.

i feel nagging and kind of mean when i ask her to not use my sorority cups, and i am really clueless on how to approach the whole tshirt issue, so any suggestions? or am i just worrying too much about nothing?

ADPiShannan · #2 10-04-2006, 08:07 AM

I guess it comes down to how willing you are to sit her down and tell her.

When I was a freshman in college I would never have told a roommate how they made me mad or how I felt about people eating my food and stealing my stuff, now after having roommates, I dont care as much.

Sure you have to live with her, but thats it, you have to live together, she cant do whatever she wants just because.

Ask her if you can talk to her. Now be very nice the first time. Tell her you are very upset that she borrowed your clothes without asking and that is something you do not want to happen again. Tell her that if she wants to borrow something to ask, BUT that ADPi clothes are OFF LIMITS. Let her know being in a sorority is very special and that is why the clothing is something that ONLY members wear. Ask her if you could get those shirts back.

Also tell her that you paid good money for your cups and you do not like to see them disappear so to please not take your cups places anymore. You are fine if she drinks out of them while in the apartment, but not to leave with them because you want to keep them.

Do all of this nicely. If she goes nuts, well she is one of those people, who gets bent out of shape when someone confronts her. You cant just let it slide, you have to have boundaries when you live with someone you dont know. By being nice the first time you are letting her know it bothers you but you arent being mean.

Now if she listens to you but doesnt care and still does still you dont like, then you need to be firm and tell her again and if it comes down to it, buy a box with a lock on it and lock your ADPi stuff up in it. It sounds so wierd and something you shouldnt have to do, but believe me, Ive lived with enough people to know sometimes you have to. I had a box once when I lived with a girl who would steal when you were gone.

FirstAndFinest · #3 10-04-2006, 08:35 AM

I believe that being direct doesn't have to mean starting an argument. You can very politely ask her for your shirts/cups back - without offering a reason! They are yours, afterall! If she should ask Why?, then tell her that they are more than just silkscreen ink on cloth, that the letters have a deeper meaning that is known only to initiated members, so the shirts mean a great deal to you and can you please have them back. (might be a good time to request that she not "borrow" them again...)

As for the cups - that goes beyond just a deeper meaning. Tell her that our sorority does not approve of members drinking in letters and that drinking beer or booze out of a cup with letters is a blaspheme. (I am exaggerating but only slightly...)

Worst case scenario: lock your letters (shirts & cups) in your room.

Have you considered bringing this woman to a COR event? Maybe she wants to wear that diamond, too?

adpiucf · #4 10-04-2006, 03:38 PM

You're worrying too much. Just be direct, tell her it isn't cool, that you do like her, but ADPi things are meant for ADPi members only and she's not to take or use any of your things without asking, and you regret not making that clear when you all moved into the apartment.

If you don't tell her and be direct about it because you're afraid she'll get mad, you're being a sissy. You need to stand up for yourself. Sure, she is bound to be unreasonable, in which case you deal with it head on, put a lock on your door or transfer into a different apartment unit. Tell her that you know she took your stuff without asking, you're upset and you want it back. Then put your ADPi things in your room.

ASUADPi · #5 10-05-2006, 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adpiucf

You're worrying too much. Just be direct, tell her it isn't cool, that you do like her, but ADPi things are meant for ADPi members only and she's not to take or use any of your things without asking, and you regret not making that clear when you all moved into the apartment.

If you don't tell her and be direct about it because you're afraid she'll get mad, you're being a sissy. You need to stand up for yourself. Sure, she is bound to be unreasonable, in which case you deal with it head on, put a lock on your door or transfer into a different apartment unit. Tell her that you know she took your stuff without asking, you're upset and you want it back. Then put your ADPi things in your room.

I have to completely agree with adpiucf here. You need to be direct because what she is doing isn't cool. In all technicalities she is stealing your stuff. You said "borrowing", which implies asking, which she didn't. Call her on it.

You can definately talk to her about the issues in a direct but non-threatening way (I say non-threatening because some people considering confrontations of any kind to be threatening).

As for your ADPi stuff, I'd lock it up. Obviously, I don't know the girl, but she is deliberately going into your room and taking your clothes. Just because you get them back doesn't mean she might not take them again. I know it's sad that you would have to do it, but their your letters.

sdsuchelle · #6 10-05-2006, 04:15 AM

Ahh, she's drinking alcohol out of ADPi cups at parties?! You definitely need to tell her that is NOT okay!

lyrica9 · #7 10-05-2006, 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FirstAndFinest

Have you considered bringing this woman to a COR event? Maybe she wants to wear that diamond, too?

Can't take her to COR because my new chapter doesn't COR, and she doesn't go to my school. plus, while we're friends, i don't think she'd be a person i'd invite to join adpi. she's a great girl, but not every friend can be a good sister.

On the other tips and comments:

she did ask to borrow the shirts, and i made non-commital comments that were neither yes or no. and i told her she could go through a drawer of my old youth group shirts and wear those, and a few *superugly* old adpi shirts were in that drawer as well so i guess she thought they were fair game.

clarification on the cups incident, she does know the rules about no drinking in letters, and i found out she hasn't been drinking in them. when i confronted her about the cups yesterday she said "sorry i took it to work with me, and it was just water, promise." buuuuuuut tonight she walked into the apartment completely drunk, beer in hand, wearing one of my bidday shirts. exciting.

so yeah, as soon as we're both here i'm going to ask for my shirts back. which will be hard, because i'll probably have to deal with the question of 'why do i want them back if i think they're so ugly and i never wear them.' but i think i can handle it.

sdsuchelle · #8 10-05-2006, 05:29 AM

Tell her the real reason you don't want her wearing your letters -- they're special to you, and also it's highly against standards to drink in them, and you can get in trouble.

