Needing help fitting in despite rough circumstances.

[lunalovegood]

Hey everyone, I'd really like some support and advice on what to do here, as I am in a rough situation and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

This post contains information that may be triggering to some.

I'm a first year student, and I was initiated into AGD. I think it was a great decision for me and I was so happy when I got my bid and a lot of the process has been great.

This is the hard part. Well, my first week of school, even before classes and formal recruitment began, I was raped. I was NOT drunk, I said no, I pushed away, I did everything I could, but it happened. I've been dealing with PTSD since then, but it got more severe starting late September… which was after I signed my bid and began the new member process.

I want you guys to have an idea of what I'm going through and how it's affecting me so I'm going to tell you a lot.

Physically: terrible sleep patterns and nightmares, as I was raped in my own bed. I got a room change, but I hate sleeping because of what happened, so I get maybe 4 hours a night. Eating a lot less; I've dropped ten pounds since the start of the semester.

Emotionally/Mentally: I have a lot of flashbacks and am easily frightened by the dark and loud noises and even certain colors and words. I have a lot of anxiety, so much that it sometimes paralyzes me. I have feelings of worthlessness a lot that have led to self-destructive behaviors.

Academically: My rapist was in my physics class, and it not only scared me, but the idea of physics began to overwhelm me because I associated him with the class… I stopped showing up, worked out an arrangement with my professor (without telling her the real reason), but couldn't keep my end up because I was THAT overwhelmed by it. I showed up to the tests, which were in a huge room, and managed to see him every time. The anxiety I had about leaving my room stopped me from attending classes. I ended up having a meeting with the dean and I'm repeating the semester, but if I hadn't done that, my grades would have been dismal.

Behaviorally: The feelings of anxiety and worthlessness lead me to do a lot of negative things. Skipping classes, not doing homework, not eating, sleeping a lot, engaging in self-destructive behaviors: self-injury, drinking, and promiscuity.

I have been in counseling and on medication for the PTSD. I have also been in the process of pressing judicial charges against the guy who did it.

I'm in a better place right now somewhat, because most of this culminated in a huge breakdown where one of my guy friends brought me to the crisis center and I was admitted to the hospital for three days.

I feel like I'm having a hard time really fitting in and getting to know my new sisters because of my emotional state. It's not that -- on any level -- I don't love my sisters already, because I do. And I want to get to know them better, but I'm having such a hard time with that, because I feel like I don't fit in. I'm not in a place where I'm ready to be social on weekend nights at fraternity parties. I get overwhelmed really easily in large groups now, so I kind of dread going to chapter or up to the house for dinner. The girls in my pledge class have gotten a lot closer and I feel almost intrusive, like a nuisance, every time I talk to them.

I'm not saying that this is all my sisters being bad people because the large majority do NOT know what I'm going through. My big is the only one who knows… she's supported me since I found out I was her little. Sometime after Thanksgiving something changed in our friendship and we haven't been talking except for the day I was admitted. In all honesty, this may have to do with my inability to change my behaviors even after she's tried to help; i.e, getting more sharp things to cut with after she's taken them, lying to her about what I've been doing, the amount of hookups, etc. And I can't blame her for being mad, and I owe her a huge apology. It's just really hard not having her there even to go to Starbucks and Panera with to gossip.

I have considered the idea of disaffiliating myself, but that is not something I want to do. I know a huge part of this lies in me getting better and getting the help I need.

Do you guys have any ideas on how I could handle this situation? I get more and more upset the more I think about it, and right now I really don't need to be in a worse emotional state than I already am.


Love to you all and have a Happy New Year.