American Torry-Ann Hansen SENDS BACK Adopted Russian Son Artem

[BabyPiNK_FL]

Originally Posted by carnation

I finally called a worker I'd gotten to know and asked what it was about us that was causing us not to be chosen. He said, and I still can't believe this: "Some of the workers are concerned that your kids have been too successful in academics and activities and they wonder if you'd resent adoptive children who might not be able to match that."

We should know in 3 days if we were successful this time. Please pray for us, everybody.

FAIL on the first portion. I can't believe some of the excuses people try to get by on. Perhaps they should commend you for the standard of excellence you maintain in your home and the encouragement you provide for your children instead? No?

Second portion: GOOD LUCK! FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

And they have waited, and waited, and waited and waited for their profile to be chosen by some mom giving up her baby or young child.

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

[RaggedyAnn]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

One of the reasons we decided to wait on trying to adopt is that open adoptions are very popular right now...right down to the fact that some mothers want to have the ability to call the house if they are having a bad day. When Andy and I heard that, we decided that we may not be ready for the adoption route yet. Adoption through fostering may still be an option for us, but we haven't decided yet because that brings a whole set of risks with it.

[carnation]

They do exist; it depends on the agency and some of them give the birthparents a choice of open, semi-open, or closed. I've seen prospective adoptive parent profiles that omit their names and other identifying information. Also, not all agencies allow the birthparents to look through profiles.

We've known 2 of our birthmothers. The one here in town knew of us ahead of time and she and her kids moved away when the baby was a year old. We've been in touch with one of our overseas birthmothers since our daughter was born, exchanging yearly letters, and this year a couple of her children friended us on Facebook.

Originally Posted by 33girl

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

Thank you, BabyPink; we do appreciate your support! I also suggested to the worker that we could have our kids run out and knock over a few banks and then might we be able to adopt again?

[AOII Angel]

Carnation,
Best of luck with your next adoption. I think (even as a proud non-parent) that the key to parenting is realizing that every child is different. I get the impression that you and your husband would not be disappointed if your next child was not able to achieve as much as your other children in the world of academics. We all have our own gifts, even if they aren't all academic.

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

While I totally agree with what 33girl said, there is also an ugly other side. There is also a big backlash against white couples adopting black children. Many AA feel that white parents will rob them of their black heritage, of course, I see their point, but at what cost will preserving their heritage rob them of a family?

The thing is people seem to forget that there are many Black families out there that wish to adopt.

And also, while agencies will often let white couples adopt Black children, it is rare that they allow Black families to adopt White children.
I personally don't much care for white couples adopting Black children because I do feel that there are culture issues. But I feel that way in general. Prime example was one of my former students who was Navajo. She was adopted by a white woman when she was 3. She is now 19 and she knows absolutely NOTHING about Navajo traditions and culture. NOTHING. It broke my heart to see that because I felt that while she got a good home, she was still being robbed of the opportunity to explore her heritage. Her mother's excuse was that she didn't know anything about the Navajo culture and so she figured that the child would just be okay without knowing it.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

I personally don't much care for white couples adopting Black children because I do feel that there are culture issues. But I feel that way in general. Prime example was one of my former students who was Navajo. She was adopted by a white woman when she was 3. She is now 19 and she knows absolutely NOTHING about Navajo traditions and culture. NOTHING. It broke my heart to see that because I felt that while she got a good home, she was still being robbed of the opportunity to explore her heritage. Her mother's excuse was that she didn't know anything about the Navajo culture and so she figured that the child would just be okay without knowing it.

I would think a 19 year old could investigate the Navajo (or any other) culture on her own, if she so wanted to. So could a 12 year old with a computer, for that matter. She was hardly "robbed" of something she can go out and get. It's not the same as growing up with it, but growing up with it through books isn't the same either. What was the mother supposed to do? Send her to a reservation for the summer?

