The ramblings of a single woman... (TFKA ...crying pink and green tears...

[Love_Spell_6]

>>hijack
Has anyone read Single, Sassy, and Satisfied by Michelle Mckinney Hammond??? Its really good insight in this area as far as being Single and focusing on God and other positive aspects of being a single woman...I know it gets tough sometimes..and reading and doing positive things can really lift you up...

>>> end hijack

[lovelyivy84]

((((((((Steeltrap)))))))))))

You are in my thoughts Soror!

[lil_sunshine]

Originally posted by Steeltrap
Right now, I'm feeling like I'm 40, fat in the wrong place to be so (LoCal), never will be married or have a child. Translation: a complete loser and my mother and sister (a mother herself) are lording it over me on Mother's Day.

The reason I'm feeling this way: I was blindsided today by my nephew, who's bringing his (nonAfAm) gf and her nonAfAm child to dinner. I get these horrible mammy/Sambo images whenever I see them.

Of course, I had another vicious row with my mother and sister, and my sister asked me: "what are you going to do with a baby?"

That's not the point.

Back later.

Dearest ST:

The only way you can feel like or even be a loser is if YOU ARE ONE, and I don't think that you are one. Just b/c family and friends may think that you are too old to get married and/or have children doesn't mean that they should hold that over your head, much less make you feel guilty about what accomplishments you've had b4 marriage and motherhood. I'm not going to start spouting cliches b/c that would be redundant. But I'd like to say a few things (hoping you'll feel better soon):

1. Marriage is a great institution for those who are truly ready to appreciate the ones they're with, but it's not for everyone.

2. As far as motherhood is concerned, you don't necessarily have to give birth in order to be an effective parent/role model. You can take care of a relative's child, become a foster parent or godparent, or adopt. There are too many young children who don't have a stable home life (which they deserve) and they could be living with their natural parents. Raising a child can be a difficult task, especially if it's not in your heart. I have five godchildren, one niece and two nephews, and I love them all dearly. I feel that whatever I can teach them and pass on to them will hlp in keeping my memory alive when I'm gone. Even though I'm 26, I still haven't decided whether I would like to have children of my own. If I do decide to have two or three or 100, I want to make sure that I do that with someone who shares the same passions as I do about life, love and family.

[abaici]

(((((SOROR ST)))))

Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about yourself. You are fabulous in every sense of the word. Do not let others define/dictate who you are. As Soror Star says, "(I) You are the author of the only dictionary that defines (me) you."

[AKA_Monet]

Not all those who give birth are good mothers... Not all mothers are ones who have given birth to children...

Biblically: "Bless you oh woman who has never felt the pangs of child birth!!! You will have more children who call you mother than those who have given birth!!!" I believe that is in Hebrews, but I could be wrong...

Spiritually: I know you girl!!! You are a BEAUTIFUL woman!!!

HAYLE!!! I'll just PM you!!!

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Not all those who give birth are good mothers... Not all mothers are ones who have given birth to children...

Biblically: "Bless you oh woman who has never felt the pangs of child birth!!! You will have more children who call you mother than those who have given birth!!!" I believe that is in Hebrews, but I could be wrong...

Spiritually: I know you girl!!! You are a BEAUTIFUL woman!!!

HAYLE!!! I'll just PM you!!!

How about this right here? This is pretty darn true for me! I have over 27 girls who call me ma, mommy, godmommy, g-ma, etc. here at the school. Who knew? This makes me smile.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by Jorrie96
Hi All,

Please excuse me for the long posting but I just have to vent for a moment. Where, oh where, can I find a single, good brother (in North Carolina) who isn't bothered by the fact that I've done well?

My last boyfriend and I started out at about the same pay rate and over three years we both applied for two promotions. He got neither and I got them both. Our salaries went from about the same to my salary being almost three times his. This freaked him out as he said he made him feel less like a man.

I've talked to some of my male friends about this and they confirmed that this can be a definite issue in a relationship and that some guys find a self-sufficient woman intimadating.

I own my home and have a nice car but I NEVER mention those things now when I meet someone. I shouldn't have to downplay the things I've earned but I've come to learn that it may not be such a bad idea.

Has anyone heard of the club in New York that requires a bio in order to become a member? The men and women have to meet certain criteria (income level, education, no kids or something like that..don't remember all of the story). At first I thought it was a horrible idea but now it sort of makes sense.

And in case some people are wondering I HONESTLY could care less how much he makes or what he drives (where he lives is a different story...he shouldn't still be living with Mom if he is still in his 30's ) ..I just want someone who genuinely cares about me and values my company.

