Joint account or separate account

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by CutiePie2000

^^^^^
This. Sister #2 went through a nasty divorce and I come from the "Cover Your A$$ School of Philoshophy".

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

[AOII Angel]

I think money is the number one reason couples argue, so if covering your ass makes you feel more comfortable about money so you don't feel the need to fight all the time about money, this may be the best way to preserve your marriage/relationship. Not everyone views marriage or money the same. It can be very difficult. I have friends who fight over money all the time because the husband makes more than the wife because she stays home part time with their child. He's controlling with the money and criticizes her for buying stuff they don't need but is fine going out and spending extravagantly for himself. This even applies if she's spending "her" money. If couples can find a happy medium, then that's great...no matter what motivation gets them there.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

That is one aspect of it, in addition to the "trial marriages" that people are doing now to see how long their marriages last. However, since life is more complex than the A + B = C explanation for things:

Being financially prepared in the event of marital failure is nothing new. For generations, women who were able to do so were encouraged to be financially prepared for whatever life brings. Back in the day that often meant keeping money in the cookie jar or in your bra. There were cultural, social class, and racial and ethnic implications for this because many communities were accustomed to men being unavailable either due to employment or "spread your seeds and multiply mentality."

I hope more women do not revert back to the days where patriarchal rules told women to put their everything into their spouses and children. If that's what some women want for their lives, FINE. But that isn't hardly "the rule" and it definitely isn't the recipe for a happy life and a successful marriage. Some people have a happy life and a successful marriage that way; and some people have a happy life and a successful marriage the other way. It is also important to note that encouraging women, in particular, to not have a safety net is correlated with domestic violence, depression and suicide, and prescription and illicit drug use for women who felt trapped in unions and marriages.

So, yeah, cover your ass women. Men have covered their ass across societies for generations. Children need people to give them permission and resources for everysinglething they say and do. Adults do not. And that includes stay-at-home husbands and wives who eventually aspire toward finding their own identity (and resources) outside of their spouses and children.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I hope more women do not revert back to the days where patriarchal rules told women to put their everything into their spouses and children. If that's what some women want for their lives, FINE. But that isn't hardly "the rule" and it definitely isn't the recipe for a happy life and a successful marriage. Some people have a happy life and a successful marriage that way; and some people have a happy life and a successful marriage the other way. It is also important to note that encouraging women, in particular, to not have a safety net is correlated with domestic violence, depression and suicide, and prescription and illicit drug use for women who felt trapped in unions and marriages.

So, yeah, cover your ass women. Men have covered their ass across societies for generations. Children need people to give them permission and resources for everysinglething they say and do. Adults do not. And that includes stay-at-home husbands and wives who eventually aspire toward finding their own identity (and resources) outside of their spouses and children.

Stop it. You're taking all my feelings and writing them better than me. Stop doing that.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by agzg

Stop it. You're taking all my feelings and writing them better than me. Stop doing that.

I have always been a quick typer. My apologies.

You also caught me mid-edit.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I have always been a quick typer. My apologies.

You also caught me mid-edit.

Fixed.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I think money is the number one reason couples argue, so if covering your ass makes you feel more comfortable about money so you don't feel the need to fight all the time about money, this may be the best way to preserve your marriage/relationship. Not everyone views marriage or money the same. It can be very difficult. I have friends who fight over money all the time because the husband makes more than the wife because she stays home part time with their child. He's controlling with the money and criticizes her for buying stuff they don't need but is fine going out and spending extravagantly for himself. This even applies if she's spending "her" money. If couples can find a happy medium, then that's great...no matter what motivation gets them there.

If you're that far apart on money, IMO you shouldn't get married in the first place. It's SO much heavier than people realize. Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship. Maybe you're not fighting-fighting, but you're still feeling the disapproval of the other person.

(Thanks heaven that I learned this lesson in my very first serious relationship.)

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship.

I agree. That is why people need to communicate prior to establishing a union; and throughout the union to make sure there is still an understanding and agreement.

I believe that MY money still has guidelines not only for myself but for the sanity and sanctity of my union. That is what my second post in this thread addressed.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

I agree w/ the sentiment behind your post. Married couples tend to argue about the trees rather than the larger philosophical forest. Rather than the money, it's usually differing (more than likely previously undiscussed) philosophies on need vs. want spending.

Of course the thread's answer is basically whatever works for the couple, but I've never been in favor of "mine vs. hers." Joint account, then individual needs are met, according to the couple's agreed upon limits about how much you're trying to save.

As to separate "rainy day" funds, let's complete the circle. I've heard lots of women say their grandmothers told them to keep one and keep konwledge of it private. Cool, but then could you, or grandma say a word if you found out hubby was doing the same thing? IMO, it's just another breeding ground for distrust. If I can't trust you, then I don't need to be married to you.

What, we can share our bodies and all that entails, but my dough gotta be separate?

