What do you feel like saying, right now?

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

WIFLSRN: I just got out of the most glorious bath, courtesy of my husband, who was still thinking about me even while he was gone. He knew how stressed I was handling everything solo, so while he was away, he picked up some “Diptyque Precious Oils for Bath and Body” and a bottle of “Chanel No. 5 The Bath”, already planning to give me a break when he got back.

And tonight? He made it happen. He ran the bath, poured in the bubble bath, added the Diptyque oil once I was in, set everything up, handed me a warm towel like some kind of five-star spa attendant, lol, and told me to just relax. So, I just stared at the bottles and asked, “Oh God, what did you do?” because I know that kind of luxury doesn’t come cheap.

Five days of stress, and he comes home making sure I get taken care of too? I couldn’t be more grateful.

That said, guess who’s not waking up for my Saturday coffee meet tomorrow morning? THIS GIRL. After that relaxing bath, I’m about to pass out like a phone on 1% with no charger in sight.

LMAO! CG is in her world now. How often does he have to go on trips for work? If y’all had stayed in Michigan he wouldn’t have to travel there.

I’ll bet you couldn’t wait to get in that empty bed with hubby now back in it.

Originally Posted by AGDee

Yeah, second husband was useless. The only thing he knew how to cook when we got married was fried eggs and toast. He called me once to ask me how to make kraft mac & cheese when I was working on a Saturday. I had to talk him through it. He also called to ask how to turn the dryer on. He was the biggest slob on the planet. Back then, he had to wear suits to work. He would walk in the front door and take his suit coat off and leave it on the chair at the computer desk. Walk into the dining room and take his tie off and leave it on a dining room chair, walk into the family room and leave his shirt on the love seat. Sit down in "his chair" and take his shoes and socks off and leave them there. Sat there in his work pants and a white undershirt while he watched TV. Never picked up any of that crap.

He was WORK. He worked late every night. I'd feed the kids their food around 5:30 and then make our dinner. He'd get home between 6:30 and 7:00 and sometimes he ate what I made and sometimes he would say "I'm not in the mood for xxxx" (even when it was something he liked) and he'd leave and get take out mexican or spaghetti or something. Useless. Absolutely useless.

I did bath time with the kids, bed time with the kids. I took them to daycare and picked them up every single day. Took them to school and picked them up from latch key every single day. Ridiculous.

ROTFLMFAO! I hollered! Did you know all this before you married dude? How long did you stay married to him? Who asked for the divorce, you or him? You only talked about this dude lightweight. Said very little about him. This reads more like you were his mother than his wife. I know a lot of dudes who are having this problem and complain about their wives acting like they’re their moms. It’s funny as hell, but they’ll be pissed about it while they’re telling me stories. One of them complains how his wife leaves notes for him on the fridge with a list of chores to do, like he’s a child LOL!

I was watching a documentary on marriage a minute ago, and it was talking about how women observe the dudes they’re with. They’ll watch everything he does and how he handles situations and turn begin to formulate opinions about him. That’s why I’m not married LOL.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Yeah, second husband was useless. The only thing he knew how to cook when we got married was fried eggs and toast. He called me once to ask me how to make kraft mac & cheese when I was working on a Saturday. I had to talk him through it. He also called to ask how to turn the dryer on. He was the biggest slob on the planet. Back then, he had to wear suits to work. He would walk in the front door and take his suit coat off and leave it on the chair at the computer desk. Walk into the dining room and take his tie off and leave it on a dining room chair, walk into the family room and leave his shirt on the love seat. Sit down in "his chair" and take his shoes and socks off and leave them there. Sat there in his work pants and a white undershirt while he watched TV. Never picked up any of that crap.

He was WORK. He worked late every night. I'd feed the kids their food around 5:30 and then make our dinner. He'd get home between 6:30 and 7:00 and sometimes he ate what I made and sometimes he would say "I'm not in the mood for xxxx" (even when it was something he liked) and he'd leave and get take out mexican or spaghetti or something. Useless. Absolutely useless.

I did bath time with the kids, bed time with the kids. I took them to daycare and picked them up every single day. Took them to school and picked them up from latch key every single day. Ridiculous.

