What do you feel like saying, right now?

[Phrozen Sands]

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

I think she means that sometimes you just need to vent, but don't need a solution. TKEGuy and I have gotten in the habit of asking "Do you need to vent or do you want help finding a solution?" Sometimes, you really just need to tell the story and get your feelings out.

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross.

He had to step it up when I left because he wanted 50-50 custody of the kids. I think that's when he realized how much I really did do around the house. When his (now wife) moved into the house, my son informed me "The quality of living has gone up significantly" LOL

Y'all need to understand- He was a boomer and I'm the first year of GenX. Times were very different. I was really the first generation where a lot more women went to work. Most of our moms were stay at home moms and they did the housework and the dads earned the money and those were the expected roles. As women pushed to go to work and continue working with kids, it took the guys a while to get with the program. People rarely lived out on their own before they got married (I did, for a year, before my first marriage). They got married during college or immediately after college and moved into a place together for the first time. Things were very very different then.

The way things are going in this country, you'll understand in a couple years what things were like when I was a kid... I'm afraid.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross..

So, he seriously let his toilet turn into a full-blown biohazard zone, looked at it every single day for half a decade, and never once thought, “Hmmm… maybe I should clean this?” That toilet needed a CDC intervention. And the worst part? He thought it was BROKEN. Like, sir… toilets don’t just “turn brown.” That’s not a plumbing issue, that’s a cleaning issue. Like, seriously.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I think she means that sometimes you just need to vent, but don't need a solution. TKEGuy and I have gotten in the habit of asking "Do you need to vent or do you want help finding a solution?" Sometimes, you really just need to tell the story and get your feelings out.

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross.

He had to step it up when I left because he wanted 50-50 custody of the kids. I think that's when he realized how much I really did do around the house. When his (now wife) moved into the house, my son informed me "The quality of living has gone up significantly" LOL

Y'all need to understand- He was a boomer and I'm the first year of GenX. Times were very different. I was really the first generation where a lot more women went to work. Most of our moms were stay at home moms and they did the housework and the dads earned the money and those were the expected roles. As women pushed to go to work and continue working with kids, it took the guys a while to get with the program. People rarely lived out on their own before they got married (I did, for a year, before my first marriage). They got married during college or immediately after college and moved into a place together for the first time. Things were very very different then.

The way things are going in this country, you'll understand in a couple years what things were like when I was a kid... I'm afraid.

See, if I were him, I’d have a huge problem with you telling me to pick two rooms to be responsible for cleaning. I’d respond to you by telling you I’m not going to pick any room to be responsible for and neither are you. You and I both are going to be responsible for keeping the entire house clean together.

That’s why I’m not going to marry because women always want to call the shots. When my ex moved in with me, she immediately went into control mode. If I were your ex, I’d see that as talking to me like I’m a child with a damn chore list. And I’m supposed to be the man of the house. He was obviously a lukewarm, weak dude.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

lol
Okay, so…. we generally talk to process, not to problem solve. But when we need a fix, we’ll let you know. The key is listening first, fixing second. I mean, some women actually do want advice right away, but they usually make it clear when they do. When guys talk, it’s usually to exchange information or solve an issue. When we talk, it’s often to build connection and feel supported. So like, if a guy jumps into “fix it mode” too fast, for me, that can feel like he’s dismissing my feelings. But I’ve learned to communicate more directly with my husband over time. Less guessing, more talking.

What you just said here, CG, is why I’m single.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

So, he seriously let his toilet turn into a full-blown biohazard zone, looked at it every single day for half a decade, and never once thought, “Hmmm… maybe I should clean this?” That toilet needed a CDC intervention. And the worst part? He thought it was BROKEN. Like, sir… toilets don’t just “turn brown.” That’s not a plumbing issue, that’s a cleaning issue. Like, seriously.

LMFAO! I literally was crying my ass off laughing at this LOL! CG, you’re a trip.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

See, if I were him, I’d have a huge problem with you telling me to pick two rooms to be responsible for cleaning. I’d respond to you by telling you I’m not going to pick any room to be responsible for and neither are you. You and I both are going to be responsible for keeping the entire house clean together.

That’s why I’m not going to marry because women always want to call the shots. When my ex moved in with me, she immediately went into control mode. If I were your ex, I’d see that as talking to me like I’m a child with a damn chore list. And I’m supposed to be the man of the house. He was obviously a lukewarm, weak dude.

What you just said here, CG, is why I’m single.

LMFAO! I literally was crying my ass off laughing at this LOL! CG, you’re a trip.

Oh puhleeze- it was a discussion of how we were going to split up the housework. He said he would take responsibility for a couple rooms and he would do the outdoor stuff. I told him he could pick which rooms. If he had said we'd both do the whole house, then I'd have done absolutely everything and it would have been a nightmare because he didn't even clean the two rooms he CHOSE.

[Zach]

I’m a neat freak. My first wife liked neat like me. My second wife was ridiculously nasty. She’d accumulate 7-8 bags of trash a week. It got to the point to where it’d accumulate so much, I had to start dumping some of it in my job’s dumpster.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Oh puhleeze- it was a discussion of how we were going to split up the housework. He said he would take responsibility for a couple rooms and he would do the outdoor stuff. I told him he could pick which rooms. If he had said we'd both do the whole house, then I'd have done absolutely everything and it would have been a nightmare because he didn't even clean the two rooms he CHOSE.

My bad. I thought you were giving dude chores like my girl tried doing to me, in my own damn house.

Originally Posted by Zach

I’m a neat freak. My first wife liked neat like me. My second wife was ridiculously nasty. She’d accumulate 7-8 bags of trash a week. It got to the point to where it’d accumulate so much, I had to start dumping some of it in my job’s dumpster.

LOL damn dude, WTH was she doing to accumulate that many bags of garbage? That’s crazy.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

lol
Okay, so…. we generally talk to process, not to problem solve. But when we need a fix, we’ll let you know. The key is listening first, fixing second. I mean, some women actually do want advice right away, but they usually make it clear when they do. When guys talk, it’s usually to exchange information or solve an issue. When we talk, it’s often to build connection and feel supported. So like, if a guy jumps into “fix it mode” too fast, for me, that can feel like he’s dismissing my feelings. But I’ve learned to communicate more directly with my husband over time. Less guessing, more talking.