Advice and status of my move in

[WVU alpha phi]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

I'm usually a very jealous person, unless I feel secure in a relationship. Like everyone said, you're being extremely insecure and it's affecting your relationship. The part I put in bold- do you really think he's cheating on you right in front of your house? (or wherever you live). All it would take to get caught is you walking by a window- if something IS going on, I hope he isn't a big enough idiot to hook up with someone in plain sight.

What is he going to tell his friend? "My fiance thinks you're sitting to close to me" or "My fiance is upset that you don't leave with the rest of the group"? It even sounds ridiculous. As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

I agree.

Your issues aren't just about this girl. I get the feeling that you have more issues than just that. This is probably just where your frustrations come out the most.

[ASTalumna06]

The only way that you should be concerned is if all of the nice things he does for her, he's ONLY doing for her.

If he walks her out to her car when it's dark, and he walks you out to your car when it's dark, then there shouldn't be a problem. If he's only doing it for her, then you should be concerned.

I love my boyfriend dearly, and he is quite possibly the greatest thing to happen to me. And what makes me even more attracted to him is that in addition to doing nice things for me, he does nice things for other people.. and for girls!

He has a class with one of my sorority sisters, and when she missed a class one day, he asked me for her number so that he could call her, tell her what she missed, copy the assignment for her, and go over it with her so she knew what was going on. That doesn't make me jealous. It makes me happy that I'm lucky enough to be with someone who's so incredibly nice!

And my bf has other girls that like him. I know that. Who wouldn't?! haha. But even if a girl is flirting with him, I KNOW that he loves me. And even if he "flirts" a little back, I know that it won't amount to anything.

If you can't trust that, then you can't trust him. And that's a HUGE problem.

And trust me when I say that if you keep getting upset about these things, when in reality, they could amount to absolutely nothing, you're are DEFINITELY going to push him away. I've been the one who's been pushed away before, and it really gets annoying when you have someone questioning every move you make.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation. It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me. To make a long story short, we got into a heated argument about it. Actually a few arguments. Only one of of them was really heated. It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes. I asked him why does she always have to stay after they leave? Why do you always walk her to her car when she leaves? And then her fucking phone calls. He says it's not just her, it's the other part of the group calling too. I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes. I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged. He seems to be drifting away. Is it just me? Do you think I'm being overly jealous? Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window! All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Gretchen

I'm confused.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

[texas*princess]

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

I feel like she has a reason to be concerned.

I will say though that him behaving differently is also a cause for concern. If he was previously the type of guy to try to ease his lady's fears and now all of a sudden he's spending all this extra time with this one girl that he KNOWS is causing problems with him and his finance, it's almost like he's doing that on purpose or something.

Unfortunately though, I don't have any advice to try to smooth things over with him.

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly.

Since you kept talking about him and the girl, I doubt you understood. You threw in a blurb about how things between you aren't the same anymore...that he's not dressing up for you, etc. That's the part that made me think this isn't really about the girl. Maybe it's pissing you off a bit, but that's not where the problem really lies, IMO. So figure out what's really bugging you (which you've partially identified) and take THAT to him as a real concern because, from the way you're talking, this girl is just a sidebar to a bigger issue.

[teena]

I dont think you are crazy but I do think you are insecure. The question is...do you have a right to be. I am a FIRM believer in intuition. That feeling that tells you to turn right instead of left, tells you that a particular coworker isnt to be trusted etc. I think your intuition is being tweaked. You have to determine if you actually have trust issues or if your are getting the very early warning signals of something being wrong in your relationship. I would suggest that you fall back on nagging and pressing the issue and simply observer behaviours. If you are correct you will have collected hard data to support your theory. If you are incorrect, then you know you need to seek help for trust issues.

Either way...chill.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

No, I wouldn't be o.k. with it. You didn't post any of this in your original post. Like I said before, he should respect your wishes and since he's not, IMO that's a problem. Respect is more to do with being treated as you would like to be treated. Your opinion needs to be heard and valued, and your feelings need to be regarded. Respectful people don't lose respect over time, they increase it. It doesn't sound like he's doing that with you. I could be wrong, but I'm responding to what you posted.

