Engaged Encounter

[Psi U MC Vito]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

LOL!

I'm glad we didn't do EE. Most of what I've heard about it has been negative, particularly the bits about NFP. DH and I did some premarital counseling with our rabbi, just the three of us, and that was perfect for us.

It's funny I saw that you posted in here and my first reaction was "I thought she was Jewish" lol.

[oncegreek]

I have heard NFP referred to as "Never Fail Pregnancy." I attended a Catholic high school, and I had to take a class entitled "Marriage and Christian Family Living" in order to graduate. Never mind that I wasn't even dating yet! Anyway, we had to learn about the various types of NFP, and we were supposed to do the whole charting thing, and turn in our results.... I refused, and instead wrote a paper about all of the different types of birth control. Needless to say, I got a "D" in the class!

After that experience, I pretty much left the church. The sad thing is, i was so put off by that whole experience, that when my husband and I got engaged, I refused to attend any sort of marriage preparation class. We would really have benefitted, I think, and avoided many difficulties in our early years of marriage.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

It's funny I saw that you posted in here and my first reaction was "I thought she was Jewish" lol.

I am. My understanding is that it's required for Catholic couples who want to get married, but you don't have to be Catholic to do it.

Originally Posted by oncegreek

Anyway, we had to learn about the various types of NFP, and we were supposed to do the whole charting thing, and turn in our results.... I refused, and instead wrote a paper about all of the different types of birth control. Needless to say, I got a "D" in the class!

You had to turn in your results? Intrusive much?? What did the boys have to do (or was it an all-girls' school, or was the class only required for girls)?

NFP has such a high failure rate that I do not consider it a valid method of birth control. At best, it slightly alters your chances of pregnancy in any given month.

[Drolefille]

Some sort of premarriage prep is required for Catholics, whether a one day Pre-Cana, a six week Pre Cana or the Encounter sort (I remember my parents going to Marriage Encounter which is the post-marriage bit.)

[oncegreek]

This was an all-girls school, in the very early nineteen eighties. Yes, the whole thing felt very intrusive to me. I do not think that the school requires this any longer. I recently received a fundraising phone call from my alma mater....I politely informed them that my money, ( and my children!) now go to the Episcopal church.

[nikki1920]

The other half and I did premarital counseling thorough our church also, and it really just emphasized communication and how to do it effectively. We had discussed mostly everything that was brought up.

I DEFINITELY recommend it for all engaged or thinking about getting engaged couples.

[KSUViolet06]

I highly recommend some sort of pre-marital counseling (church-based or otherwise).

Many times, folks think that pre-marital counseling is only for couples with "issues."

It gives you a chance to talk through things with a professional just being there to facilitate that communication. Sometimes, the professional brings up things (not necessarily bad things) that some couples surprisingly never think to talk about before marriage.

My mentor does alot of pre-marital counseling. As a counseling professional, we've talked about this kind of stuff before.

Some of the important topics he asks about about are basic things like "how do you plan to handle your money/finances?" (and he talks about different ways couples have done that). Many of his clients never actually talked about it (a lot of people IGNORE money), and just assumed that the other would "take care of it."

Even little stuff like the housework. There were times when couples had never lived together, so they had never talked about their expectations for the housework and keeping the house clean. Sometimes, Person A assumed "oh we'll just split it" whereas Person B assumed "oh she/he should take care of that since he/she works less" or whatever.

There are some more serious topics like the section on trust/fidelity where he talks to couples about how they might handle one of them having an affair or something. He says you'd be really surprised how many couples say "oh, but we're so in love, that would NEVER happen to us."

Or the "kids/no kids" thing. Some clients didn't agree on kids/no kids/1 or 2/whatever. Pre-marital counseling is a good place to sort that out.

You'd think that everyone who was getting married would've brought this stuff up before, but you'd be surprised at the things people think "aren't a big deal."

It's just good to have actually talked about that stuff beforehand, and a professional can help you do that (and bring some things to your attention that you never thought about).

[AOII_LB93]

I agree wholeheartedly with what KSUViolet said. At our EE, it was all old hat to my husband and I because we had discussed all of that stuff before, but we had also been together for almost 6 years at that point and had lived together for 4.

Whether through EE or not, pre-marital counseling is something that more folks should do.

[AGDee]

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

True. If someone's going to do that though they'll do it no matter what. So all other things being equal, you at least improve your odds by seeking counseling?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

True. If someone's going to do that though they'll do it no matter what. So all other things being equal, you at least improve your odds by seeking counseling?

I definitely agree the counseling should occur. I think it is important for all parties to be honest during that counseling is just the message I was trying to get across. Don't just say things that you think your partner wants to hear.

[groovypq]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

*ding!*

Were you married to my ex, too?

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by AGDee

While I agree with what KSUViolet said, people also need to understand that sometimes one partner lies their asses off during these sessions, makes all kinds of "promises" and then doesn't follow through on a single one of them once they are actually married.

One of the reasons why EE appealed to me was that the priest and hosts are not involved in the personal talks between the couples. They give a talk, then we separate to write, then the couples get back together and talk alone for a while. I have a feeling that if a third party was involved in our conversations, we wouldn't be as honest...I think we'd find a way to sugar coat things, or we'd keep quiet about some things because we just wouldn't want to talk about them with a stranger.

[ZetaGirl22]

DH and I got married in a Catholic church as well, and we had to do the premarital counseling. The options were the EE weekend, or this sponsorship program the parish had that was one day a week for 5 weeks. We opted for the latter. I found it to be really great too! Our "sponsor couple" was a couple who had been married 40 years and was "mixed faith" too. Our wedding was considered interfaith because even though DH was baptized Catholic, he was confirmed Lutheran. There was very little church rhetoric. It was all about communication and expectations (ie, what expectations of eachother are you bringing into the marriage and are you on the same page about that). We lived together before we got married, and our sponsor couple had too, so no judgements there either. We got along very well with them. Definitely something I would recommend to all engaged couples, even if you just go to a regular couples counselor.

[groovypq]

Funny this popped up today, because my fiance and I are going on our Engaged Encounter this weekend!