What defines a helicopter parent?

[srmom]

Like I said - I'm in a rotten mood - y'all's posts are really all constructive and I just reacted to the title of the thread and not the content of the posts. Mea Culpa and carry on. BTW, I agree with this:

(1) the mom or dad who comes to GC with questions to better understand how rush/recruitment works, what's involved, how it's changed since they were in school, etc., so that they have a good point of reference when talking with their children and can be a good parental sounding board if asked and if appropriate; and

(2) the mom or dad who are running the show for the kids and don't wait to be asked or worry about whether they're keeping the kids from making their own decisions and their own mistakes.
The former parents know when to say "you've got to figure this out/take care of this yourself." The latter don't.

At the same time, there are some kids like Dionysus who recognize that their parents are overprotective (but still love them) and live their lives on their own, and there are others who get bullied by over bearing parents and let it happen.

This is an age old story - think of all the characters in history who have been led down the wrong (or right) path by overbearing parents - heck, Shakespeare plays are full of them! And that was way before cell phones

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

I don't know if my mom would be considered a helicopter mom, but she was a very controlling mother. She didn't do stuff for me. She made me do it myself. But she had her ideas about how I should live my life, and it was like "This is the college you're going to. This is what you're going to major in." As for joining a sorority, my mom didn't get why I was getting involved in student orgs. She's the stereotypical Chinese mom. She didn't understand why networking and developing leadership skills and learning to work in group setting were important. She would get mad that I wasn't spending all my time studying in library.

She kinda acted like she owned us because she gave birth to us. My freshman year of college, my mom was waitressing at a Korean/Japanese restaurant. The owner asked her if I would be available to help bus tables on New Year's Eve. My mom didn't even ask me if it was ok with me. She told the owner "Oh yeah, she'll do it. I'll make her". I was pissed when she told me. I would have been fine with it if she had asked me first. She, of course, got angry that I was "giving her attitude and being a spoiled brat".

I eventually had to cut her out of my life, for my own sanity. She constantly belittled and invalidated my feelings. When at 19 I told her that I was depressed and suicidal and had been since I was 12, she told me that I was ungrateful for everything she gave me and all the sacrifices she made for me. She told me that I had no right to feel what I felt because I hadn't had the rough childhood she had. She told me that it was because I had too much time on my hands...that if I had to work three jobs like her, I wouldn't have time to think my stupid thoughts. Then she told me that if I really felt my life was so awful, maybe I should just go kill myself. And the bullshit thing was that I had always been there for her. Growing up, I had been her confidante. She would tell me how I was her best friend. And looking back, I think it was unfair of her to be confiding in me about how her marriage was falling apart when I was 14. But I was there for her. I was a good listener. I was a shoulder to cry on. And so it hurt so much that she reacted the way she did and that she wasn't there for me when I had been there for her. And it was so painful to see her being there for her boyfriend and being supportive when he was feeling depressed.

She lives less than 20 miles away from me. I haven't seen or talked to her in more than four years, and I have absolutely no desire to do so ever again.

Sorry for all the rambling and ranting, but I do have a point. For me, I woud define a helicopter mom as someone who wants to have control over every aspect of her child's life and who behaves like what she wants for her kids supercedes what her kids want for their own lives and who acts like her kids are just an extension of herself rather than their own separate persons. I feel like they hold on so tight because they're trying to keep their kids. However, all it's going to do is either hamper your child for life or cause you to lose them forever when they finally get the balls to get out of that bad situation.

[srmom]

SOPi that is just tragic! I'd give you a hug if I could. I wouldn't call what happened to you as "helicoptering" that seems more like emotional child abuse

I hope you have gained strength and wisdom from your experiences and that you will not let them burden you, but use them to help you go on to live the happiest of lives.

[kddani]

Washington Post chat on how not to be a helicopter parent: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...080502165.html

[cuteASAbug]

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents. They are comfortable with the idea of having their mothers do everything for them and don't want it to change. I had a roommate in college whose mother would drive up once a week to visit to do her laundry and cook her dinner. She would also call her mother and ask her to call her professors to get them to change her grades or to call the housing office and complain when she had problems with another roommate. At our convention last month, someone was discussing statistics and helicopter parents, and said that the majority of incoming college freshmen feel that their parents aren't being involved enough in their lives and want them to be more active. This sort of scares me.

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents.

I totally agree with you -- I certainly could have controlled my mother had she dared to embarass me this way!

[Tom Earp]

So, would todays Moms be more over bearing\protective today than say 30-40 years ago?

Is technology really the reason?

Or maybe some of the Moms are trying living a life that they did not have.

[cuteASAbug]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

So, would todays Moms be more over bearing\protective today than say 30-40 years ago?

Is technology really the reason?

Or maybe some of the Moms are trying living a life that they did not have.

I definitely think that technology plays a large role in this. 30-40 years ago when you went to college out of state, long distance calls were limited and expensive so you had to learn how to fend for yourself.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents. They are comfortable with the idea of having their mothers do everything for them and don't want it to change. I had a roommate in college whose mother would drive up once a week to visit to do her laundry and cook her dinner.

This reminds me of my college roommate. Her mom only came down at the beginning and end of semesters, but her mom did baby her when she was home by cooking for her and doing her laundry. So senior year, she's living in an apartment and not a dorm, and she didn't know that jarred pasta sauce needed to be put in the refridgerator after opening. She had been keeping her opened jar of pasta sauce in the cupboard. She also must've thought that dishes magically did themselves, because she never washed dishes or silverware all year.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I definitely think that technology plays a large role in this. 30-40 years ago when you went to college out of state, long distance calls were limited and expensive so you had to learn how to fend for yourself.

