Need some advice here.....

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by Fawn Liebowitz

She confided in you because she trusts you - are you willing to break that confidence and possibly even lose her as a friend?

He has no hold on her, yet she stays with him.

I agree with Fawn...

Regardless of what we think, the fact is she confessed to you under inebriation that she is being physically abused. Your next steps are to notify responsible authorities. If not the police, then some domestic violence and abuse shelter on your campus.

Here is the cycle of violence.



You have your life to consider, too. So, you should not be responsible for this "adult" decision. But as a friend--turn her over to the people who get paid for this kind intervention.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I agree with Fawn...

Regardless of what we think, the fact is she confessed to you under inebriation that she is being physically abused. Your next steps are to notify responsible authorities. If not the police, then some domestic violence and abuse shelter on your campus.

But as a friend--turn her over to the people who get paid for this kind intervention.

And what if she denies everything? The police won't do anything. I don't know how many times my parents and friends called authorities on my BF. I lied because I didn't want him carted off to jail. My safety and well-being was secondary. My "relationship" was top priority. That was my 18 year old way of thinking. It's easy for outsiders to assume that calling the police is the way to go, but you can't do that if she's not willing to cooperate. It doesn't work that way.

To the OP, do NOT...ABSOLUTELY DO NOT...turn her over to paid professionals. If she cannot confide and trust her friends, there is NO WAY IN HELL she'll accept the help of paid professionals. An intervention with strangers is a bad, bad, idea.

KSig RC offered some great advice. jtrain, my PM box is open if you need anything.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by OTW

And what if she denies everything? The police won't do anything. I don't know how many times my parents and friends called authorities on my BF. I lied because I didn't want him carted off to jail. My safety and well-being was secondary. My "relationship" was top priority. That was my 18 year old way of thinking. It's easy for outsiders to assume that calling the police is the way to go, but you can't do that if she's not willing to cooperate. It doesn't work that way.

To the OP, do NOT...ABSOLUTELY DO NOT...turn her over to paid professionals. If she cannot confide and trust her friends, there is NO WAY IN HELL she'll accept the help of paid professionals. An intervention with strangers is a bad, bad, idea.

KSig RC offered some great advice. jtrain, my PM box is open if you need anything.

The point of discussing this with paid professionals is to provide a paper trail--something on record so that when she is ready to help herself it is not out of nowhere.

It must have been tough for you to triumph over something so dehumanizing that eventually made you who you are. How ever did you get yourself out of that hole?

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

The point of discussing this with paid professionals is to provide a paper trail--something on record so that when she is ready to help herself it is not out of nowhere.

I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out.

It must have been tough for you to triumph over something so dehumanizing that eventually made you who you are. How ever did you get yourself out of that hole?

At that time I was very active with a church Youth Group. One of the lay pastors (who just happened to be a friend's mom) saw and noticed the signs. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. She shared her experience, strength, and hope with me, never telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

She was there to listen when I vented or was scared. The abuse started with "small" stuff. Over a period of time (about a year and a half, I want to say) I realized my value. Call it an "awakening," I don't know. I'm not too big on religion, but I do consider myself spiritual. By the grace of my Higher Power, I decided I had had enough. He hit me for the last time as we were in the car, traveling on the highway. I had severe swelling on my thigh and leg area. After deciding that enough was enough and being willing to cooperate with authorities, I sought the help of my friend's mother. She called my mom, and the three of us went to the police.

Charges were filed, but because of "highly influential" (READ: wealthy and pillars of society) parents, he got a slap on the wrist. I was living on another island at this time just in case he decided to retaliate.

He was in another relationship after me, and that produced a son. I consider myself lucky. The mother of his child also became a victim, and he broke her collarbone. He did jail time for this one.

For a long time I was ashamed to tell anyone about what happened. Today I am ready and willing to be open about it, especially if it can help other women in similar situations.

I owe my life to that lady, and maybe one day I can be there for another woman just like she was there for me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by OTW

I never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out.

At that time I was very active with a church Youth Group. One of the lay pastors (who just happened to be a friend's mom) saw and noticed the signs. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. She shared her experience, strength, and hope with me, never telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

She was there to listen when I vented or was scared. The abuse started with "small" stuff. Over a period of time (about a year and a half, I want to say) I realized my value. Call it an "awakening," I don't know. I'm not too big on religion, but I do consider myself spiritual. By the grace of my Higher Power, I decided I had had enough. He hit me for the last time as we were in the car, traveling on the highway. I had severe swelling on my thigh and leg area. After deciding that enough was enough and being willing to cooperate with authorities, I sought the help of my friend's mother. She called my mom, and the three of us went to the police.

Charges were filed, but because of "highly influential" (READ: wealthy and pillars of society) parents, he got a slap on the wrist. I was living on another island at this time just in case he decided to retaliate.

He was in another relationship after me, and that produced a son. I consider myself lucky. The mother of his child also became a victim, and he broke her collarbone. He did jail time for this one.

For a long time I was ashamed to tell anyone about what happened. Today I am ready and willing to be open about it, especially if it can help other women in similar situations.

I owe my life to that lady, and maybe one day I can be there for another woman just like she was there for me.

Firstly, thank you.

Secondly, most pastorates are trained for a few hours on mental health and some seek mental health outreach before they get a church.

Lastly, that person, whom is called a man used money to bide his time, but it still did not diminish his mentality at the time, because as he did it to you, he soon did it to another... That is USUALLY the case--call it standard operating procedure for this kind of crime. Most victims of domestic violence have "cryptic wounds" that are hidden from everyone's site UNTIL a "RESPONSIBLE AUTHORITY" does a kit--like rape kit.

I feel so sorry you had to endure than kind of pain. Remember, there is the right to freedom of the press in this country... He had no right to make you feel this way and hurt to no end. And believe me, other women he did this to feel the same way.

Remember, you are NOT alone in this kind of pain, humiliation and suffering...


We are here for you whenever you need us...

[nittanyalum]

Hugs to my sister, ((((((OTW)))))).

[jtrain12]

so just an update...this story looks like it has a happy ending, at least for most involved. I ended up deciding not to tell her friends right away, and rather waiting to see if I saw signs of the abuse continuing (bruises, being withdrawn from friends, etc.) Well this past weekend, my friend told the guy that she had enough, and did not want to see him. The next day, he came to her dorm, and begged her to come back, which she did not. Later that night, he went to the bar where she was at, and grabbed her and started screaming at her. Lucky, her friends pulled her away, and the bouncers threw him out and called the cops on him, who arrested him.
Anyways, my friend seems much happier, although understandably a bit shaken up after what happened last night. I hope that people who are unfortunately in these situations can learn from this.

[jon1856]

Originally Posted by jtrain12

so just an update...this story looks like it has a happy ending, at least for most involved. I ended up deciding not to tell her friends right away, and rather waiting to see if I saw signs of the abuse continuing (bruises, being withdrawn from friends, etc.) Well this past weekend, my friend told the guy that she had enough, and did not want to see him. The next day, he came to her dorm, and begged her to come back, which she did not. Later that night, he went to the bar where she was at, and grabbed her and started screaming at her. Lucky, her friends pulled her away, and the bouncers threw him out and called the cops on him, who arrested him.
Anyways, my friend seems much happier, although understandably a bit shaken up after what happened last night. I hope that people who are unfortunately in these situations can learn from this.

Perhaps due to my mothers professional back ground, or from watching too many cop shows et al, as I was reading this I was seeing in my minds eye something else. Him showing up, late at night, and her just disappearing.

While I am glad that it turned out the way it did, I am not sure that the odds were in favor.