Has anyone else run into this? I feel like I'm running out of ideas on where to meet people and as 31 creeps upon me I worry about this more and more.

<Sigh> Maybe it is just me (yes, I have thought about that too!)

Again, I apologize for the rant but sometimes the world seems to be all coupled up and I feel totally left out

PS I'm serious about knowing someone in NC. If you do drop me a line

Skee wee Soror,
Did you get my pm?
SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by UpPinkies
I just read this twice and have to give props to your friend.

Soror,
I love your sig! Yes, it was a good year.

I also agree that her friend had the right thing in mind by actively placing herself in a position to meet people (I believe that it's primarily a numbers game).

I am also broadening my horizons in terms of the men that I am willing to date now. He doesn't have to be a cutie, just attractive enough and well-groomed, and he can be in his mid- or maybe even late-thirties (I'll be 30 in July), no problem. The nerds are also welcomed. Girl, a sister is looking for STABILITY with a capital "S" and if he can provide that and treat me well then the other things don't matter as much anymore.

Also, wrt some of the content of the other posts, I would like to add that I don't necessarily think that older men have it like that to wait years and years either to have children. Personally, I am a little leery of having children with a man who is *much* older b/c I want him to be around to hopefully see that child graduate college, etc. So it's not always an older man's pick of the litter if other women feel this way as well.

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
I have to be honest with y'all... It ain't easy being single. I was 34 when I got married and I am almost at my 1st year anniversary...

Y'all are trying to find "good men" that fit your terms. Well be honest: What are your terms, really?

I gave up 2 extremely good bruhs because they did not "fit" my little "fantasy" I had as a "husband"... One was an extremely good man--a medical doctor, smart, sweet to me, no pressure to be physically intimate... The other was a lawyer, but there were questions about his "preferences"...

Anyhoo. I wanted the tall, dark chocolately, rich and handsome... And I got those men, too. But they treated me like crap... And it hurt...

But where I HAD to paradigm shift was with my husband. He ain't tall, he's not chocolately--more like honey caramel, he ain't rich in monetary supplies, and really, his first picture he sent to me, was less to be desired...

But he was smart, and loverman gave me a massage package at this upscale downtown Dallas hotel spa when I first met him--like the isht was not cheap... He said he wanted me to be relaxed...

He was good to me. And that is important.

COMMUNICATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!

If you can communicate at ALL levels with your love--even telepathically--then half your relationship problems will never be a problem...

There are several men around that are "dateable" and "mateable". It is matter of what you are willing to have as the "dealbreaker"... What can you tolerate? Can you tolerate a man who wants the "corporate wife" that doesn't work and only cleans and makes his dinner? Can you tolerate bruthaman that loves to work? Can you deal with men's fragile egos... And OHH how men love to "grandstand"... What CAN YOU TOLERATE, REALLY?

Do you want to be fighting with your husband's toys all over the flow as well as your kid's toys? And YES, men have toys... My husband has an XBOX... Do you want the man to bring home the bacon all the time? When do you want to buy that house? Do you want Inlawitus? Can you deal with that? Forget the fact of all your side wonderin' when the pregnancy is gonna happen... What about fertility issues?

The grass always looks greener over the septic tank...

You single ladies, I feel fo yah... I was there myself before. But what worked for me was to paradigm shift and YES, settle if I wanted to be married...

I do not think I settled for less. Nobody can fulfill all your fantasies. That's why they are called "fairy tales". Only you can fulfill all your desires by being happy with who you are and wanting someone else to enjoy the "wonder" of you...

Men do fall for how a woman makes him feel... Meaning, they fall for her "smell", her "touch". How she makes herself presentable when he sees her... How she dresses, how she keeps her house, how she runs around the house and the place. It feeds his ego when he knows he has made a woman happy with the littlest of things--like taking out the trash... Putting the toilet seat down...

Men do love to feel needed... Don't ask me why? Many men are not secure with themselves. The asswipes that we've been with are the ones you see the most insecure. But the good ones have many insecurities that need nurturing too...

At the same time, don't doormat yourself... Don't be "there" for him at a drop of a "hat" and he ain't married to you--and even then...

And I can tell you marriage is give and take. More giving on your part than taking... But it is about "biting" your tongue. Mine is totally thrashed. I want to "lit" into my husband for doing some stoopid-assed isht, but I can't. Then I cannot fly off the handle when I am PMS,MS,post MS'ing... He calls me "wiggin' out"... So, when I put myself in check with him, half the time, I stop, 10 seconds, breathe, breathe again, and the wigginess subsides... It hurts his little feelings when I get on him. And that hurts our marriage... There is only so much we can take...

