Are your dating standards too high or too low?

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Daemon, I really don't have a lot of standards. I do think one of the most important decisions I can make in life is choosing the right partner. I think choosing the right partner will contribute to my future happiness. We only live once, and the last thing I want is to be with a guy I have no chemistry with. Most women I know are still looking, content with the guy they have, or they wish they had a better one. I want a guy who will commit to me for the long haul. A guy that's loyal, and values it. I want a guy who is more of a listener than a talker, a guy who has a great sense of humor, a guy with ambition, and no he doesn't have to be rich or anything like that, but I want him to achieve his goals no matter what they are,(as long as it's legal) because if he achieves his goals and enjoys what he does, then I think that can contribute happiness to the relationship. I mean, who wants to be with someone who hates his/her job, wakes up grumpy and goes to bed grumpy?

No guy is perfect and I know I can't have everything I want, but the most important things are a must have.

The last guy I was with, wasn't very honest with me. Honesty is very important to me. His dishonesty made me feel isolated from him and I started to grow further and further away emotionally and physically. Guys like that fall short. The other guys I just dated, but most of them, I wasn't physically attracted to.

I can adjust some of the standards I have, but not very many. I do think sometimes we have to adjust some of the standards we have, because if we didn't I think most of us if not all of us would be lonely.

See...from what I read, that's not asking for a lot...or in some cases can be considered broad...but what I do like is that is that you show that you are open to compromise and not nit picky over small stuff in your assessment.

Honesty does mean a lot and to me it may be a small thing but that small thing goes a long long way.

Sometimes though, people just go too, dammit far....LOL

Alright people...here is a question.

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

See...from what I read, that's not asking for a lot...or in some cases can be considered broad

Why was that broad? Please explain.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

This is fine, for whatever that's worth - it's just that many many people who say this (and believe it) really aren't doing it for the right reasons; it's a defense mechanism, and part of the mechanism is buying into it wholeheartedly. So it's a fine edge to walk, but it's certainly possible.

Here's the thing with ridiculously high standards: do you use them as a "threshold" or as a measuring stick?

That is, it's clear most people don't meet the high standards in this thread - do they not meet these standards:

1. Right off the bat - that is, they are disqualified by some quality before you even start
2. After some time, experience or "getting to know you" period (like, after a few dates or interactions)?

The first is a threshold, and is generally a poor strategy - after all, we are all way worse at "reading people" or judging than we think. We overestimate our own abilities.

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Why was that broad? Please explain.

Ok...you have some people that when asked what are they looking for in a mate, they say the basics and not really go into detail, but it depends on the listener. Once the listener has an idea of what the basics are, they set out to achieve being successful at doing just enough without really going above and beyond...

For instance, and it may be trivial but you would be surprised, you say you want an honest guy. But honest about what exactly?

Some people can work on basics but what about details?

And let's face it...on the other side of the spectrum they may be too honest borderline blunt, or, you may know the whole storybook too soon because of that honesty.

And besides....how honest are both sides really willing to be?

That's where standards kick in. How much of yourself are you willing to give up to the other person and is it equitable to what they are also putting on the table?

My dating standards:

Someone who is honest
Financially stable
Independent
1 or no kids
Non smoker
Not a lot of emotional luggage
Can hold a good conversation

and those are some of my beginners.

take a wild guess at what are my non negotiables are and why....*wink*

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."


That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

You know that's a funny thing dealing with looks...they can chnage over time but at the same time we all tend to stick some 'non negotiables' out on the table...see the Aiming High thread for instance....

We all know what we like physically it's just that we know we would like for the mental to match the physical.

Doesn't help if she is fine but dumb like a box of rocks or have some really nasty habits.

I remember there was a young lady I dated (hehehe and when you are done, it's a wonder that one could still consider her a lady) who had a really bad belching habit...not burp.....BELCH...like a 300 pounder just drank a keg belch....well we went out to dinner once with some of my friends, let one out....and that was the last time I dealt with her....and some of my friends stil won't let me live that down... LOL

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

Then my posts do not pertain to you because you may not intentionally or unintentionally be setting standards that are unrealistically high and can not be met.

Some people actually do like being alone, which isn't the same thing as being lonely.