I remember you posting that he called you a lot to fix things. I agree with Phrozen. You seemed to be more like a mother/wife to him. Did you ever tell him how you felt about cleaning up after him? And like, how you felt you did everything?

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

LMAO! CG is in her world now. How often does he have to go on trips for work? If y’all had stayed in Michigan he wouldn’t have to travel there.

I’ll bet you couldn’t wait to get in that empty bed with hubby now back in it.

lol
Yes! I’m just now waking up. I slept SO good. I mean, I thought I’d wake up to some kind of background noise, but instead * crickets *. Everyone’s gone, so I checked my phone and saw this text from my hubby. I laughed SO hard. I just cut and pasted his text below. HILARIOUS!


Hey babe,

Took the kids out for breakfast and to the mall to ride the rides since you were still in a coma. I tried waking you, but you didn’t budge, and for a second, I thought I was gonna have to start making some phone calls. Even put my finger under your nose to check if you were still with us. Scared me half to death. Good news, you’re alive. Bad news, I think I aged five years. Hope you’re well-rested.

Love you

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

LMAO! CG is in her world now. How often does he have to go on trips for work? If y’all had stayed in Michigan he wouldn’t have to travel there.

Totally forgot to reply to this part of your post, Phrozen. Sorry.

Not often. When we lived in Michigan he still traveled, but to their Newport Beach, CA location. It wasn’t often back then either, but he still would have to travel for work. It’s just that when he did travel for work, it was easier for me because we didn’t have any kids back then.

[Zach]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

ROTFLMFAO! I hollered! Did you know all this before you married dude? How long did you stay married to him? Who asked for the divorce, you or him? You only talked about this dude lightweight. Said very little about him. This reads more like you were his mother than his wife. I know a lot of dudes who are having this problem and complain about their wives acting like they’re their moms. It’s funny as hell, but they’ll be pissed about it while they’re telling me stories. One of them complains how his wife leaves notes for him on the fridge with a list of chores to do, like he’s a child LOL!

I was watching a documentary on marriage a minute ago, and it was talking about how women observe the dudes they’re with. They’ll watch everything he does and how he handles situations and turn begin to formulate opinions about him. That’s why I’m not married LOL.

The part about women constantly observing and judging their man is very true. Instead of working through issues, they silently form opinions and let anger and resentment grow until they check out emotionally and leave. That’s why a lot of men get blindsided by divorce. They didn’t even know their wife had been keeping score the whole time.

Your last line about choosing not to get married is the real punchline. You clearly understand that modern marriage is a raw deal for men, and a lot of dudes (not just you) are choosing to avoid the risks altogether. Smart move on your part.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

lol
Yes! I’m just now waking up. I slept SO good. I mean, I thought I’d wake up to some kind of background noise, but instead * crickets *. Everyone’s gone, so I checked my phone and saw this text from my hubby. I laughed SO hard. I just cut and pasted his text below. HILARIOUS!


Hey babe,

Took the kids out for breakfast and to the mall to ride the rides since you were still in a coma. I tried waking you, but you didn’t budge, and for a second, I thought I was gonna have to start making some phone calls. Even put my finger under your nose to check if you were still with us. Scared me half to death. Good news, you’re alive. Bad news, I think I aged five years. Hope you’re well-rested.

Love you

LMAO @ putting his finger under your nose. I hollered!

Originally Posted by Zach

The part about women constantly observing and judging their man is very true. Instead of working through issues, they silently form opinions and let anger and resentment grow until they check out emotionally and leave. That’s why a lot of men get blindsided by divorce. They didn’t even know their wife had been keeping score the whole time.

Your last line about choosing not to get married is the real punchline. You clearly understand that modern marriage is a raw deal for men, and a lot of dudes (not just you) are choosing to avoid the risks altogether. Smart move on your part.

Yeah, that’s that ESP shit. I’m not a mind reader. I hate it when chicks put that mind reading bs into everything. TALK! Tell me WTF is wrong? Like I’m supposed to automatically know what’s on her mind.

[cheerfulgreek]

WIFLSRN: I’m watching the MSU/Wisconsin game. We’re up by 8 points!

[cheerfulgreek]

We won! Woohoo! GOOOOOOOO SPARTANS!

