Need some advice here.....

[jtrain12]

Alright, so my ex-girlfriend, who i am still friends with, has recently started seeing this guy. I have been sort of skeptical of this guy from the start, as he is 6 years old than she is (shes 18, hes 24). Well last night, when she was drunk, my friend confessed to me that he has been hitting her, in addition to not approving of her hanging out with me, or with girls in her sorority. When I told her that she should leave him, or at least get counseling, she said, "no, its not that big of a deal, because I do stupid things so I deserve it, and hes a nice guy sometimes." She also made me promise not to tell this to any of her friends.
So anyways, im conflicted as to what to do here. On one hand, I know that she will not have the courage to step up her self and take the proper steps to take care of this problem, wether its leaving him, or getting counseling, or calling the police or w/e, and since I now know this is occuring, I feel somewhat responsible, espically if she were to get seriously inured as a result of this. However, on the other hand I don't want to betray her trust on this matter.
P.S. this may seem like an attempt to get back with her/ get back at her, but you have to understand that couldn't be further from the truth; I broke up with her, and she gave me multiple opportunities to come back.

You may feel responsibility to call the police, but that won't do her any good if she denies everything. I'd tell her friends. So what if she made you promise not to say anything? She's freaking ashamed of him. If it's shame that helps her get out of that, so be it. Hand her over to the women to help her. Some may have been in the same situation. Regardless, they'll know more about emotions and feelings more than you do.

Honestly? I was in the same boat when I was 18. I "loved" my BF even though he did that shit to me. Still, I hated my friends because my pride took over and I didn't want to admit that they were right and I needed to get out. I resented them and alienated myself from them because all I kept hearing was "You need to do this..." and "You should do this..." I'm the kind of person who doesn't like being told what to do.

Eventually I came around and I got out of that abusive relationship. I couldn't rely on others to do it for me. It was something I had to do for myself.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by jtrain12

Alright, so my ex-girlfriend, who i am still friends with, has recently started seeing this guy. I have been sort of skeptical of this guy from the start, as he is 6 years old than she is (shes 18, hes 24). Well last night, when she was drunk,

I got this far, and then I was done reading.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I got this far, and then I was done reading.

it's easy to judge other people and their decisions.

Originally Posted by jtrain12

Alright, so my ex-girlfriend, who i am still friends with, has recently started seeing this guy. I have been sort of skeptical of this guy from the start, as he is 6 years old than she is (shes 18, hes 24). Well last night, when she was drunk, my friend confessed to me that he has been hitting her, in addition to not approving of her hanging out with me, or with girls in her sorority. When I told her that she should leave him, or at least get counseling, she said, "no, its not that big of a deal, because I do stupid things so I deserve it, and hes a nice guy sometimes." She also made me promise not to tell this to any of her friends.
So anyways, im conflicted as to what to do here. On one hand, I know that she will not have the courage to step up her self and take the proper steps to take care of this problem, wether its leaving him, or getting counseling, or calling the police or w/e, and since I now know this is occuring, I feel somewhat responsible, espically if she were to get seriously inured as a result of this. However, on the other hand I don't want to betray her trust on this matter.
P.S. this may seem like an attempt to get back with her/ get back at her, but you have to understand that couldn't be further from the truth; I broke up with her, and she gave me multiple opportunities to come back.

I agree with OTW, I would talk to her friends about it, and depending on how that goes, follow up with her, etc. She might not be happy about it at first, and that's something you might have to deal with, but ultimately, you have this information, and it's important that you pass it along. She is in trouble, whether she wants to admit it or not (the possessiveness, not letting her do things or see her friends AND abusing her?) and if she was having suicidal thoughts, would you stand by and do nothing? (i'm not trying to be accusatory, but trying to put this serious situation into perspective). You may lose her as a friend for a little while, and that might be something you'll have to live with, but she might also be grateful, she told you for a reason and that could be her cry for help, whether she realizes it or not...
Good luck, and you are doing the right thing.

[jon1856]

Does the term "Spousal Abuse" ring a bell here?
Yes, I know they are only dating, but situation seems to fit term and definition rather well. As does abused woman syndrome.

[Fawn Liebowitz]

I know I'll probably get blasted for this, but:

She confided in you because she trusts you - are you willing to break that confidence and possibly even lose her as a friend?

He has no hold on her, yet she stays with him. Why?

Express your concerns to her, support her, be there for her. That's really where your responsibility for the situation ends. Sometimes, trying to guide someone out of a bad situation just makes them more determined to stay in it - depends on her mindset.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by Fawn Liebowitz

He has no hold on her, yet she stays with him. Why?

It's pretty clear he does have a hold on her - that's how the abuse cycle works, actually.

Without knowing the situation better, all we can say with any certainty is something like this: your friend has some self-image or self-esteem issues, and as a result, she doesn't see that what is happening to her is a problem. She really does think she "deserves" it - when she looks at the situation through her biased, diseased lens, all she sees is someone she is 'lucky' to have and someone she treats like 'crap' because of the things she does.

