Received a blatant B-list invitation BY PHONE BY PROXY, what to do?

[33girl]

Do you have to travel more than half an hour to this thing? If so, I would completely blow it off. If not, get a lame gift (regift if possible) and eat and drink 10x your share.

Everyone saying "b-liists are normal" and "you have to invite family" and "you have to do this or that" - that's BULLSHIT. If Groom would have rather had aephialumhubby than his bitchy 4th cousin he never talks to and who is probably being dragged to the thing, he needs to grow a pair and say so. Getting married is for grownups, not children. Be a grownup and tell people it's your wedding, not theirs. There was just an article in the paper today about how people's wedding costs kept going up because their parents forced them to invite ever more family and friends that they didn't know from Adam. Maybe the parents are giving them money, but the bride and groom are the ones with their names on the bills.

And from what I know about aephialum's mother in law, I doubt that this is about thinking that aephialum and hubby would be hurt, more that SHE is offended that HER offspring wasn't included.

[DrPhil]

LOL. I think it is BULLSHIT to give a damn about most of this stuff. Outsiders do not know all of the logistics and aephialum and her husband are among the outsiders.

Attend what you're invited to if you give a damn, give whatever gift you give a damn to give, and stop giving a shit. Or, you can cuss the bride and groom out---why should you be the only ones needlessly thinking about this stuff? Seriously, do whatever you feel you need to do and move on. LOL.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. I think it is BULLSHIT to give a damn about most of this stuff. Outsiders do not know all of the logistics and aephialum and her husband are among the outsiders.

Attend what you're invited to if you give a damn, give whatever gift you give a damn to give, and stop giving a shit. Or, you can cuss the bride and groom out---why should you be the only ones needlessly thinking about this stuff? Seriously, do whatever you feel you need to do and move on. LOL.

This.

There are people in the world with REAL problems. Get over it and move on.

[SoCalGirl]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways.

So....I take it you're not a fan of the way chapters have first and second bid lists during recruitment? I don't see a difference. :shrug:

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

This.

There are people in the world with REAL problems. Get over it and move on.

I try to avoid telling people that their problems or frustrations are not REAL; or that they do not rank high in the world of problems.

It is simply the case that there is but so much "give a damn" that we should have for some things. We have to reserve "give a damn" for things that weight more heavily on us. I do not know aephialum's friend and family dynamics but, in general, other people's wedding fiascos tend not to weight so heavily on us. Once we vent and talk it out, there has to be a course of action so that you can get this off your "give a damn list" and say "WOOOOOOOOSAHHHHH...."

Do that for your own peace, "west and wewaxation."

[Xidelt]

It's funny that the two posters who keep saying not to care about this wedding situation and move on are also the two who seem to be posting the most about said issue.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

It's funny that the two posters who keep saying not to care about this wedding situation and move on are also the two who seem to be posting the most about said issue.

I am also replying to you yet I definitely don't care about you. The conundrums of life.

ASTalumna06 and I still do not believe in devoting but so much real life (GC posts are only vent sessions) "give a damn" to the logistics and silliness of other people's weddings.

[Munchkin03]

This is funny because real life:

Last night I was having drinks with a recently engaged couple (for these purposes, Couple A). She was telling me that a recently married couple in our circle (Couple B) sent a long e-mail to them a week after their engagement telling how terrible wedding planning was and how they should do x, y, and z.

The kicker is that Couple B did not invite Couple A to their wedding back in May and now Couple B is acting on the assumption that Couple A will invite them to their wedding. Couple A is conflicted because everyone else in our group except Couple B is invited to this wedding. I laughed and said, "oh put them on the B list."

Couple B is totally cray, by the way. And the word "couple" looks weird once you type it a lot.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

This is funny because real life:

Last night I was having drinks with a recently engaged couple (for these purposes, Couple A). She was telling me that a recently married couple in our circle (Couple B) sent a long e-mail to them a week after their engagement telling how terrible wedding planning was and how they should do x, y, and z.

The kicker is that Couple B did not invite Couple A to their wedding back in May and now Couple B is acting on the assumption that Couple A will invite them to their wedding. Couple A is conflicted because everyone else in our group except Couple B is invited to this wedding. I laughed and said, "oh put them on the B list."

Couple B is totally cray, by the way. And the word "couple" looks weird once you type it a lot.

LOL. I agree with you. Couple B will only be butthurt if they have a shortterm memory. This will hopefully be handled with as little drama and "give a damn" as possible so that people can move on to the joys of married life.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

It's funny that the two posters who keep saying not to care about this wedding situation and move on are also the two who seem to be posting the most about said issue.

And your point is?

The ridiculousness/"give a damn" problems I've seen and heard about from friends IRL related to weddings:
- Sister of the bride wouldn't show up because she didn't like the groom (for no good reason)
- Parents of the bride wouldn't show up because they didn't like the groom (for no good reason)
- Bride and groom stated in the invite that guests could only attend if they brought a gift that exceeded $150
- a few family members were told they could attend only if they found room for them (at a wedding with over 600 people)

So you're a "B-list guest" (maybe) to a wedding for a couple that you're not that close with, and the mother of the groom is a bitch.