Like carnation said, sometimes the kids just flat out do not care. I was tested and found to be "gifted" and my mother often said that she worried that she hadn't exposed me to classical music, opera, "higher" culture, etc...the fact of the matter was, the few times they dragged the gifted class to things like that, we would have rather gone shopping or something.

Should you try to teach the kids about it? Yes, but there also comes a time where you need to stop blaming your parents (bio or adopted) and do what you need to do on your own.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

The thing is people seem to forget that there are many Black families out there that wish to adopt.

And also, while agencies will often let white couples adopt Black children, it is rare that they allow Black families to adopt White children.
I personally don't much care for white couples adopting Black children because I do feel that there are culture issues. But I feel that way in general. Prime example was one of my former students who was Navajo. She was adopted by a white woman when she was 3. She is now 19 and she knows absolutely NOTHING about Navajo traditions and culture. NOTHING. It broke my heart to see that because I felt that while she got a good home, she was still being robbed of the opportunity to explore her heritage. Her mother's excuse was that she didn't know anything about the Navajo culture and so she figured that the child would just be okay without knowing it.

In many ways I agree with you, IF there is a choice between an equally qualified black and white couple, the black child should go to the black couple. If there is a plethora of black families looking to adopt black children, then why are there so many older black children looking for homes? Or is it that no one wants an older child no matter what color? Is being raised in a white family with no inkling of black heritage (which is easier for the average white persona to bumble through than Navejo culture, BTW...also, might I add that many Navejo have lost their culture while living in their own reservations!) than to be raised in a system of foster homes?

I have a really good friend who is Vietnamese and was raised along with her adopted brother, who is mixed white/black, by a white family. She has NO Vietnamese culture and no interest. She is highly educated, and if you try to tell her that she should have an interest, she would tell you that it's not your business. Her Vietnamese parents gave her up for adoption. Her white parents gave her a life. She isn't without her problems (not because of her lack of Vietnamese culture but because of other family issues that would be there if she had been their natural child.)

The sad thing about Russia is that THEY don't want to adopt those children. Less than 300 children are adopted within the country each year! That is pitiful. If American adoptions stop, all these children will just stay in horrible orphanages for longer periods of time.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

The thing is people seem to forget that there are many Black families out there that wish to adopt.

I haven't read any articles about an influx in family adoptions or anything to indicate an increase. There are articles regarding black women who are single, not anticipating marriage and are seeking to adopt or do IVF or what have you.

(NOT saying news articles are the end all be all of life, but just that I haven't run across any indication of this information media-wise or otherwise).

While I'm sure they exist, my black family doesn't personally know any black families adopting either. Do you have any personal experiences you could share as to help clarify?

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I would think a 19 year old could investigate the Navajo (or any other) culture on her own, if she so wanted to. So could a 12 year old with a computer, for that matter. She was hardly "robbed" of something she can go out and get. It's not the same as growing up with it, but growing up with it through books isn't the same either. What was the mother supposed to do? Send her to a reservation for the summer?

Like carnation said, sometimes the kids just flat out do not care. I was tested and found to be "gifted" and my mother often said that she worried that she hadn't exposed me to classical music, opera, "higher" culture, etc...the fact of the matter was, the few times they dragged the gifted class to things like that, we would have rather gone shopping or something.

Should you try to teach the kids about it? Yes, but there also comes a time where you need to stop blaming your parents (bio or adopted) and do what you need to do on your own.

Wow. Really? are you serious? There's so much that woman could have done. She just didn't care enough to do it because she felt that she had done her duty simply by adopting the child. smh

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

The sad thing about Russia is that THEY don't want to adopt those children. Less than 300 children are adopted within the country each year! That is pitiful. If American adoptions stop, all these children will just stay in horrible orphanages for longer periods of time.

I just truly wonder if it really is a matter of them not WANTING to adopt those children. From what I have learned, many of these countries are so interested in getting lots of American money into their system, that they won't ALLOW people in these countries to adopt. Instead they set up adoptions with American families.