[cheerfulgreek]

HILARIOUS!
https://youtu.be/CUpOMSJ1MdU

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

ROTFLMFAO! I hollered! Did you know all this before you married dude? How long did you stay married to him? Who asked for the divorce, you or him? You only talked about this dude lightweight. Said very little about him. This reads more like you were his mother than his wife. I know a lot of dudes who are having this problem and complain about their wives acting like they’re their moms. It’s funny as hell, but they’ll be pissed about it while they’re telling me stories. One of them complains how his wife leaves notes for him on the fridge with a list of chores to do, like he’s a child LOL!

I was watching a documentary on marriage a minute ago, and it was talking about how women observe the dudes they’re with. They’ll watch everything he does and how he handles situations and turn begin to formulate opinions about him. That’s why I’m not married LOL.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I remember you posting that he called you a lot to fix things. I agree with Phrozen. You seemed to be more like a mother/wife to him. Did you ever tell him how you felt about cleaning up after him? And like, how you felt you did everything?


lol
Yes! I’m just now waking up. I slept SO good. I mean, I thought I’d wake up to some kind of background noise, but instead * crickets *. Everyone’s gone, so I checked my phone and saw this text from my hubby. I laughed SO hard. I just cut and pasted his text below. HILARIOUS!


Hey babe,

Took the kids out for breakfast and to the mall to ride the rides since you were still in a coma. I tried waking you, but you didn’t budge, and for a second, I thought I was gonna have to start making some phone calls. Even put my finger under your nose to check if you were still with us. Scared me half to death. Good news, you’re alive. Bad news, I think I aged five years. Hope you’re well-rested.

Love you

I met him 3 weeks after his mom passed. He was living with his mom & dad, working full time and in grad school working on an MBA. I knew his mom did a lot for him, and knew his dad took over the cooking after the mom passed, but I didn't realize how totally useless he was. And of course I didn't know what a slob he was. You can't know this stuff until you live together.

As for talking to him about it all- he didn't really care if the clothes were all over the house. He would be fine living in that chaos. We did go to marriage counseling at 3 different times (for months each time, not like 3 sessions). The last time, we were each going alone once a week and once together. It helped me understand why he was a hot mess, but I couldn't live with his complete inability to function as a cooperative family unit. His childhood was very complicated and he went from basically raising himself to having his parents wait on his every whim. It really messed him up. He had the balls to tell me once that I did nothing. So I went on strike and showed him how things would really look if I did nothing. Dayam, I was up at 5 am to get ready for work and got the kids up and dressed and fed for the day before he even got out of bed. I took them to latch key or day care. I'd pick them up on my way home from work and we'd get home around 5:30 and I'd feed them, get them going on homework, etc. I'd make dinner for us as mentioned earlier. After we ate, I bathed the kids and got them ready for bed. I was exhausted all the time.

We were married for 7 years and I was the one who wanted the divorce.

Originally Posted by Zach

The part about women constantly observing and judging their man is very true. Instead of working through issues, they silently form opinions and let anger and resentment grow until they check out emotionally and leave. That’s why a lot of men get blindsided by divorce. They didn’t even know their wife had been keeping score the whole time.

Your last line about choosing not to get married is the real punchline. You clearly understand that modern marriage is a raw deal for men, and a lot of dudes (not just you) are choosing to avoid the risks altogether. Smart move on your part.

I think they say something quite often but some men have very selective hearing. One thing I said to my ex during marriage counseling is that I wished he would hear me when I talked to him. He only heard me when I yelled. I hated that it ever got to that point. I didn't want to be yelling all the time. He was incapable of seeing something that needed to be done and doing it. That's not true of all men.

If I ever get married again, I will be hiring a cleaning lady because I'm not cleaning up after someone else ever again.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I met him 3 weeks after his mom passed. He was living with his mom & dad, working full time and in grad school working on an MBA. I knew his mom did a lot for him, and knew his dad took over the cooking after the mom passed, but I didn't realize how totally useless he was. And of course I didn't know what a slob he was. You can't know this stuff until you live together.