Until you understand that she is not seeing the world correctly and clearly, you'll have no shot to help her. She doesn't get that nothing she does deserves being assaulted, nor does she see his controlling behavior as what it is: manipulative and abusive.

The word "abuse" is loaded - so avoid it. Try to prop your friend up by noting that she deserves good things, doesn't deserve to be treated poorly, and deserves to see her friends and have fun. Be supportive - keep tabs on the situation as best you can. Make a standing appointment, be it for lunch or one night a week that you go out, and use that night to hear her concerns, to give her support and esteem, and get her to a good place. OTW's situation is pretty common - until she's ready to move on, you'll be hard pressed to make her do anything.

Abusive relationships are about power, in general - it's about control, victory, and all that comes with it. Help her regain power over her own life, and she'll start to (slowly, very slowly) undermine his power over her.

Calling the police or "ratting" might not be the ideal solution - if she's in this deep, you'll just push her away. If there is another trustworthy friend, use them as a resource and a second set of eyes. Once you've helped her to understand that there's something wrong with the relationship, get her to a counselor - your school should provide these resources. It will take a LONG time, and it's hard work, but these kinds of situations are (startlingly and unfortunately) common.

Good luck.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

It's pretty clear he does have a hold on her - that's how the abuse cycle works, actually.

Without knowing the situation better, all we can say with any certainty is something like this: your friend has some self-image or self-esteem issues, and as a result, she doesn't see that what is happening to her is a problem. She really does think she "deserves" it - when she looks at the situation through her biased, diseased lens, all she sees is someone she is 'lucky' to have and someone she treats like 'crap' because of the things she does.

Until you understand that she is not seeing the world correctly and clearly, you'll have no shot to help her. She doesn't get that nothing she does deserves being assaulted, nor does she see his controlling behavior as what it is: manipulative and abusive.

The word "abuse" is loaded - so avoid it. Try to prop your friend up by noting that she deserves good things, doesn't deserve to be treated poorly, and deserves to see her friends and have fun. Be supportive - keep tabs on the situation as best you can. Make a standing appointment, be it for lunch or one night a week that you go out, and use that night to hear her concerns, to give her support and esteem, and get her to a good place. OTW's situation is pretty common - until she's ready to move on, you'll be hard pressed to make her do anything.

Abusive relationships are about power, in general - it's about control, victory, and all that comes with it. Help her regain power over her own life, and she'll start to (slowly, very slowly) undermine his power over her.

Calling the police or "ratting" might not be the ideal solution - if she's in this deep, you'll just push her away. If there is another trustworthy friend, use them as a resource and a second set of eyes. Once you've helped her to understand that there's something wrong with the relationship, get her to a counselor - your school should provide these resources. It will take a LONG time, and it's hard work, but these kinds of situations are (startlingly and unfortunately) common.

Good luck.

VERY well said. I couldn't agree more.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by Fawn Liebowitz

She confided in you because she trusts you - are you willing to break that confidence and possibly even lose her as a friend?

He has no hold on her, yet she stays with him.

I agree with Fawn...

Regardless of what we think, the fact is she confessed to you under inebriation that she is being physically abused. Your next steps are to notify responsible authorities. If not the police, then some domestic violence and abuse shelter on your campus.

Here is the cycle of violence.



You have your life to consider, too. So, you should not be responsible for this "adult" decision. But as a friend--turn her over to the people who get paid for this kind intervention.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I agree with Fawn...

Regardless of what we think, the fact is she confessed to you under inebriation that she is being physically abused. Your next steps are to notify responsible authorities. If not the police, then some domestic violence and abuse shelter on your campus.

But as a friend--turn her over to the people who get paid for this kind intervention.

And what if she denies everything? The police won't do anything. I don't know how many times my parents and friends called authorities on my BF. I lied because I didn't want him carted off to jail. My safety and well-being was secondary. My "relationship" was top priority. That was my 18 year old way of thinking. It's easy for outsiders to assume that calling the police is the way to go, but you can't do that if she's not willing to cooperate. It doesn't work that way.

To the OP, do NOT...ABSOLUTELY DO NOT...turn her over to paid professionals. If she cannot confide and trust her friends, there is NO WAY IN HELL she'll accept the help of paid professionals. An intervention with strangers is a bad, bad, idea.

KSig RC offered some great advice. jtrain, my PM box is open if you need anything.

[RaggedyAnn]

Do some research to find out the local DV hotline number and find out campus counseling services. Supply her with the information and encourage her to use it.

The cycles of abuse are often repetetive too, so try not to lose faith if she leaves him, he apologizes and she goes back to him. This could go on a few times before the relationship ends/or does not.