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by BabyPiNK_FL

I haven't read any articles about an influx in family adoptions or anything to indicate an increase. There are articles regarding black women who are single, not anticipating marriage and are seeking to adopt or do IVF or what have you.

(NOT saying news articles are the end all be all of life, but just that I haven't run across any indication of this information media-wise or otherwise).

While I'm sure they exist, my black family doesn't personally know any black families adopting either. Do you have any personal experiences you could share as to help clarify?

I never said there was an increase, but there are Blacks who want to adopt older children as well as babies.

Believe it or not I know 3 families right now that have been struggling with the adoption process for years.

Family 1: the father is a dentist with 3 lucrative practices. His wife is a SAHM. They have two children ages 5 and 8. They want to adopt a child around the age of their own children. They have been getting the run around now for well over a year.

Family 2: The father is a school principal. His wife is a teacher. They have one daughter age 13. They want to adopt a child age 5 or older. They have been dealing with the adoption system for two years now.

Family 3: not technically a family in the traditional sense, but a single woman who currently has a lucrative family law practice here in town. She does not want to get married but she wants the opportunity to give a child a good home. She is looking to adopt a child 7 or older. She has been involved in this process for 6 months.

All of the cases above are situations where there are stable people who can afford to give a child a good life and who are looking for an older child. But they all feel that race is playing a big part in the problem. Especially since they know white couples who did not have to wait nearly as long to adopt a child.

And through my exposure with the clinics we offer at school, we have many people coming in for advice about how to have more success in going through the adoption process. All of them are Black.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

I just truly wonder if it really is a matter of them not WANTING to adopt those children. From what I have learned, many of these countries are so interested in getting lots of American money into their system, that they won't ALLOW people in these countries to adopt. Instead they set up adoptions with American families.

I heard a recent report on NPR about this issue. There is a big issue in Russia that people will not take in other people's children. They won't even do it for members of their own family. The 300 children adopted last year were due to a huge campaign to encourage adoption within the country since they are concerned that their population is aging, and they are sending a large proportion of their young to America as unwanted orphans. There has been a lot of backlash against American adoptions over the past few years with Russia calling for the US to guarantee that the US will uphold their adoption laws which the US has refused to do.

[carnation]

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Fetal Alcohol Effect are enormous problems in Russia. You can't always detect them at birth. We know a local doctor who adopted a baby that one of his patients had and the child was later diagnosed with FAE. In the meantime, he was kicked out of the school where my husband taught and came close to it in a school where I taught. He was a bizarre, disturbed child but it didn't show up until he was about 5. Anyway, Russians are well aware that many of their babies are born with this and who would blame them for being scared to adopt? Not to mention that so many Russian are desperately poor...

Our social worker is black. He said he doesn't have any black families who want to adopt and he wishes he did. I know there are some out there because there were at least 3 black couples in our IMPACT group but they were from out of town so I have no idea how their search has gone.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by carnation

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Fetal Alcohol Effect are enormous problems in Russia. You can't always detect them at birth. We know a local doctor who adopted a baby that one of his patients had and the child was later diagnosed with FAE. In the meantime, he was kicked out of the school where my husband taught and came close to it in a school where I taught. He was a bizarre, disturbed child but it didn't show up until he was about 5. Anyway, Russians are well aware that many of their babies are born with this and who would blame them for being scared to adopt? Not to mention that so many Russian are desperately poor...

Our social worker is black. He said he doesn't have any black families who want to adopt and he wishes he did. I know there are some out there because there were at least 3 black couples in our IMPACT group but they were from out of town so I have no idea how their search has gone.

I think that there will always be a little mystery when taking a baby home whether it's your natural child or adopted. What gets me is this crazy lady from TN! What did she think she was going to get when she adopted a 7 year old orphan from Russia?! There was a 0% chance this kid was going to be a normal, well adjusted child. Hell, there is a 0% chance a 7 year old orphan in the US is a normal, well adjusted child. Whether they told her he was normal or not, she is either stupid or Pollyanna to think he wouldn't be a holy terror!