When "the one" doesn't think YOU are "the one"

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by Bluetiful

That's ok DSTChaos. It is GC after all. I'm still interested in what everyone has to say, even if it may not adress my original post. In a way, it's all related. For example, I liked reading AKA_Monet's posts/views on marriage and SoCalGirl's opinion about gender communication etc. etc.

I knew there was a reason that this thread reminded me of Pink's breakup with her hubby. Your op used her description of the break up almost word for word. Yeah I think your post was actually addressed along with related topics like the importance of marriage and communication problems.

When I read the Pink article, I thought "what's the point of giving up so easily?" But that's what works for them for right now. It seems that they both agreed that now isn't a good time for them to be together--maybe later. That may be slightly less hurtful than someone who you think is THE ONE coming to you and saying you're not his THE ONE.

[OhSoVeryLadylike]

Someone above asked how can you be together and the other person think you aren't "the one"? Simple they are enjoying the relationship. It's a good one. I've learned that while it may appear to be a waste of time, but relationships can be good and not automatically be meant for marriage...

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by Bluetiful

What happened? Where did you find yourself months/years later after "the one" told you that you were not "the one" for him/her? Did you ever find someone else who thought you were "the one?" Does anyone have a happy ending to share- yours or anyone else's?

I have a happy ending I dont know if it's quite the kind of story you were looking for though.

I met Jonny in May 2000 while we were both stationed on the USS Rainier in Bremerton WA.We started dating, and long story short...timing and circumstances were just all wrong. We'd been together a little over 6 months (I told you didnt think it was QUITE the kind story you were asking for) We broke up not on the best of terms - lot of things were left unsaid, unfinished. He left the boat toward the end of 2001 to go to his next duty station, and we went our separate ways.

I was 19 when I met him, and even to this day, knowing how stupid and silly I was at 19, I was crazy about him. I had convinced myself that we WERE supposed to be together, but I also had enough common sense to know that I was young, and I could have been wrong. I told him when we broke up that he was going to miss me.

Fast forward to October 2004. I'm out of the service, living close to campus, doing the school and sorority thing, and my mother calls. She says there is a message for me on the answering machine at home from "A Jonny from the navy." So, I wrote down his number and contemplated calling him. 4 years had healed some wounds, I certainly hadn't waited around on him. Luck would have it that I wasnt involved seriously with anyone at the time. So...I called him back, we did the "how are you, what have you been up to, blah blah blah" phone calls and had 3-4 hour conversations for the next 2 weeks. He was living in Virginia, on another ship, he was still active duty in the navy.

So, we made plans for him to come visit me that weekend, and from there...things *just* happened. We maintained a LDR for almost 3 years...and during that time, suffered a 7 month deployment overseas. He moved to GA permanently upon separating from the navy in August 2007, and we were married in October.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by OhSoVeryLadylike

Someone above asked how can you be together and the other person think you aren't "the one"? Simple they are enjoying the relationship. It's a good one. I've learned that while it may appear to be a waste of time, but relationships can be good and not automatically be meant for marriage...

Automatically or ever.

That's why communication is important. If people are just having fun together, just have fun together with a clear understanding that it may not lead to something longterm or marriage. It is when people are doing one thing but saying another that there becomes a problem. And many people do one thing and say another or they are hoping the person/situation will change to become what they want.

Personally, I don't do longterm, committed relationships just for "fun." Sure, we have fun together but if he's not "the one" then I have better things to do with my time and emotion. I find happiness, fun, and enjoyment in "the one" with the understanding that future-oriented relationships aren't all fun and games.

[DivineDiva47]

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

[AKA_Monet]

I forgot to add:

A horse doesn't miss his water until his well runs dry... And you can lead a horse to water but you cain't make him drink...

I just saw a "Happy Bunny" comment, but I am unable to find it now.

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Personally, I don't do longterm, committed relationships just for "fun." Sure, we have fun together but if he's not "the one" then I have better things to do with my time and emotion. I find happiness, fun, and enjoyment in "the one" with the understanding that future-oriented relationships aren't all fun and games.

This sums up my thoughts exactly and it also reflects what I was going to say to the OP. After 5 years of being with someone, you "know" whether or not you can see yourself with this person permanently (marriage). And if he isn't sure, but you are (and ready to take it too the next level) then you are really left with two choices:
1. continue to wait around until he thinks you are "the one"
2. end the relationship and move on with your life.

Having been in that situation, I chose to move on because like someone else mentioned earlier, I think after a year, you internally "know" whether or not the person you are with is someone that you could see yourself committed to. I hate the thought of waiting on someone to "change" because 10 times out of the ten they don't.

I think my story does have a happy ending because I moved on with my life and did other things that I enjoyed. It was in one of those activities that I met someone totally wonderful. Had I not, who knows.....I may still be still around waiting on Mr. SoandSo to make up his mind.

