Engaged Encounter

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

It's funny I saw that you posted in here and my first reaction was "I thought she was Jewish" lol.

I am. My understanding is that it's required for Catholic couples who want to get married, but you don't have to be Catholic to do it.

Originally Posted by oncegreek

Anyway, we had to learn about the various types of NFP, and we were supposed to do the whole charting thing, and turn in our results.... I refused, and instead wrote a paper about all of the different types of birth control. Needless to say, I got a "D" in the class!

You had to turn in your results? Intrusive much?? What did the boys have to do (or was it an all-girls' school, or was the class only required for girls)?

NFP has such a high failure rate that I do not consider it a valid method of birth control. At best, it slightly alters your chances of pregnancy in any given month.

[Drolefille]

Some sort of premarriage prep is required for Catholics, whether a one day Pre-Cana, a six week Pre Cana or the Encounter sort (I remember my parents going to Marriage Encounter which is the post-marriage bit.)

[oncegreek]

This was an all-girls school, in the very early nineteen eighties. Yes, the whole thing felt very intrusive to me. I do not think that the school requires this any longer. I recently received a fundraising phone call from my alma mater....I politely informed them that my money, ( and my children!) now go to the Episcopal church.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by ADqtPiMel

I despised Engaged Encounter -- we had to do it because we got married in the Catholic church. It's actually a big part of why I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore. Ours was very very heavy on the preaching -- we literally got locked away in a closet with one of the couples running the show, and they spent an hour trying to convince us that living together was going to completely ruin our relationship (and at that point, we'd already lived together about a year -- no way we were finding the money at age 23 to finance two separate apartments in DC, even if we wanted to). There was a whole afternoon session about how birth control is awful, and snide pointed comments at a few couples in the room (us included) who they knew lived together and used BC. It was humiliating and I was really angry for a long time after.

I am way in favor of premarital counseling (our sessions with my parish priest were helpful), and I'm glad EE worked for some couples, but I can't recommend it to anyone except the strictest practicing Catholics.

WOW, that is a completely different experience from ours, and the first time I've heard that from anyone who's gone through EE. I'd say 75% of the couples in our weekend live together, and most were age 30+. There was not one single talk about the Catholic Church, and there wasn't even a talk about birth control at all. Natural Family Planning got about two minutes of time in one of the talks because one of the couples is just starting it and they were talking about how interesting they thought it was. But other than that, the only talk of religion was between us couples when they sent us off to talk privately about what we wanted for our family in the way of religion/spirituality, and on Sunday when we had a 45-minute Mass. Sorry you had such a bad experience with it, but it definitely sounds like the exception.

ETA: One of the couples in our group even told everyone (as part of their introduction) that they "did things backwards accidentally" and had their daughter a couple of years ago and now they're getting married. The hosts laughed with the rest of us and said basically, "Sometimes that's the way things happen!"

ETAA: Our EE weekend also did not have a priest for a host, just the older couple and younger couple. According to the hosts, the priests who attend EE weekends do so on a voluntary basis, and sometimes they can't find one to do some weekends. I think it was better for us, because neither of us is Catholic. The priest just showed up for Mass, and he was a hilarious old retired priest from Ireland, who wanted to hold Mass at 10 am instead of noon because he wanted to watch the World Cup final.

[sceniczip]

^^^My church's priest is this elderly Irish guy and he's hilarious. Each week he has a list of people to thank and then always goes "And finally, I'd like to thank myself for being here" It's a smallish parish and he's our only priest. I loff him and hope he lives long enough to be the priest at my wedding.

When my parents did pre-cana eons ago (at least 25 years) they talked to a priest who basically told them to use whatever birth control they wanted. Not in that many words, but that was the general gist of it.

BF's parents help with a pre-cana weekend at least once a year. I'm nervous to go through it when I get married but really want to get married in the catholic church.

[nikki1920]

The other half and I did premarital counseling thorough our church also, and it really just emphasized communication and how to do it effectively. We had discussed mostly everything that was brought up.

I DEFINITELY recommend it for all engaged or thinking about getting engaged couples.

[KSUViolet06]

I highly recommend some sort of pre-marital counseling (church-based or otherwise).

Many times, folks think that pre-marital counseling is only for couples with "issues."

It gives you a chance to talk through things with a professional just being there to facilitate that communication. Sometimes, the professional brings up things (not necessarily bad things) that some couples surprisingly never think to talk about before marriage.

My mentor does alot of pre-marital counseling. As a counseling professional, we've talked about this kind of stuff before.

Some of the important topics he asks about about are basic things like "how do you plan to handle your money/finances?" (and he talks about different ways couples have done that). Many of his clients never actually talked about it (a lot of people IGNORE money), and just assumed that the other would "take care of it."

Even little stuff like the housework. There were times when couples had never lived together, so they had never talked about their expectations for the housework and keeping the house clean. Sometimes, Person A assumed "oh we'll just split it" whereas Person B assumed "oh she/he should take care of that since he/she works less" or whatever.

There are some more serious topics like the section on trust/fidelity where he talks to couples about how they might handle one of them having an affair or something. He says you'd be really surprised how many couples say "oh, but we're so in love, that would NEVER happen to us."

Or the "kids/no kids" thing. Some clients didn't agree on kids/no kids/1 or 2/whatever. Pre-marital counseling is a good place to sort that out.

You'd think that everyone who was getting married would've brought this stuff up before, but you'd be surprised at the things people think "aren't a big deal."

It's just good to have actually talked about that stuff beforehand, and a professional can help you do that (and bring some things to your attention that you never thought about).

[AOII_LB93]

I agree wholeheartedly with what KSUViolet said. At our EE, it was all old hat to my husband and I because we had discussed all of that stuff before, but we had also been together for almost 6 years at that point and had lived together for 4.

Whether through EE or not, pre-marital counseling is something that more folks should do.

[AGDee]

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

True. If someone's going to do that though they'll do it no matter what. So all other things being equal, you at least improve your odds by seeking counseling?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

True. If someone's going to do that though they'll do it no matter what. So all other things being equal, you at least improve your odds by seeking counseling?

I definitely agree the counseling should occur. I think it is important for all parties to be honest during that counseling is just the message I was trying to get across. Don't just say things that you think your partner wants to hear.

[groovypq]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

*ding!*

Were you married to my ex, too?

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

One of the reasons why EE appealed to me was that the priest and hosts are not involved in the personal talks between the couples. They give a talk, then we separate to write, then the couples get back together and talk alone for a while. I have a feeling that if a third party was involved in our conversations, we wouldn't be as honest...I think we'd find a way to sugar coat things, or we'd keep quiet about some things because we just wouldn't want to talk about them with a stranger.

[ZetaGirl22]

DH and I got married in a Catholic church as well, and we had to do the premarital counseling. The options were the EE weekend, or this sponsorship program the parish had that was one day a week for 5 weeks. We opted for the latter. I found it to be really great too! Our "sponsor couple" was a couple who had been married 40 years and was "mixed faith" too. Our wedding was considered interfaith because even though DH was baptized Catholic, he was confirmed Lutheran. There was very little church rhetoric. It was all about communication and expectations (ie, what expectations of eachother are you bringing into the marriage and are you on the same page about that). We lived together before we got married, and our sponsor couple had too, so no judgements there either. We got along very well with them. Definitely something I would recommend to all engaged couples, even if you just go to a regular couples counselor.

[groovypq]

Funny this popped up today, because my fiance and I are going on our Engaged Encounter this weekend!