Received a blatant B-list invitation BY PHONE BY PROXY, what to do?

[James]

I agree with a composite of the viewpoints here. It sort of happened to me recently.

One of my friends verbally invited me like a year before his wedding. And then a few months before the wedding he asked for my mailing address to send a formal invitation.

I never got it.

Now. My friend is a bit of an idiot. Great guy to hang out with and have drinks with but still not always the most put together or competent person.

So I figured maybe he just procrastinated, which is fine but not my problem. Or maybe it was something more serious. Perhaps he over estimated the amount of people he could invite or had to trade off for some family member, or more likely so that the bride could invite more of her friends or family.

From my understanding of the calculus of wedding planning and relationships, it seems that the bride's friends may take some precedence over the groom's.

And maybe he felt embarrassed about the situation and didn't want to just tell me. That way after the wedding he could invent a polite fiction and I could politely assure him it wasn't a problem.

Then fast forward. A couple weeks before the wedding I get the phone call to go out for: The Evening of Debauchery and Colossal Shit Show that was his bachelor party.

At the bachelor party he wants to make sure I am coming to the wedding and says that the person who was in charge of sending out the invitations missed the last page of them. Which meant that a bunch of guests didn't get their invite. Obviously I was one of them.

Which might be true. Or maybe that was his way of covering his own lack of attention to detail. Or maybe the conflict resolved and he realized he could invite me after all.

But since I hadn't received a formal invite I had not taken off work that day and his wedding was like 1.5 hours away or more.

I had already taken a few days off that month to be a contestant in a dance competition so I didn't want to try to force another one on really short notice.

So even though I said I would go, verbally, when I finished the the work day I found myself tired and unwilling to throw on a tux and drive 1.5 hours to enjoy the last hour or so of a reception.

Not pissy, just didn't feel obligated.

If I had gone I would have played it straight and acted appropriately with gift etc. Gift for me being money.

As a digression: I know some people think cash is gauche, but honestly, I find that as a single male just showing up showered and appropriately dressed has far exceeded most people's expectations, so they are forgiving of the gift.

Also, even though observers may find cash to be tacky or not thoughtful, I have yet to meet the person who has received a cash gift and exclaimed, "Damn it all, why did (insert your name here) have to give me money? How tacky. What am I supposed to do with this? Damn unfeeling of them."

So anyhow, when I get together with them later I will treat them both to a really nice dinner, quiz them and allow them to gush about the highlights of the wedding, show me pics, and make the appropriate noises.

I suppose I am still obligated to give them a gift with their dinner? Where is Emily Post when you need her.