[KonfidentOne]

If "the one" doesn't think you're "the one" then it's just that simple. You're not the one, and neither is he. Being "The One" has to be a mutual thing. You have to be the one for each other, it can't go just one way. It may feel to you like everything is great to you, but if it's not great to him, then it can't be great for you guys as a whole... I've been on both sides of it; I've tried to make it work when I knew he wasn't the one, and I've tried to fix it when he didn't think I was the one. It does NOT work, please believe me. I know it's hard to just let go when you've invested so much time and love and energy into it, but do yourself a favor and don't waste anymore.

[PrettyInPink777]

Originally Posted by DivineDiva47

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

Girl, you'd better go ahead and Preach! This is really Ridiculously timely for me right now ... Thanks - I needed that

[DivineDiva47]

Originally Posted by PrettyInPink777

Girl, you'd better go ahead and Preach! This is really Ridiculously timely for me right now ... Thanks - I needed that

Smile...anytime Sistergreek!

[ilovemyglo]

I had this happen- I dated a guy for ages and he broke up with me after three years (it wasn't the first time we broke up, but was the first one that stuck). I was devastated- I felt like my world was over... six months later he came back and we tried to be together but during that period I took a long hard look at myself, my goals and how this person, and I realized that I wanted different things in life. If he was "the one" wouldn't they coincide?
Fast forward five years later.. I only had one real boyfriend after him, we dated for 2 years long distance. We break up and six months later I met Joel. He and I- well I knew after two weeks this is the way it is supposed to be. We are supportive of each other and our dreams, we work to tackle situations together and everyday I realize how blessed I am to have him in my life- we are getting married in June.
I had kept touch with "Mr. Right" off and on through the years and when I called to tell him I was engaged, I let him know I was doing it because I didn't want him to hear through the grapevine, or whatever. He called me a four letter word that begins with a C and I hung up.
Apparently he hung on to the hope that we still were really meant to be together, no matter how many times I told him we didn't work together, he didn't get it!

[IlovemyAKA]

Originally Posted by DivineDiva47

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

I needed it as well. I had a flashback from a sermon when you mentioned that "Agape Love". I knew exactly what you meant before I got to the definition. It's time for me to find peace in my "right now" and further strengthen my relationship with Him while patiently praying for that type of intimacy here on earth.

[PrettyBoy]

This used to happen to me, but that was when I had no boundaries. I was always faithful and honest with these women, but since I had no boundaries, I would just let them into my life without really seeing the real person inside. I would find myself in relationships with women I wasn't compatible with. Now I have boundaries, because to me boundaries serve two major functions. First they define me as a man, and they show what I am and what I am not, what I agree with and what I disagree with, what I like and what I dislike. The 2nd function of boundaries is that they protect me, because they keep good things in and bad things out. In a relationship, when we don't have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people.

When we have well developed boundaries, spiritually we're more drawn to healthy growing people who want long term relationships, and are willing to work to stay together. We're clear about what we'll tolerate and what we like. I do think it's wrong to be with someone for a long time and then just call it quits for no reason except for "You're not the one." To me, jokers like this more than likely want to have their cake and eat it too, or they're just plain tired of the person they're with. I think when our boundaries are unclear we run the risk of allowing jokers inside our lives who shouldn't be there in the first place.

[KSig RC]

OK I haven't read any of this thread (which, upon preview, appears to be kind of a good thing) - but it's pretty simple:

If you think they're "the one" and they don't agree, you move on until the next time you become over-infatuated with someone, because you're fucked. Eventually, you'll learn, or find someone on your level, or mature, or improve, or you'll get 30 cats. It's all good.

Besides this, the concept of "the one" is so inanely "girly" I can't deal with it - it's a garbage label that only matters post-hoc, and in most cases is only applied to people who no longer want to have sex with you (and therefore can't possibly fit the term).

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

OK I haven't read any of this thread (which, upon preview, appears to be kind of a good thing) - but it's pretty simple:

If you think they're "the one" and they don't agree, you move on until the next time you become over-infatuated with someone, because you're fucked. Eventually, you'll learn, or find someone on your level, or mature, or improve, or you'll get 30 cats. It's all good.

Besides this, the concept of "the one" is so inanely "girly" I can't deal with it - it's a garbage label that only matters post-hoc, and in most cases is only applied to people who no longer want to have sex with you (and therefore can't possibly fit the term).

I think the problem is a lot people aren't upfront with each other at the start of a relationship, which creates deception. I think hurt and loss comes with relationships. Losing an s/o that he/she desires is almost inevitable in relationships at some time or another, at the same time this causes people to lose trust in the opposite sex, but this doesn't have to happen if people are honest and upfront with one another. There's nothing wrong with dating someone and enjoying their company, and finding out where a relationship is going to go. But as soon as someone is sure that the relationship is not going where the other person thinks or hopes that it is, I think that person has a responsibility to tell the other one clearly and honestly rather than doing it 5 years later. Why lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything the other person is doing?