FirstAndFinest · #9 10-05-2006, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyrica9

Can't take her to COR because my new chapter doesn't COR, and she doesn't go to my school. plus, while we're friends, i don't think she'd be a person i'd invite to join adpi. she's a great girl, but not every friend can be a good sister.

Was trying for optimism there!

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyrica9

so yeah, as soon as we're both here i'm going to ask for my shirts back. which will be hard, because i'll probably have to deal with the question of 'why do i want them back if i think they're so ugly and i never wear them.' but i think i can handle it.

I've learned that when I focus on the "what ifs" - what if she says abc, what if she does xyz - I work myself up for conversations/events that don't happen (99% of the time)! For me, I have to work out the conversation starting lines, because that is the only part of the conversation overwhich I have complete control. If I begin in a polite, direct, thoughtful, non-confrontational, non-hysterical, non-defensive manner, then the conversation is usually way more pleasant than I could have imagined!

When the conversations DO become ugly, I find that I need to stick to my point and that any other reasons that I provide the person just get us way off track - which is their point, to get me fighting and fighting multiple 'battles' at once, which is tiresome so is tempting to back down...

Stick to your conviction: your letters are meaningful and you really can't have anyone wearing them. (or however you choose to phrase that) You can simply repeat the same expression, if she does become aggitated and asking 1000 questions.

Oh - find the time of day that she's (a) sober; and (b) at her best; and (c) when you are best. If she's a beyotch first thing in the AM but you're perky with your coffee, then that is probably not a good time to approach her. Likewise, if she's a night-owl but you get tired at 9PM, then don't stay up til 11 to talk to her b/c then you're more likely to get upset and lose your point.

lyrica9 · #10 10-06-2006, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FirstAndFinest

Likewise, if she's a night-owl but you get tired at 9PM, then don't stay up til 11 to talk to her b/c then you're more likely to get upset and lose your point.

hahaha, sorry, i had to comment on this. i'm more likely to wake up at 9pm then want to go to bed then.

anyway, earlier she was wearing another shirt, and when i commented, something like 'hey that's my shirt' she said "yeah can i have some more of your shirts? i like these adpi shirts"

so i teasingly said "oh but you hate sororities"
to which she replied, "yeah but i like looking like i'm in one."
so we got to the bottom of the reason. no more was said about it because she is drunk again and running and around and dealing with boy troubles, and i really don't want to bring it up when she's drunk and sad. even though she's drunk, sad, smoking, drinking and hanging out with a bunch of people at her friend's apartment across the parking lot in my alpha retreat shirt.

i just told our other roommate, and she's currently telling me that i need to say something, but she also says she doesn't know how she'd deal with it either.

this really sucks ladies.

Adelphean · #11 10-06-2006, 09:10 AM

Just go in her room and collect your stuff. Tell her that you did that and make it clear to her that she is not to "borrow" it again.

Conversation should go something like this:

You: Just so you know I went into your room and got all my stuff back.
Her: Why?
You: Becuase it's my stuff and I want it back.
Her: But you said I could borrow it.
You: I changed my mind.
Her: Well, can I at least use your glass for the house party?
You: No, and you can't wear my shirts. You're not an ADPi, therefore you can't wear my letters. So do not go in my room again or take anything that is mine.

Then... stand by what you say, if she continues to steal your stuff, talk to your RA (I assume you live on campus).

lyrica9 · #12 10-06-2006, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adelphean

Just go in her room and collect your stuff. Tell her that you did that and make it clear to her that she is not to "borrow" it again.

Then... stand by what you say, if she continues to steal your stuff, talk to your RA (I assume you live on campus).

i did just go get my shirts from her room.
and you assume wrong, i live in an off-campus apartment. i'm a senior and i think i would kill myself if i had to live on campus again.

lyrica9 · #13 10-07-2006, 05:51 AM

hey ladies, i just wanted to say thanks for your help. i don't think i'm going to have to say anything, because it looks as though she will be moving out. she came home really drunk tonight, and a situation escalated with a friend of hers physically threatening me, and i called the cops.. and it's a big sticky situation that i believe ends in her moving out. she started breaking things in my room, i'm really scared right now, and i've got my room locked and i'm staying downstairs tonight. she's asleep so the situation is calm for now, but i really need your thoughts and prayers to get through this one.

sdsuchelle · #14 10-07-2006, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyrica9

hey ladies, i just wanted to say thanks for your help. i don't think i'm going to have to say anything, because it looks as though she will be moving out. she came home really drunk tonight, and a situation escalated with a friend of hers physically threatening me, and i called the cops.. and it's a big sticky situation that i believe ends in her moving out. she started breaking things in my room, i'm really scared right now, and i've got my room locked and i'm staying downstairs tonight. she's asleep so the situation is calm for now, but i really need your thoughts and prayers to get through this one.

Oh my goodness :-/

Well I guess we should all be glad that she isn't an ADPi. Haha.

honeychile · #15 10-07-2006, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyrica9

hey ladies, i just wanted to say thanks for your help. i don't think i'm going to have to say anything, because it looks as though she will be moving out. she came home really drunk tonight, and a situation escalated with a friend of hers physically threatening me, and i called the cops.. and it's a big sticky situation that i believe ends in her moving out. she started breaking things in my room, i'm really scared right now, and i've got my room locked and i'm staying downstairs tonight. she's asleep so the situation is calm for now, but i really need your thoughts and prayers to get through this one.

Wow! Talk about your psychos - no wonder she's not in a sorority! Glad you're out of harm's way, and I'll be praying for you.