Need some advice here.....

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by Fawn Liebowitz

He has no hold on her, yet she stays with him. Why?

It's pretty clear he does have a hold on her - that's how the abuse cycle works, actually.

Without knowing the situation better, all we can say with any certainty is something like this: your friend has some self-image or self-esteem issues, and as a result, she doesn't see that what is happening to her is a problem. She really does think she "deserves" it - when she looks at the situation through her biased, diseased lens, all she sees is someone she is 'lucky' to have and someone she treats like 'crap' because of the things she does.

Until you understand that she is not seeing the world correctly and clearly, you'll have no shot to help her. She doesn't get that nothing she does deserves being assaulted, nor does she see his controlling behavior as what it is: manipulative and abusive.

The word "abuse" is loaded - so avoid it. Try to prop your friend up by noting that she deserves good things, doesn't deserve to be treated poorly, and deserves to see her friends and have fun. Be supportive - keep tabs on the situation as best you can. Make a standing appointment, be it for lunch or one night a week that you go out, and use that night to hear her concerns, to give her support and esteem, and get her to a good place. OTW's situation is pretty common - until she's ready to move on, you'll be hard pressed to make her do anything.

Abusive relationships are about power, in general - it's about control, victory, and all that comes with it. Help her regain power over her own life, and she'll start to (slowly, very slowly) undermine his power over her.

Calling the police or "ratting" might not be the ideal solution - if she's in this deep, you'll just push her away. If there is another trustworthy friend, use them as a resource and a second set of eyes. Once you've helped her to understand that there's something wrong with the relationship, get her to a counselor - your school should provide these resources. It will take a LONG time, and it's hard work, but these kinds of situations are (startlingly and unfortunately) common.

Good luck.