Is it tacky to ask who has been invited to a party?

Senusret I · #1 02-21-2010, 11:20 AM

I have been gathering mailing addresses for a a housewarming party. I was asked the following question:

"Now, my next question is...don't be offended, but you've got quite an eclectic group of friends, will it be the mixed crowd we're used to, the APhi crowd, or the G-town preps?"

My instinctual response was "Bitch, be glad you got invited!"

But my actual reply was "I am inviting all my friends. I have no idea who will show up."

Was her question tacky or am I being an etiquette nazi?

Backstory: This is someone I was friends with in high school but have only had intermittent contact with since then. Thought it would be nice to invite her if she's able to come.

AZTheta · #2 02-21-2010, 11:29 AM

Of course it was tacky; good grief! It was also rude, I think. If you were kind enough to extend an invitation, a simple "I would love to attend" or "I'm so sorry, I have to miss it" would suffice.

An important lesson learned in college (and in the sorority most especially) was how to get along with all sorts of people, including those that I didn't particularly care for (they probably didn't care much for me either).

I would love to come to a party at your home, and if I was lucky enough to score an invitation, I'd show up with a gift and I'd be friendly to everyone there. I have yet to attend a party that I haven't had fun at! I LOVE PARTIES.

oh wait, this isn't about me...

DiamondAthena · #3 02-21-2010, 11:48 AM

YES! I thought I was about to have to tell you that you were tacky. Whew! lol

Senusret I · #4 02-21-2010, 11:50 AM

lol! Thanks AzTheta and DiamondAthena!

agzg · #5 02-21-2010, 12:02 PM

I say that it's tacky to ask a question like that. Asking if specific people (for example, a mutual friend) is less tacky.

If I were throwing a party, and a work friend asked if other work friends were going, then I wouldn't think that was tacky (because they're asking about a group of people that directly relates to them). If I were throwing a party, and a work friend commented that it was an eclectic bunch, and am I inviting my grad school friends, I would look at them like they were crazy.

Senusret I · #6 02-21-2010, 12:08 PM

I definitely agree with that. If she had been asking if Butt-Bone, the school bully and nemesis of everyone was going to be there, I could understand.

And double agree on the coworker thing. I have a relatively strict policy of not attempting to be friends with coworkers. Those who are invited already know it -- those who aren't probably aren't interested in the first place. But that's probably another thread.

APhiAnna · #7 02-21-2010, 12:21 PM

Tacky, especially since it is somebody you don't know that well and she was inquiring about the whole "crowd".

However, I honestly don't have a problem if a close friend asks after a specific person if they really want them to be there, if they have a legitimate reason for not wanting to see them (ie they just broke up, etc) or if they are about to hang out with the person and need to know if they can bring up the party or not.

BabyPiNK_FL · #8 02-21-2010, 01:04 PM

I wouldn't see it as tacky because I have a couple groups of friends that don't get along because of serious betrayals and there are lines they won't cross.
I actually personally address it with each side if there will be intermingling of any type. I'm very well known as the peace keeper who bridges those gaps easily. So doing this keeps me sane at the end of the day.

Also, some people are shy or they just want to know if old friends will be there, if they maybe can dress a certain style or not based on who is in attendance. Some people just want to know. But then again I don't get offended by a lot of things people on GC scream "tacky" at all day. (And I also hate the word tacky). In this day and age people just want to know, and I'll oblige them because if they don't want to come because of my other friends, I'd rather not have them there so I don't have to deal with it. The world is much bigger than it used to be where you'd know everyone at an event and you'd know on your own knowledge whether there's someone you would not feel comfortable around, etc.

That's my perspective.

agzg · #9 02-21-2010, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyPiNK_FL

I wouldn't see it as tacky because I have a couple groups of friends that don't get along because of serious betrayals and there are lines they won't cross.
I actually personally address it with each side if there will be intermingling of any type. I'm very well known as the peace keeper who bridges those gaps easily. So doing this keeps me sane at the end of the day.