This sounds like a pretty typical wedding "problem" to me

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

And your point is?

Xidelt felt she was calling out irony and therefore ironically warranted replies from those who she considers to be replying too much. No sweat, GCers play the irony game from time to time.

I think this thread is about more than aephialum (they are awesome and will figure this out if they have not already) and therefore we are talking about wedding back-and-forths, in general.

[James]

I agree with a composite of the viewpoints here. It sort of happened to me recently.

One of my friends verbally invited me like a year before his wedding. And then a few months before the wedding he asked for my mailing address to send a formal invitation.

I never got it.

Now. My friend is a bit of an idiot. Great guy to hang out with and have drinks with but still not always the most put together or competent person.

So I figured maybe he just procrastinated, which is fine but not my problem. Or maybe it was something more serious. Perhaps he over estimated the amount of people he could invite or had to trade off for some family member, or more likely so that the bride could invite more of her friends or family.

From my understanding of the calculus of wedding planning and relationships, it seems that the bride's friends may take some precedence over the groom's.

And maybe he felt embarrassed about the situation and didn't want to just tell me. That way after the wedding he could invent a polite fiction and I could politely assure him it wasn't a problem.

Then fast forward. A couple weeks before the wedding I get the phone call to go out for: The Evening of Debauchery and Colossal Shit Show that was his bachelor party.

At the bachelor party he wants to make sure I am coming to the wedding and says that the person who was in charge of sending out the invitations missed the last page of them. Which meant that a bunch of guests didn't get their invite. Obviously I was one of them.

Which might be true. Or maybe that was his way of covering his own lack of attention to detail. Or maybe the conflict resolved and he realized he could invite me after all.

But since I hadn't received a formal invite I had not taken off work that day and his wedding was like 1.5 hours away or more.

I had already taken a few days off that month to be a contestant in a dance competition so I didn't want to try to force another one on really short notice.

So even though I said I would go, verbally, when I finished the the work day I found myself tired and unwilling to throw on a tux and drive 1.5 hours to enjoy the last hour or so of a reception.

Not pissy, just didn't feel obligated.

If I had gone I would have played it straight and acted appropriately with gift etc. Gift for me being money.

As a digression: I know some people think cash is gauche, but honestly, I find that as a single male just showing up showered and appropriately dressed has far exceeded most people's expectations, so they are forgiving of the gift.

Also, even though observers may find cash to be tacky or not thoughtful, I have yet to meet the person who has received a cash gift and exclaimed, "Damn it all, why did (insert your name here) have to give me money? How tacky. What am I supposed to do with this? Damn unfeeling of them."

So anyhow, when I get together with them later I will treat them both to a really nice dinner, quiz them and allow them to gush about the highlights of the wedding, show me pics, and make the appropriate noises.

I suppose I am still obligated to give them a gift with their dinner? Where is Emily Post when you need her.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by James

So anyhow, when I get together with them later I will treat them both to a really nice dinner, quiz them and allow them to gush about the highlights of the wedding, show me pics, and make the appropriate noises.

I suppose I am still obligated to give them a gift with their dinner? Where is Emily Post when you need her.

One is never "obligated" to give a gift. And in this circumstance, I would say treating them to dinner = a gift. But if you feel the need to have something in addition, I'd get a nice 5x7 or so picture frame for one of those pics they'll be showing you.

[aephi alum]

The plot thickens.

We're attending the engagement party tomorrow. We are sending them something from their registry. They registered for a lot of kitchenware (they registered at Williams-Sonoma among other places) so we got them a nice saucepan. (We're annoyed by the situation, but the groom is a friend, and we have no intention of stiffing him. Plus they wouldn't have invited us if they didn't want us there ... kinda like being invited to pref and being on the second bid list.)

We heard from my MIL earlier today. Apparently, she got a call from MOG, who got a call from her son whining that too many people had bought pots and pans from their registry, and what they really wanted was cash. (Translation: Give us a check - preferably a large one - as our wedding gift.) So ... um ... why register for a sh*tload of kitchenware, including a pasta machine and a pickle maker???

Yeah... they're getting another saucepan for the wedding.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

The plot thickens.

We're attending the engagement party tomorrow. We are sending them something from their registry. They registered for a lot of kitchenware (they registered at Williams-Sonoma among other places) so we got them a nice saucepan. (We're annoyed by the situation, but the groom is a friend, and we have no intention of stiffing him. Plus they wouldn't have invited us if they didn't want us there ... kinda like being invited to pref and being on the second bid list.)

We heard from my MIL earlier today. Apparently, she got a call from MOG, who got a call from her son whining that too many people had bought pots and pans from their registry, and what they really wanted was cash. (Translation: Give us a check - preferably a large one - as our wedding gift.) So ... um ... why register for a sh*tload of kitchenware, including a pasta machine and a pickle maker???

Yeah... they're getting another saucepan for the wedding.

1) Get them the saucepan, and don't feel guilty about it. They asked for it.

2) A pickle maker??