[cheerfulgreek]

Wow there's so many posts I want to repsond to. All of you make so much sense, but when you say honest about what? I'm talking about everything. This isn't rocket science. It's very simple. I just don't like to be lied to. Who does? How could I trust a guy who lies to me? I wouldn't disqualify a guy right off the bat. Of course I would like to get to know him 1st but if I see issues that an ex had that I totally couldn't deal with then I would rather not get involved with that particular guy.

DSTCHAOS, I agree with you. Some people do set their standards so high, that no one can meet them. As I said earlier, I am willing to change some of my standards, but not all of them. If I were to say I'm not changing any of my standards, then I might as will forget it, and stay by myself. To me it's not worth it. I love companionship, but only with the right guy. Daemon mentioned what he wants and that's fine. He mentioned one child or less. For me, it's 0 children. I don't want a guy with children, but that's my personal preference. I like the simple things in life, and I like guys who enjoy doing some of the same things I do. That's chemistry. I'm really outgoing, so if I was with a guy who also talked a lot, then how could he be a good listener? I think it's all about preference. That's what it all boils down to if you really want to break the whole relationship thing down. I think people make it so much harder than it actually is.

KSig, you leave Dr. Phil alone! I like Dr. Phil.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

I want to answer this. I've had unrealistic standards thrown at me, but they were standards that he wasn't attracted to. As far as I know of it had nothing to do with me as a person. I think sometimes if not most of the time, a great personality can out weigh the physical down falls, and that can be in the way a person carries themselves, the way that person dresses, or anything for that matter.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

My dating standards:

Someone who is honest
Financially stable
Independent
1 or no kids
Non smoker
Not a lot of emotional luggage
Can hold a good conversation

Pretty close to mine. Although, at my age, throw in that grown kids are ok too.
Also, they are open-minded, athletic and are not a penny-pincher

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

This should offend your sensibilities because you're allergic to idiots. Idiots should be avoided at all costs, REGARDLESS of anything else.

So it's good that you never told him you liked him because it's not a good idea to have idiot friends, in the first place, let alone try to date or marry one. However, you should've told him that he's an idiot and that you're considering no longer acknowledging his existence.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

What I said about the stilettos was that I don't find them attractive. You're right, it's wrong to judge anyone with the way he/she may dress, and when I 1st signed on to greekchat that was my thinking, but after chatting some of the members, I've come to realize that it's dead wrong to prejudge anyone based on their attire. Now, with that said, no I don't prejudge based on attire, but stilettos along with anklets, weaves, fake nails, fake contacts (hazel color, brown, blue, green, or whatever color it doesn't make me a difference one way or the other), fake eyelashes or anything else that's fake is a turn off to me. Fashionable or not. Does it make the woman a bad person? No it doesn't. It simply means I find it unattractive. We all have a preference with who or what we're attracted to, that just happens to be mine.

About the joker who said he wouldn't marry a black woman is shallow and ignorant. To me, a woman is a woman, I don't care about the race. As long as I'm physically attracted to her, and she respects herself and me.

[Scandia]

DSTChaos- well, I can assure you that in my case, it has NOT happened again. Everyone else since then has been good or at least decent. None of them may have been the one for me, but I cannot think of any of them that had anything horrendously and pathologically wrong with them.

Most unrealistically high standard- some of the stuff I have read on magazines that have made people lose interest. Such as "he wore white socks with black pants and black loafers". Or "he has to make a six figure income".

Regarding my standards:

- respectful and kind (ie- NOT being abusive)
- faithful (ie- NOT being adulterous)
- financially responsible
- intelligent and ambitious (and has at least some sort of post-secondary education)
- has interests in common with me, as well as some individual ones
- shares my moral and spiritual values
- healthy and has good hygiene and dresses well
- belongs to an ethnic group that I feel comfortable with and attracted to (PLEASE do not flame me for this one)
- is creative and imaginative

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by Scandia

DSTChaos- well, I can assure you that in my case, it has NOT happened again. Everyone else since then has been good or at least decent. None of them may have been the one for me, but I cannot think of any of them that had anything horrendously and pathologically wrong with them.

It's good that you learned from your experience(s).