Advice and status of my move in

[Gretchen W]

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

[ree-Xi]

If you are planning to get married, it's time to take your issues off a message board and into your relationship. You two need to communicate. If you need help, seek the advice of a couple's therapist. You also might benefit from having your own therapist, because you have a lot of anger and insecurity. Warranted or not, these are things best dealt with by professionals, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Best of luck.

[WVU alpha phi]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

I'm usually a very jealous person, unless I feel secure in a relationship. Like everyone said, you're being extremely insecure and it's affecting your relationship. The part I put in bold- do you really think he's cheating on you right in front of your house? (or wherever you live). All it would take to get caught is you walking by a window- if something IS going on, I hope he isn't a big enough idiot to hook up with someone in plain sight.

What is he going to tell his friend? "My fiance thinks you're sitting to close to me" or "My fiance is upset that you don't leave with the rest of the group"? It even sounds ridiculous. As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

I agree.

Your issues aren't just about this girl. I get the feeling that you have more issues than just that. This is probably just where your frustrations come out the most.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

I'm usually a very jealous person, unless I feel secure in a relationship. Like everyone said, you're being extremely insecure and it's affecting your relationship. The part I put in bold- do you really think he's cheating on you right in front of your house? (or wherever you live). All it would take to get caught is you walking by a window- if something IS going on, I hope he isn't a big enough idiot to hook up with someone in plain sight.

What is he going to tell his friend? "My fiance thinks you're sitting to close to me" or "My fiance is upset that you don't leave with the rest of the group"? It even sounds ridiculous. As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

It didn't start out this way. I expressed my feelings to him about how I felt about her, and he laughed and said it's nothing. No, I don't expect him to tell her that way. I just expect him to keep his distance from her. It's just something about her. She rarely says anything to me, and just this week again, it's been the same long talks with her outside in front of her car. I haven't said much to him about it, in fact, I let it go, but it still bothers me. The sex, isn't even like it was. He says he's stressed because of school, and that may be, but when we were in undergrad, he never complained about that.

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

[teena]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

It didn't start out this way. I expressed my feelings to him about how I felt about her, and he laughed and said it's nothing. No, I don't expect him to tell her that way. I just expect him to keep his distance from her. It's just something about her. She rarely says anything to me, and just this week again, it's been the same long talks with her outside in front of her car. I haven't said much to him about it, in fact, I let it go, but it still bothers me. The sex, isn't even like it was. He says he's stressed because of school, and that may be, but when we were in undergrad, he never complained about that.

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

I was cheering for you up until you posted the bolded. That is silly and immature. Maybe it really is you.

[AOII_LB93]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

You are SO not ready to be married. I can't even begin to express how destructive this sort of behavior is in any relationship. "He hurt me so I'm going to do it back." Yeah, that's a great way of being in a mature relationship. Perhaps you should examine why it is that you are engaged to a man that you feel that you can not trust. Based on what you've said above, amongst other posts, getting married to anyone at this point would be a horrible idea.

[Jimmy Choo]

Since you are engaged you may want to give counceling a try. But I have to say my red flags would be up too. If he doesn't want to be honest in that enviornment kick his a$$ to the curb. Seriously.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

[texas*princess]

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

I feel like she has a reason to be concerned.

I will say though that him behaving differently is also a cause for concern. If he was previously the type of guy to try to ease his lady's fears and now all of a sudden he's spending all this extra time with this one girl that he KNOWS is causing problems with him and his finance, it's almost like he's doing that on purpose or something.

Unfortunately though, I don't have any advice to try to smooth things over with him.

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Nope. I agree with you.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Nope. I agree with you.

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

I know that. I just said nope because she's not the only one who feels that way.

True. I agree with you, as I do all of your posts in D&R. I certainly won't debate with you on marriage though, seeing that you've been married for 20 years. I think that's great!!! What I will say though, I still think "Gretchen W" should think twice before she marries this joker. IMO, I just see disaster based on what she's posted. Everyone handles their relationships differently, but for me I wouldn't put up with a 3rd party problem.

I still have to roll with texas princess on the issue.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

And this is how I feel. It seems like he doesn't give a shit anymore.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

We weren't having problems until she came along.