Also, some people are shy or they just want to know if old friends will be there, if they maybe can dress a certain style or not based on who is in attendance. Some people just want to know. But then again I don't get offended by a lot of things people on GC scream "tacky" at all day. (And I also hate the word tacky). In this day and age people just want to know, and I'll oblige them because if they don't want to come because of my other friends, I'd rather not have them there so I don't have to deal with it. The world is much bigger than it used to be where you'd know everyone at an event and you'd know on your own knowledge whether there's someone you would not feel comfortable around, etc.

That's my perspective.

Bottom line, if someone says "And don't get offended..." before asking their question, what they're about to ask is tacky.

PM_Mama00 · #10 02-21-2010, 01:36 PM

When I'm invited somewhere that isn't my normal group of close friends, I'll ask who's going to be there. She could have asked with a little more tact though. I'm one of those people who feels extremely uncomfortable if I don't know anyone so it's always nice to know who will be there.

ree-Xi · #11 02-21-2010, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyPiNK_FL

I wouldn't see it as tacky because I have a couple groups of friends that don't get along because of serious betrayals and there are lines they won't cross.
I actually personally address it with each side if there will be intermingling of any type. I'm very well known as the peace keeper who bridges those gaps easily. So doing this keeps me sane at the end of the day.

Also, some people are shy or they just want to know if old friends will be there, if they maybe can dress a certain style or not based on who is in attendance. Some people just want to know. But then again I don't get offended by a lot of things people on GC scream "tacky" at all day. (And I also hate the word tacky). In this day and age people just want to know, and I'll oblige them because if they don't want to come because of my other friends, I'd rather not have them there so I don't have to deal with it. The world is much bigger than it used to be where you'd know everyone at an event and you'd know on your own knowledge whether there's someone you would not feel comfortable around, etc.

That's my perspective.

If your friends are rival gangs like the Blood and the Crips, then maybe you might want to alert people as to who has been invited.

If, by "serious betrayals", you mean that some chick's BFF slept with her husband, that's THEIR problem. It's a matter of people moving on, not hanging onto the past. Plus, who burdened you with the role of peacemaker?

If I was so freakin' worried about how someone was going to dress based on who else was attending, I would either take that one fashion-challenged person aside and suggest putting together or shopping for a party outfit, or let that person wear their big girl panties and be herself. If someone doesn't like it, that's their problem.

Simply having advanced technology does not change etiquette. It's rude, plain and simple, for an invitee to suggest that if the Thunderbirds, the church choir or the "preps" are invited, they NEED to know.

I disagree with you on your last statement - the world is much SMALLER these days. If people cannot get along for three hours of drinks, appetizers and maybe karaoke or a game of Jenga, then they can leave. There are plenty of people I would rather not spend my free time with, but in 99.9% of the cases, I would not change my plans simply because someone may or may not show up. (Think about a work function...if given the choice, you might rather spend some alone time with a jellyfish in a bathtub than sip cocktails and make polite conversation with the dude in Accounting, but you go anyway). If there was a chance that the one or two people I hope to never see again were on the guest list, I would specifically ask the host. But for the other 1,998 people I know... eh... who cares?

Sen - I think you handled it gracefully. People with issues need to send the drama elsewhere.

33girl · #12 02-21-2010, 02:33 PM

Your instincts were right. I think you should call her and tell her the party's cancelled (for her, anyway).

honeychile · #13 02-21-2010, 02:38 PM

I think the question as asked is tacky, but as others have said, there are much better ways of getting the same information. I have friends who has a large house/yard, and I usually say something on the line of "Intimate or 500 of your closest friends?" because I rarely know more than 7-8 people at the bigger parties.

Other ways are, "Is that jerk I just broke up with going to be there?" or "Is that gorgeous cousin of yours invited?" would be so much less tacky.

RU OX Alum · #14 02-21-2010, 03:03 PM

yeah that was way rude

DrPhil · #15 02-21-2010, 03:11 PM

She's just not that into you and your friends.

Why would you invite someone who hasn't been worthy of substantial interaction since high school? That's worse than friending people on facebook who you haven't talked to in years and probably don't care what they are doing with their lives. Does it matter whether such people share such life transitions and experiences with you? Me thinks not.

But, that's just me being a "who is u and why is u impotant to me" Nazi.