Request to help this CA heal from a tough 2013.

[AXiDTrish]

I need to talk about 2013 and get it off my chest. It has been the absolute worst year of my life. Since much of it is Greek-based I felt this (somewhat anonymous) community might understand where I am coming from or have experienced part of what I’m dealing with, but I hope not. I’m hoping that sharing will be the release that I’ve needed, but didn’t know how to do. I apologize ahead of time for this incredibly long post (and grammatical errors).

I’ve been advising at this little school since the chapter began and have been a VERY active advisor. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, love my girls. All of them….even the ones who never like(d) me. I will walk through fire for them and those who know me personally on Greekchat would support that statement. I’ve gotten to know a small handful of parents/grandparents too, though I don’t make a habit of that for obvious reasons. As a CA I think you are always looking for advisor material. Someone trustworthy, that has the passion to answer those 3am calls that scare the hell out of you, knowledgeable about to running a chapter, open to learning and change, and someone with a heart big enough to love it as much as you do yourself. You look for those in your college women as they come through the ranks knowing you have to wait a few years after they graduate to bring them back. Finding advisors can be a multiple year investment of your time. In December 2012, I started the post-graduation wait….I found one.

You aren’t supposed to have favorites….you aren’t, but I did. She was a COB pick up that started school scared of her own shadow and unsure of what her own voice sounded like. She was smart, but had to work incredibly hard in school. She was a little awkward and very naïve. Over her 4 years in school, oh how she grew! In my opinion it’s what sororities are really meant to do…build girls into women. We always want to recruit the ones who are already put together. This one was a real story of growth. By her graduation she was THAT student the campus knew. Students, faculty, staff….everyone! She worked various jobs on campus, was an orientation leader, Panhellenic President, President of her chapter, well known in the study center, career & counseling centers, Order of Omega, housing office, campus counselors knew her by name because she was their cheerleader to students who were afraid to ask for help and would personally introduce them, the Student Activities office could count on her for about anything and I could too. I knew that no matter what the chapter was safe in her hands and if help was needed, I never needed to worry. She would always keep me in the loop. I knew her family too. They were the involved type. They supported her in whatever path she took even when they were really unsure…..sorority? Really?

On a personal note, during the first chapter meeting after fall 2012 recruitment I got my first candlepassing (yes, at 35….roll your eyes if you want) and when the candle got to pregnancy I watched the chapter look around in a weird panic. I still laugh…those girls didn’t want to TOUCH that candle! That’s a good sign to a chapter advisor! As it became clear that I was probably the person who would blow out that candle it, and then did, let’s just say it was one of my most precious and touching sorority moments. The girls were instantly invested in what we soon learned was my little legacy due on April 1, 2013.

The last week of March 2013 I received a call at midnight on Tuesday. My favorite now grad was in the hospital. Long story short she had broken her foot and developed blood clots which traveled to both lungs. She was in a drug induced coma. She had to be revived in the ambulance, so I knew this was not going to be a good outcome, but like everyone I hoped. The next morning I drove to the hospital and waddled in. I was a hugely pregnant with my due date less than a week away. My intent was to see her family only and not visit her bedside, but her dad and Grandma would have none of it. They said she would want to know I was there and it was true. I filed in and sat bedside with 10 of my college women. We were a super small chapter for so long and the girls in there with me were the core group who built the chapter with her to what it is now. It was hard to be in that room and see them struggle to understand this. Trying to deal with my own emotions and be the strong CA for my girls was a struggle too. The next two days were up and down updates and then I received a call at 7:30am on Friday. First from her best friend sobbing on the other line and a short time later from her dad who told me they were removing life support. He asked me to make sure the chapter knew in a safe environment. After 4 years “sorority really?” had turned into their sorority family too. Following calls to advisors, FHQ staff (whom I love!), campus Greek advisors, I waddled my way to campus and had a meeting with the counseling center. At noon the chapter assembled in the house for an emergency meeting and I walk in with all the advisors and counseling staff. I start with she is still alive to calm them, but deliver words I never wish I had to. I tell them that her parents were honoring her final wishes and would be donating her organs. How do you tell college students their friend would die? It was the best way I could think of. That she would do in death exactly what she did in life, give joy to others. I watched their reactions. Some were slow, others immediate, one was a runner, phone calls to mom and dad, tears, so many tears. The house opened to alumnae and they all came back. It was Good Friday. On Easter Sunday, her organs gave life to others. We know her heart was given to a woman who is a nurse who has 3 children. I think, probably more than I should, of how fortunate that woman is to have that particular heart because it is so full of love and so strong.

The family asked that the chapter be in the processional and at the funeral home before they moved her, they gave AXiDs privacy to be with her a last time. We sang to her. We were singing for us too. Eight of the girls were asked to be pall bearers. I honestly don’t know how they did that. I watched their eyes and there was grief, but amazing inner strength and sense of duty too. There were 500+ people standing room only at her funeral. Her parents placed anyone AXiD related in the front of the church. We took up two very large sections all with quills in mourning, ribbons on, and roses in hand. We were recognized by the preacher as her family. We then followed her to the cemetery. The preacher spoke again and dismissed everyone, but the sisters stayed. As many walked away, the sisters walked to her casket and laid their roses down one by one and then you heard soft tear-filled singing where they finally said their good-bye. On April 3rd, the chapters 9th anniversary we buried our sister.

****Tissue break anyone?****

The following Monday my daughter was born. My mother was so nervous about me going into labor with all the stress and my husband was worried too, but I knew better. Baby and I had been chatting and she knew it was best to stick put. She was born the following Monday following a normal pregnancy and normal birth. That’s where normal ended. I knew the minute I saw her. My baby girl, my little legacy, had Down Syndrome and a day later we learned about her heart defect that would require open heart surgery. In hindsight I was still reeling from the experience the week before and I could hardly wrap my brain around having a special needs baby. Having my first baby was supposed to be all happy pictures and sunshine, but I cried. I don’t have those happy pictures and I regret it, but she was never in the room due to testing and such and I honestly could barely function. I have the image of my husband crying and holding his daughter in his arms with such a heavy heart burned into my mind. A month later, I took her to the local Pediatric ER because I was worried about something I saw. They gave her a shot of antibiotic and sent us home to visit with the Pediatrician the next morning. Three hours later our pediatrician admitted my daughter to the children’s hospital with congestive heart failure. We knew that would happen eventually, but I really wasn’t mentally prepared for it. She had a feeding tube placed and we waited until she gained enough weight for her surgery. It was finally scheduled for August 1st, right before she turned 4 months old.

Two days before her surgery I was sitting at work and my president called. It happened again. One of the chapter alum had a car accident and died the night before. The chapter was hardly healed from losing the first sister and now it tore everything open all over again. I did not attend her funeral because she was buried on the day of my daughter’s surgery, but I did take time for myself to say the Ritual and sing to her. It was all I knew to do.

My daughter is almost 7 months old and we are immersed in therapy session, specialist visits, and fighting for benefits. She thinks that carrots are she special play toys that she can smear everywhere. She is the happiest baby ever and post-surgery is fairly normal, though delayed as expected. My chapter is humming along stronger than ever with business as usual, but for everyone who was there in the spring and summer, there is a different appreciation of life. They don’t get as frazzled about the silly stuff and take each other’s pains more seriously.

I’m not healed. I think in the last couple weeks I’ve realized just how not healed I really am. Besides typical new mom exhaustion, the medical stuff, and working when I really don’t want to, I’m questioning whether I’m still functioning as a good CA. I am doing everything I am supposed to be, but my heart is still so bruised from the last 7 months that I’m almost afraid to get close to the girls I love so much. It could simply be that they are now a solidly functioning chapter where in years prior they needed a lot of guidance. The powers that be know where they’ve been vs. where they are now. I’m certain I’m still mourning both sisters and the life I had dreamed of for my daughter, including a potential sorority life. If that sounds selfish, well, it is, but it’s my reality. I’m not the most put together person, a little scrappy and rough around the edges, which makes me a good momma bear. I’ve always fought for my girls and my daughter. I guess I now need to fight for myself and figure out who the new me really is. Thank you for letting me share. Hopefully the healing can begin….now….