"Gretchen W", if I were you, I wouldn't jump into marriage with this joker. I wouldn't because a man should love his s/o completely, passionately and romantically, while serving her and giving her the respect she desires and deserves. Based on your post, I don't think you're being inscure.

Be careful, because cheating doesn't start overnight. A lot of times (and in your case) a man usually begins by conversing with a close female friend, it could be at work, a neighbor and in your case a study partner. The "conversation only" friendship then develops into a deeper relationship of trust and desire. One step at a time, the relationship is compromised by deeper feelings of trust and emotional dependence in the 3rd party, and if he doesn't stop himself, he'll cheat. Based on your post, it sounds like your fiance is headed in this direction. There's nothing wrong with having conversations with the opposite sex, I just think there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There's also nothing wrong with him walking her to her car, but if I were him, the way I would have handled it, I would have said as I was walking down the hallway (based on your description) I would have said to you (if you were my fiance) "Hey babe, I'm getting ready to walk (her) to her car. Come walk with us." I would do that to put it out there who I am in love with. But then again, that's just me. Do what you want to do, but I would be careful, and think a little more into it before you jump into marriage with a man who doesn't respect your feelings.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Nope. I agree with you.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Nope. I agree with you.

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

I'm usually a very jealous person, unless I feel secure in a relationship. Like everyone said, you're being extremely insecure and it's affecting your relationship. The part I put in bold- do you really think he's cheating on you right in front of your house? (or wherever you live). All it would take to get caught is you walking by a window- if something IS going on, I hope he isn't a big enough idiot to hook up with someone in plain sight.

What is he going to tell his friend? "My fiance thinks you're sitting to close to me" or "My fiance is upset that you don't leave with the rest of the group"? It even sounds ridiculous. As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

It didn't start out this way. I expressed my feelings to him about how I felt about her, and he laughed and said it's nothing. No, I don't expect him to tell her that way. I just expect him to keep his distance from her. It's just something about her. She rarely says anything to me, and just this week again, it's been the same long talks with her outside in front of her car. I haven't said much to him about it, in fact, I let it go, but it still bothers me. The sex, isn't even like it was. He says he's stressed because of school, and that may be, but when we were in undergrad, he never complained about that.

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

The only way that you should be concerned is if all of the nice things he does for her, he's ONLY doing for her.

If he walks her out to her car when it's dark, and he walks you out to your car when it's dark, then there shouldn't be a problem. If he's only doing it for her, then you should be concerned.

I love my boyfriend dearly, and he is quite possibly the greatest thing to happen to me. And what makes me even more attracted to him is that in addition to doing nice things for me, he does nice things for other people.. and for girls!

He has a class with one of my sorority sisters, and when she missed a class one day, he asked me for her number so that he could call her, tell her what she missed, copy the assignment for her, and go over it with her so she knew what was going on. That doesn't make me jealous. It makes me happy that I'm lucky enough to be with someone who's so incredibly nice!

And my bf has other girls that like him. I know that. Who wouldn't?! haha. But even if a girl is flirting with him, I KNOW that he loves me. And even if he "flirts" a little back, I know that it won't amount to anything.

If you can't trust that, then you can't trust him. And that's a HUGE problem.

And trust me when I say that if you keep getting upset about these things, when in reality, they could amount to absolutely nothing, you're are DEFINITELY going to push him away. I've been the one who's been pushed away before, and it really gets annoying when you have someone questioning every move you make.

He's not the one to open doors for women or anything, not even me. I don't think anything is bad about that, that's just him. I don't mind him walking her to her car at night, but does he have to talk to her for 15-20 minutes at a time? Flirting? I don't know if he is or isn't. I hear them laughing and giggling in his study room sometimes. I wouldn't call it flirting. I don't know what they're doing, I just don't like it. Our wedding is scheduled for August of next year, and I'm having 2nd thoughts about it.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

And this is how I feel. It seems like he doesn't give a shit anymore.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

We weren't having problems until she came along.