So ladies, that is why we old married ladies are telling you that you best know yourself and what you will tolerate before you get married... Cuz you MUST know how to handle your idiosyncracies before you can handle his...

Soror, you are so on point with this!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have had to do a paradigm shift as well. I gave up at least a handful of good guys over my 20's with good jobs (engineers, etc.) b/c they were not cuties (they were just ok). Heck, one guy I gave up and he was fine, an engineer, kind, honest, and patient, and loved me to death but he was 5'3 or so and I couldn't get with it at that time. That was a loss. However, I know that G-D had to work with me b/c I am a much better woman now then I was then and now really am beginning to understand what is important in life.

Thanks again for your insight,
SC

[Love_Spell_6]

Originally posted by SummerChild

Also, wrt some of the content of the other posts, I would like to add that I don't necessarily think that older men have it like that to wait years and years either to have children. Personally, I am a little leery of having children with a man who is *much* older b/c I want him to be around to hopefully see that child graduate college, etc. So it's not always an older man's pick of the litter if other women feel this way as well.

SC

This is very true. I know a lot of men who are mid to late thirties and think when they get around 40...they can find a woman in her mid twenties that will be interested...while this may be ok for some...I want a husband that can get out there and play catch with my son (if I'm blessed with one) without being out of breath... I am not feeling dating someone 10-15 years older than me... A bruh i know is now 40 years old and wants to settle down and feels he can't find a good woman anywhere in sight....he says sure u can find a woman (he's in ATL) but whether or not you're compatible or she has too much baggage is a completely different issue...
I always hear men talk about the one that "got away" while they were playing the field and wasn't ready to settle down... I know another bruh who's been married almost 10 years...but still thinks of his college sweetheart VERY often...I think a little too often.... so from this perspective...the men aren't getting off with no consequences from the "waiting game" they often play...

[Ideal08]

I hate dating. I think that's what I hate most about being single. Ok, let me clarify. I like to date, I think it's fun. What I hate is when it moves from more than just dating and friends to whatever is after that. Then the man gets to saying all types of isht. What I need is a class to teach me how to interpret the BS that some of these men spout. Because how can you tell what's real and what's not? And I thought women changed their minds a lot. Man, man, man. Men change their minds and then wonder how you got confused in the first place. BASTARD! I feel like I need a stenographer when y'all speak so that you can't say I got it twisted. I am so sick and tired of being confused and trying to figure it out. If I ask you a question, that means I WANT to know the answer. TELL THE TRUTH!!! Stop trying to spare peoples feelings. And if that's not what's up, then MAKE A FRIGGIN' DECISION.

I need to post those top ten cities for dating. Maybe we all need to relocate.

[sphinxpoet]

Originally posted by Ideal08
I hate dating. I think that's what I hate most about being single. Ok, let me clarify. I like to date, I think it's fun. What I hate is when it moves from more than just dating and friends to whatever is after that. Then the man gets to saying all types of isht. What I need is a class to teach me how to interpret the BS that some of these men spout. Because how can you tell what's real and what's not? And I thought women changed their minds a lot. Man, man, man. Men change their minds and then wonder how you got confused in the first place. BASTARD! I feel like I need a stenographer when y'all speak so that you can't say I got it twisted. I am so sick and tired of being confused and trying to figure it out. If I ask you a question, that means I WANT to know the answer. TELL THE TRUTH!!! Stop trying to spare peoples feelings. And if that's not what's up, then MAKE A FRIGGIN' DECISION.

I need to post those top ten cities for dating. Maybe we all need to relocate.

Hmmmm..........I came to realize that men and women just dont communicate well. We think we are sending each other mixed signals but to each gender it makes complete sense. I think we need to develop a UN translator for all of this dating stuff.

[Jorrie96]

Ideal08,

I doubt I live in one of the top ten cities for dating but maybe I can go visit one of them for an extended weekend....

[lil_sunshine]

Originally posted by sphinxpoet
Hmmmm..........I came to realize that men and women just dont communicate well. We think we are sending each other mixed signals but to each gender it makes complete sense. I think we need to develop a UN translator for all of this dating stuff.

THASSS FUUUNNNYYYYYY!!!!

[Ideal08]

Best cities for dating
1. Austin, TX
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. San Diego, CA
4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
5. Seattle, WA
6. Charleston, SC
7. Norfolk, VA
8. Ann Arbor, MI
9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

Worst cities for dating
1. Kansas City, MO
2. Wichita, KS
3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
4. Detroit, MI
5. Louisville, KY
6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Pittsburgh, PA
9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC