Request to help this CA heal from a tough 2013.
 

I need to talk about 2013 and get it off my chest. It has been the absolute worst year of my life. Since much of it is Greek-based I felt this (somewhat anonymous) community might understand where I am coming from or have experienced part of what I’m dealing with, but I hope not. I’m hoping that sharing will be the release that I’ve needed, but didn’t know how to do. I apologize ahead of time for this incredibly long post (and grammatical errors).

I’ve been advising at this little school since the chapter began and have been a VERY active advisor. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, love my girls. All of them….even the ones who never like(d) me. I will walk through fire for them and those who know me personally on Greekchat would support that statement. I’ve gotten to know a small handful of parents/grandparents too, though I don’t make a habit of that for obvious reasons. As a CA I think you are always looking for advisor material. Someone trustworthy, that has the passion to answer those 3am calls that scare the hell out of you, knowledgeable about to running a chapter, open to learning and change, and someone with a heart big enough to love it as much as you do yourself. You look for those in your college women as they come through the ranks knowing you have to wait a few years after they graduate to bring them back. Finding advisors can be a multiple year investment of your time. In December 2012, I started the post-graduation wait….I found one.

You aren’t supposed to have favorites….you aren’t, but I did. She was a COB pick up that started school scared of her own shadow and unsure of what her own voice sounded like. She was smart, but had to work incredibly hard in school. She was a little awkward and very naïve. Over her 4 years in school, oh how she grew! In my opinion it’s what sororities are really meant to do…build girls into women. We always want to recruit the ones who are already put together. This one was a real story of growth. By her graduation she was THAT student the campus knew. Students, faculty, staff….everyone! She worked various jobs on campus, was an orientation leader, Panhellenic President, President of her chapter, well known in the study center, career & counseling centers, Order of Omega, housing office, campus counselors knew her by name because she was their cheerleader to students who were afraid to ask for help and would personally introduce them, the Student Activities office could count on her for about anything and I could too. I knew that no matter what the chapter was safe in her hands and if help was needed, I never needed to worry. She would always keep me in the loop. I knew her family too. They were the involved type. They supported her in whatever path she took even when they were really unsure…..sorority? Really?

On a personal note, during the first chapter meeting after fall 2012 recruitment I got my first candlepassing (yes, at 35….roll your eyes if you want) and when the candle got to pregnancy I watched the chapter look around in a weird panic. I still laugh…those girls didn’t want to TOUCH that candle! That’s a good sign to a chapter advisor! As it became clear that I was probably the person who would blow out that candle it, and then did, let’s just say it was one of my most precious and touching sorority moments. The girls were instantly invested in what we soon learned was my little legacy due on April 1, 2013.

The last week of March 2013 I received a call at midnight on Tuesday. My favorite now grad was in the hospital. Long story short she had broken her foot and developed blood clots which traveled to both lungs. She was in a drug induced coma. She had to be revived in the ambulance, so I knew this was not going to be a good outcome, but like everyone I hoped. The next morning I drove to the hospital and waddled in. I was a hugely pregnant with my due date less than a week away. My intent was to see her family only and not visit her bedside, but her dad and Grandma would have none of it. They said she would want to know I was there and it was true. I filed in and sat bedside with 10 of my college women. We were a super small chapter for so long and the girls in there with me were the core group who built the chapter with her to what it is now. It was hard to be in that room and see them struggle to understand this. Trying to deal with my own emotions and be the strong CA for my girls was a struggle too. The next two days were up and down updates and then I received a call at 7:30am on Friday. First from her best friend sobbing on the other line and a short time later from her dad who told me they were removing life support. He asked me to make sure the chapter knew in a safe environment. After 4 years “sorority really?” had turned into their sorority family too. Following calls to advisors, FHQ staff (whom I love!), campus Greek advisors, I waddled my way to campus and had a meeting with the counseling center. At noon the chapter assembled in the house for an emergency meeting and I walk in with all the advisors and counseling staff. I start with she is still alive to calm them, but deliver words I never wish I had to. I tell them that her parents were honoring her final wishes and would be donating her organs. How do you tell college students their friend would die? It was the best way I could think of. That she would do in death exactly what she did in life, give joy to others. I watched their reactions. Some were slow, others immediate, one was a runner, phone calls to mom and dad, tears, so many tears. The house opened to alumnae and they all came back. It was Good Friday. On Easter Sunday, her organs gave life to others. We know her heart was given to a woman who is a nurse who has 3 children. I think, probably more than I should, of how fortunate that woman is to have that particular heart because it is so full of love and so strong.

The family asked that the chapter be in the processional and at the funeral home before they moved her, they gave AXiDs privacy to be with her a last time. We sang to her. We were singing for us too. Eight of the girls were asked to be pall bearers. I honestly don’t know how they did that. I watched their eyes and there was grief, but amazing inner strength and sense of duty too. There were 500+ people standing room only at her funeral. Her parents placed anyone AXiD related in the front of the church. We took up two very large sections all with quills in mourning, ribbons on, and roses in hand. We were recognized by the preacher as her family. We then followed her to the cemetery. The preacher spoke again and dismissed everyone, but the sisters stayed. As many walked away, the sisters walked to her casket and laid their roses down one by one and then you heard soft tear-filled singing where they finally said their good-bye. On April 3rd, the chapters 9th anniversary we buried our sister.

****Tissue break anyone?****

The following Monday my daughter was born. My mother was so nervous about me going into labor with all the stress and my husband was worried too, but I knew better. Baby and I had been chatting and she knew it was best to stick put. She was born the following Monday following a normal pregnancy and normal birth. That’s where normal ended. I knew the minute I saw her. My baby girl, my little legacy, had Down Syndrome and a day later we learned about her heart defect that would require open heart surgery. In hindsight I was still reeling from the experience the week before and I could hardly wrap my brain around having a special needs baby. Having my first baby was supposed to be all happy pictures and sunshine, but I cried. I don’t have those happy pictures and I regret it, but she was never in the room due to testing and such and I honestly could barely function. I have the image of my husband crying and holding his daughter in his arms with such a heavy heart burned into my mind. A month later, I took her to the local Pediatric ER because I was worried about something I saw. They gave her a shot of antibiotic and sent us home to visit with the Pediatrician the next morning. Three hours later our pediatrician admitted my daughter to the children’s hospital with congestive heart failure. We knew that would happen eventually, but I really wasn’t mentally prepared for it. She had a feeding tube placed and we waited until she gained enough weight for her surgery. It was finally scheduled for August 1st, right before she turned 4 months old.

Two days before her surgery I was sitting at work and my president called. It happened again. One of the chapter alum had a car accident and died the night before. The chapter was hardly healed from losing the first sister and now it tore everything open all over again. I did not attend her funeral because she was buried on the day of my daughter’s surgery, but I did take time for myself to say the Ritual and sing to her. It was all I knew to do.

My daughter is almost 7 months old and we are immersed in therapy session, specialist visits, and fighting for benefits. She thinks that carrots are she special play toys that she can smear everywhere. She is the happiest baby ever and post-surgery is fairly normal, though delayed as expected. My chapter is humming along stronger than ever with business as usual, but for everyone who was there in the spring and summer, there is a different appreciation of life. They don’t get as frazzled about the silly stuff and take each other’s pains more seriously.

I’m not healed. I think in the last couple weeks I’ve realized just how not healed I really am. Besides typical new mom exhaustion, the medical stuff, and working when I really don’t want to, I’m questioning whether I’m still functioning as a good CA. I am doing everything I am supposed to be, but my heart is still so bruised from the last 7 months that I’m almost afraid to get close to the girls I love so much. It could simply be that they are now a solidly functioning chapter where in years prior they needed a lot of guidance. The powers that be know where they’ve been vs. where they are now. I’m certain I’m still mourning both sisters and the life I had dreamed of for my daughter, including a potential sorority life. If that sounds selfish, well, it is, but it’s my reality. I’m not the most put together person, a little scrappy and rough around the edges, which makes me a good momma bear. I’ve always fought for my girls and my daughter. I guess I now need to fight for myself and figure out who the new me really is. Thank you for letting me share. Hopefully the healing can begin….now….

All I can say to you is in those dark moments, remember the ritual and the symphony. It has gotten me through some terrible times at 1 am, alone in the dark with your mind.

HUGE hugs and prayers going up for you.

Trish- you don't know me, but your story really touched me. I hope telling it here helps. Your story shows such a gift for caring and strength. I bet you are a tremendous mentor and leader to your girls. Time will help heal the pain. Take care of yourself and step back if you need to, in order to focus on your daughter. I hope you can accept help & comfort from those around you. A hug from a stranger on GC might not be the most meaningful, but you have one from me. {{{long tight hugs}}}

Take care of yourself. {hug}

Here's me dealing with my own crap crying my eyes out over your heart break. Time may heal all things but it never makes them disappear. Here's to finding the warm memories and joie de vivre for the things you used to love so that you can move forward while appreciating rather than continuing to mourn your past. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy (me too, of sorts), but don't forget your sisters and other friends. The good ones will not just allow you to share your grief and distress, but WANT you to release some of it to them. They not only CAN help, they want to. The ones who shy away from you because your situation makes them feel uncomfortable, well you know what to do with them.
Heart sunshine baby.

Thetalady said what I was thinking and feeling so succinctly that I just had to quote her, with a caveat of my own:

You have and are still there for your chapter, but you must do what is right for you, your daughter and your husband. Some people will not rise to the occasion until they feel they have no other choice, so give your sisters the choice. Let them know that you need some personal time away from your advisorship. Directly contact those women that you think would be reliable and would work well with the chapter. It always seems more sincere when I am personally contacted than when it is by blast email-and it is harder to say no when I am responding on a personal level. You could tell the potential advisors that you will be glad to serve as their mentors in the beginning, keeping in mind that you can gradually wean them from reliance on you as they gain confidence. It can work! Take care of yourself and your family.

I'm going to echo others and say TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. If you set aside all thoughts of obligation and questions about who would take over and so on, would you still be CA?

(It's also okay if the answer is yes. Some people find that keeping busy is what's best for them in these times. But you have to do it for YOU, not for anyone else right now.)

{{{HUGS}}} to you my dear sister. Hang in there .. find good things to dwell on ..

and remember "we know our joys and sorrows. we share our smiles and tears"

I am so sorry for all of the heartbreak you've experienced this year.

We are all here for you. I too am the mother of a special needs child. He had to have surgery the day he was born, 2 more before his first birthday and heart surgery at 2 1/2. I had to deal with his delays, his older sister, a divorce, and all his therapies My sisters were the glue that held me together. Today my child is no longer a child but a 24 year old man who will be graduating from college in May.

I don't know if you know this piece, but I hope it helps in some way.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

AXiDTrish, one of my daughters has a sister-in-law with Down. Another daughter has a brother-in-law with Down. My husband's first cousin has a teenaged daughter with Down. If you want to speak with any of these moms, they would be glad to give you their insights...pm me if you want contact information.

*hug*

AXiDTrish, my heart goes out to you in this "detour" of your dreams for your baby. I agree with the above posters that there is now nothing more important than focusing on your family. Let someone else in the chapter pick up the slack as you wean yourself away from that position. My son was born normal, but developed autism at one year old after allergic reactions to the vaccinations being administered all at once, and, at the time, they contained thimerosol, which is a mercury deriviatve, which his body couldn't expel. Interestingly enough, the drug companies have since removed the thimerosol from the vaccines, yet claim that it had nothing to do with the rise in the rate of autism diagnoses. He lost all speech sounds, eye contact, his personality; almost like his very soul was stolen from us. We, like you, immersed ourselves in intensive speech, occupational, and socially adaptive therapies. We didn't have time to grieve the loss of our dreams of what he might have been because we had work to do. I found that to be the hardest part. At any rate, he's now 15 and has made great improvements, but will never be normal. We have him on a career track at school in lieu (sp?) of a regular high school diploma, and hope he will be able to learn a trade. The best encouragement I can give you is to celebrate even her smallest accomplishments. One day you'll look back and think, "I never thought she would ever be able to do that!" I have photos of him as an infant before the light went out of his eyes and can't allow myself to look at those anymore. Again, hang in there and take one baby step at a time. I know my situation is not the same as yours, but I know how it feels to have a child with a disability. Good Luck and please accept my love and empathy for you. PM me if you ever need to vent or just talk.

{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}

I agree with those who say think of yourself and your family first. You've dealt with a lot in a short amount of time and your mind and body need time to heal.

And don't feel badly for being disappointed about your little legacy. I think all of us who love our organizations and Greek life in general would feel the same way if we were in your shoes.

Please put your own needs first. If you need people to give you permission to do so (like so many caring women do), there are probably a hundred of us who will give you permission to do so tonight.