[Cen1aur 1963]

Originally Posted by BluPhire

Whatever you are comfortable with. There is no right answer. Joint works for some marriages, separate works for others. That's one of those dealbreakers that needs to be discussed before saying I do.

This is pretty much what it is.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Both.

Joint accounts for joint expenses. Separate accounts for separate expenses.

I like the idea of having two accounts, but I'd rather "divy up" the whole thing. She has her account and I have mine. I also believe in splitting up the bills. I pay half of the bills and she pays the other half. I could see later opening up a savings if we had kids, but I'd rather do two separate accounts because bills and other expenses can be handled that way, too.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

All our money goes in the same pot, but all our accounts are in my name. Husband is stereotypical Latino that doesn't like banks. He's got a credit card, but prefers to use cash for everything anyway.

Our finances work just fine because he feels like I make more, so I should be able to spend more, and I just consider it all "our money". This will get interesting when I'm in school and have ZERO income for 9 months. At least our living expense money is coming from the equity in the house which is in my name, so I'll feel like I'm contributing...maybe?

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Joint only -two accounts, a savings and a checking, but both accounts will be joint accounts.

Premarital counseling is important, but I just think that it’s much more to it than that. A lot of couples do seek counsel, but the bottom line -a lot will depend on aligning with the right partner in the right way at the right time if it’s going to work. I just think it’s important choosing someone who is like me, yet different –being the same in his inner core but different in function. Temperaments and occupations can be different, but our values need to be as similar as possible. Opposites attract, but in most cases, they cannot maintain a long-term connection because they are not really compatible, even if they seem to agree on things when meeting with a counselor. In order for that marriage to be secure, whether you choose a joint account or individual accounts, you (in general) and your partner must operate from the same platform. You can find that out simply by letting time do its work, because the personality that was hidden from you before eventually comes to the forefront. I’d rather wait to see those things before I even make it to premarital counseling. But that’s just me.

As I was reading about this topic, I found all the comments to be interesting, but they all were saying the same thing except you two. I think these comments were cool back in the day and worked for people back then, but the world is different now. Both women and men are working, and more women are doing better than men financially now, so I think it's natural for both men and women to have their own just incase. It doesn't mean they don't trust each other, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to fail, it's just a safety net because like the saying goes "shit happens" LOL. I laughing but it's true.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

You're still two individual people so you might go in thinking "I'm not going to bail" but how do you know he isn't going to do in with that attitude? Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure. I see what you and Cheerful Greek are saying, but we don't live in that kind of society anymore. If that's working for y'all then I'm all for you doing what works for you, I just don't see that as covering yourself very well.

[DrPhil]

For the record, no one in this thread said anything about secret accounts and secret funds.

No one in this thread said anything they typed is based on a hostile financial situation or a lack of communication with their significant other.

Since even sharing your body has a constructed meaning, sharing everything else with your significant other has a constructed meaning.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

As I was reading about this topic, I found all the comments to be interesting, but they all were saying the same thing except you two. I think these comments were cool back in the day and worked for people back then, but the world is different now. Both women and men are working, and more women are doing better than men financially now, so I think it's natural for both men and women to have their own just incase. It doesn't mean they don't trust each other, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to fail, it's just a safety net because like the saying goes "shit happens" LOL. I laughing but it's true.


You're still two individual people so you might go in thinking "I'm not going to bail" but how do you know he isn't going to do in with that attitude? Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure. I see what you and Cheerful Greek are saying, but we don't live in that kind of society anymore. If that's working for y'all then I'm all for you doing what works for you, I just don't see that as covering yourself very well.

See previous post where everything is in my name, except one credit card.

Seriously, I'll admit I might feel different if my name wasn't on everything, but I'll also say that if my husband ever changed his mind, I would haul him down to the bank the next day and put his name on everything.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure.

Prenups and day to day accounts are two VERY different issues. If I was living at the family farm that had been in our family since the War of 1812, no matter how much I trusted and loved the guy, I would get a prenup just to keep family peace.

Day to day and how you handle it is all about you two. Prenups are often not.

[DrPhil]

Prenups and day to day accounts are not that different for many people. Prenups are another way of preserving personal assets just as with having a separate account or separate investments. Preserving personal assets covers any change in the relationship.

I hate using celebrities as an example but Jay-Z and Beyonce's prenup allegedly includes millions for when she takes a break from performing and has children. He is essentially paying her for having children since she cannot pay herself as she is accustomed to (regardless of whether that money is typically deposited into her separate account or a joint account).

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I hate using celebrities as an example but Jay-Z and Beyonce's prenup allegedly includes millions for when she takes a break from performing and has children. He is essentially paying her for having children since she cannot pay herself as she is accustomed to (regardless of whether that money is typically deposited into her separate account or a joint account).

I'm sure Beyonce stans will go out of their minds, baby bump or not lol

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/167...aby-bump.jhtml

/onlycontribution