LOL. Long distance calls weren't that "limited" 30 or 40 years ago. Even if more expensive than now, they were pretty easy to make -- people did it all the time. (I'm not even sure they were more expensive than now -- back then, we didn't have cell-phone service to pay for.)

What's different is that if you weren't where the phone was, no call. Cellphones make constant helicoptering easier, but they're not the reason for it.

As for going to college out of state, 30 or 40 years ago, most heli-parents wouldn't have allowed that -- the kid would likely be within a 2-hour drive.

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by srmom

yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are)

That sounds like my two sons.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

At our convention last month, someone was discussing statistics and helicopter parents, and said that the majority of incoming college freshmen feel that their parents aren't being involved enough in their lives and want them to be more active. This sort of scares me.

I always felt I didn't do enough "healthy rebelling" when I was a teenager (probably because I was an only child and you're so dependent on your parents' approval). But some of these kids today baffle me. It's one of two extremes - either they're doing everything behind their parents' backs, or nothing. It reminds me of the part in "Say Anything" where Ione Skye told her dad she lost her virginity - I can't even watch it, I get so squicked out.

Originally Posted by SOPi_Jawbreaker

This reminds me of my college roommate. Her mom only came down at the beginning and end of semesters, but her mom did baby her when she was home by cooking for her and doing her laundry. So senior year, she's living in an apartment and not a dorm, and she didn't know that jarred pasta sauce needed to be put in the refridgerator after opening. She had been keeping her opened jar of pasta sauce in the cupboard. She also must've thought that dishes magically did themselves, because she never washed dishes or silverware all year.

As far as that goes, there are people who've been raised with maids, etc that probably would be the same way.

I don't know, I think there's a difference between doing laundry, cooking etc for your kids - babying them - and being a helicopter parent. Cooking your kid a meal is one thing, calling your kid when they're at the mall and asking where they're going to eat/telling them where to eat is another.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I don't know, I think there's a difference between doing laundry, cooking etc for your kids - babying them - and being a helicopter parent. Cooking your kid a meal is one thing, calling your kid when they're at the mall and asking where they're going to eat/telling them where to eat is another.

Exactly.

And this also gets to SWTX's original question as to where do we draw the line.

[alum]

The first time I heard the phrase helicopter parent was on a news segment. They profiled a woman who came down once a week to her son's campus and did his laundry, cleaned his room and made dinners for a week so that he wouldn't starve until the next visit. That seems a bit excessive.

The mothers on GC who have come looking for support or even just answers haven't particularly struck me as overbearing. Now some of them did get hostile to our younger GCers when they thought they were being insulted and that was wrong of them for being rude. However, these mothers making an idle threat to drop alumna support to their GLO is not an unusual reaction. I know plenty parents of college applicants who will stop financially supporting their alma maters because their kiddos didn't get accepted.
---
In terms of the majority of the mothers who are upset, most of them are from the south. You've read it from both male and female members that certain towns seem to go XYZ or AAA at certain schools. I personally can't relate going down for Bid Day but no one in my family attended college in the Deep South. The mothers visiting to share in the excitement or to present a consoling hug is hardly a new phenomenon at some of those big Southern schools. If that had been a tradition at my daughter's school, I would have been there in a heartbeat. For that matter even if it wasn't a tradition but she had had an unsuccessful recruitment for whatever reason and she wanted me there, I would have also visited.

The southern girls in my undergraduate chapter told us, but I really didn't understand how much Greek Life permeated certain segments of Southern life much more deeply than in the north until I actually lived in the South. From seeing the marriage notices including Greek affiliation to outright questions of what you pledged (the assumption being that you were a member of a NPC group if you went to college), it was an eye-awakening experience.

[Kevlar281]

The fraternity side of helicopter moms...

The year I did Journey of Hope there was a kid on the South Team whose parents decided to tag along for about a week and a half. Basically they followed the route and would make arrangements to stay in whatever town we happened to be lodging in. Now keep in mind it is completely normal for parents to visit during the trip for one or two days. But this usually happens about a month into the trip when the team member is traveling through their home state. I barely saw the Dad I’m not sure what he was doing to fill his days but the Mom made her presence known. She would fix her son’s plate at lunch, fill his water bottle etc. She even bought the team extra food because she didn’t think we were eating enough. (That was actually nice)

So some time went by and the heli-parents went home. He was finally on his own. We were in Nevada for two days staying in a High School gymnasium when he finally decided to say more then two words to me.

Heli-Kid: Hey are you going on a laundry run?
Me: Yeah were all meeting by the payphones out front in twenty minutes.
Heli-Kid: Oh Ok.

So twenty minutes comes and goes; everyone meets by the payphones, Heli-Kid is a no show. We have to clown car the van so I don’t even think twice about leaving him behind. About an hour later as I’m waiting for my clothes to dry my cell phone rings…

Me: Hello
Heli-Kid: Hey it’s me Heli-Kid
Me: Oh hey man what’s up?
Heli-Kid: Have yall left for the laundry mat yet?
Me: Yeah were just finishing up now.
Heli-Kid: Why didn’t you wake me up so I could go?
Me: I’m not your mom.
--click--

/edit: So I’m not sure if my story actually fits in this thread but I always think about that kid when the issue of helicopter parents comes up. I guess I’ve never had to deal with a helicopter parent directly; just the products of their parenting.