If you see her really start withdrawing from her sisters, it may be best to break confidentiality. She'll need their support at some point and if they understand what is going on, they may "forgive" easier.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by OTW

And what if she denies everything? The police won't do anything. I don't know how many times my parents and friends called authorities on my BF. I lied because I didn't want him carted off to jail. My safety and well-being was secondary. My "relationship" was top priority. That was my 18 year old way of thinking. It's easy for outsiders to assume that calling the police is the way to go, but you can't do that if she's not willing to cooperate. It doesn't work that way.

To the OP, do NOT...ABSOLUTELY DO NOT...turn her over to paid professionals. If she cannot confide and trust her friends, there is NO WAY IN HELL she'll accept the help of paid professionals. An intervention with strangers is a bad, bad, idea.

KSig RC offered some great advice. jtrain, my PM box is open if you need anything.

The point of discussing this with paid professionals is to provide a paper trail--something on record so that when she is ready to help herself it is not out of nowhere.

It must have been tough for you to triumph over something so dehumanizing that eventually made you who you are. How ever did you get yourself out of that hole?

[DSTCHAOS]

The truth of the matter is that this is an unpredictable situation and everyone in this thread has said some valuable things.

Forwarding her to a trained professional (hotline or otherwise) could work out very well and lead to a resolution or it might not. That's why abuse is a continuous focus and there are abused men and women who relapse all the time and go back to their abuser.

I definitely don't recommend the friends adopting this as their effort. It's too much for friends to take on. Be there to support her but challenge her to go beyond you all and get help. Tell her that you won't abandon her but that she needs a different kind of support and a way to accumulate her own strength.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

The point of discussing this with paid professionals is to provide a paper trail--something on record so that when she is ready to help herself it is not out of nowhere.

I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out.

It must have been tough for you to triumph over something so dehumanizing that eventually made you who you are. How ever did you get yourself out of that hole?

At that time I was very active with a church Youth Group. One of the lay pastors (who just happened to be a friend's mom) saw and noticed the signs. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. She shared her experience, strength, and hope with me, never telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

She was there to listen when I vented or was scared. The abuse started with "small" stuff. Over a period of time (about a year and a half, I want to say) I realized my value. Call it an "awakening," I don't know. I'm not too big on religion, but I do consider myself spiritual. By the grace of my Higher Power, I decided I had had enough. He hit me for the last time as we were in the car, traveling on the highway. I had severe swelling on my thigh and leg area. After deciding that enough was enough and being willing to cooperate with authorities, I sought the help of my friend's mother. She called my mom, and the three of us went to the police.

Charges were filed, but because of "highly influential" (READ: wealthy and pillars of society) parents, he got a slap on the wrist. I was living on another island at this time just in case he decided to retaliate.

He was in another relationship after me, and that produced a son. I consider myself lucky. The mother of his child also became a victim, and he broke her collarbone. He did jail time for this one.

For a long time I was ashamed to tell anyone about what happened. Today I am ready and willing to be open about it, especially if it can help other women in similar situations.

I owe my life to that lady, and maybe one day I can be there for another woman just like she was there for me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by OTW

I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out.

At that time I was very active with a church Youth Group. One of the lay pastors (who just happened to be a friend's mom) saw and noticed the signs. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. She shared her experience, strength, and hope with me, never telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

She was there to listen when I vented or was scared. The abuse started with "small" stuff. Over a period of time (about a year and a half, I want to say) I realized my value. Call it an "awakening," I don't know. I'm not too big on religion, but I do consider myself spiritual. By the grace of my Higher Power, I decided I had had enough. He hit me for the last time as we were in the car, traveling on the highway. I had severe swelling on my thigh and leg area. After deciding that enough was enough and being willing to cooperate with authorities, I sought the help of my friend's mother. She called my mom, and the three of us went to the police.

Charges were filed, but because of "highly influential" (READ: wealthy and pillars of society) parents, he got a slap on the wrist. I was living on another island at this time just in case he decided to retaliate.

He was in another relationship after me, and that produced a son. I consider myself lucky. The mother of his child also became a victim, and he broke her collarbone. He did jail time for this one.

For a long time I was ashamed to tell anyone about what happened. Today I am ready and willing to be open about it, especially if it can help other women in similar situations.

I owe my life to that lady, and maybe one day I can be there for another woman just like she was there for me.

Firstly, thank you.

Secondly, most pastorates are trained for a few hours on mental health and some seek mental health outreach before they get a church.

Lastly, that person, whom is called a man used money to bide his time, but it still did not diminish his mentality at the time, because as he did it to you, he soon did it to another... That is USUALLY the case--call it standard operating procedure for this kind of crime. Most victims of domestic violence have "cryptic wounds" that are hidden from everyone's site UNTIL a "RESPONSIBLE AUTHORITY" does a kit--like rape kit.

I feel so sorry you had to endure than kind of pain. Remember, there is the right to freedom of the press in this country... He had no right to make you feel this way and hurt to no end. And believe me, other women he did this to feel the same way.

Remember, you are NOT alone in this kind of pain, humiliation and suffering...


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