As for talking to him about it all- he didn't really care if the clothes were all over the house. He would be fine living in that chaos. We did go to marriage counseling at 3 different times (for months each time, not like 3 sessions). The last time, we were each going alone once a week and once together. It helped me understand why he was a hot mess, but I couldn't live with his complete inability to function as a cooperative family unit. His childhood was very complicated and he went from basically raising himself to having his parents wait on his every whim. It really messed him up. He had the balls to tell me once that I did nothing. So I went on strike and showed him how things would really look if I did nothing. Dayam, I was up at 5 am to get ready for work and got the kids up and dressed and fed for the day before he even got out of bed. I took them to latch key or day care. I'd pick them up on my way home from work and we'd get home around 5:30 and I'd feed them, get them going on homework, etc. I'd make dinner for us as mentioned earlier. After we ate, I bathed the kids and got them ready for bed. I was exhausted all the time.

We were married for 7 years and I was the one who wanted the divorce.
.

Aye Yai Yai. Your ex sounds like a mess, Dee. It just sounds like he was raised in a way that didn’t prepare him for marriage or fatherhood. So, when you were dating him, did you ask him how much he contributed at home?

There are like a million red flags with him that I see in just your post alone. If I was dating a guy like that, before I committed to him, I’d have been like…. ✌

Originally Posted by amIblue?

You scored a good one, no doubt. I also have a hunch that you treasure him as much as he treasures you. Best wishes to both of you and your (no doubt) beautiful family.

Thank you, amIblue? Yes, I did. My husband is my heart, my home, and along with my kids, he is my greatest blessing. I don’t just love him, I admire him, respect him, and I am so grateful for the life we’ve built together. He always puts so much thought into making me feel loved, and I make sure to do the same for him every day. He is truly my rock.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Wait… so dude thought it was normal to be messy like that? He sounds lazy as hell. For real.

lol
So yeah, and this isn’t directed to Dee, but just in general. I just think before marrying someone, pay attention to how they already live their life. If a guy isn’t independent before marriage, he won’t magically become independent after marriage. And then like, if he’s messy, disorganized, or lacks initiative before marriage, don’t expect a ring to change that.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

I’m not saying you because you seem like a good woman. But I do think dudes communicate and hear differently than women do. I just don’t like it when chicks assume that I should know what they’re trying to say. Women are more detail-oriented than dudes. We’re simple and so we see things in a simplistic way, and like to be communicated to that way.

So yeah, in my experience with my hubby, guys seem to listen beyond the words. Honestly, I’m not always looking for a fix. Sometimes, I just want him to acknowledge how I feel.

So, over the last 17 years together (almost 12 of those years married), I’ve learned to be direct with him. If I need something, I just say it. No hints, no tests, no “he should just know.”

Just say what you mean, and some guys will surprise you. But I’m sure there are still some that are totally incompetent and clueless, lol.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Yeah, she definitely got a good dude. For real. CG peeped that and nabbed him up real quick LOL!

After I met his family, yes. Once I saw how his family was, I was like… he’s mine.

[Phrozen Sands]

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

I think she means that sometimes you just need to vent, but don't need a solution. TKEGuy and I have gotten in the habit of asking "Do you need to vent or do you want help finding a solution?" Sometimes, you really just need to tell the story and get your feelings out.

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross.

He had to step it up when I left because he wanted 50-50 custody of the kids. I think that's when he realized how much I really did do around the house. When his (now wife) moved into the house, my son informed me "The quality of living has gone up significantly" LOL

Y'all need to understand- He was a boomer and I'm the first year of GenX. Times were very different. I was really the first generation where a lot more women went to work. Most of our moms were stay at home moms and they did the housework and the dads earned the money and those were the expected roles. As women pushed to go to work and continue working with kids, it took the guys a while to get with the program. People rarely lived out on their own before they got married (I did, for a year, before my first marriage). They got married during college or immediately after college and moved into a place together for the first time. Things were very very different then.

The way things are going in this country, you'll understand in a couple years what things were like when I was a kid... I'm afraid.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross..

So, he seriously let his toilet turn into a full-blown biohazard zone, looked at it every single day for half a decade, and never once thought, “Hmmm… maybe I should clean this?” That toilet needed a CDC intervention. And the worst part? He thought it was BROKEN. Like, sir… toilets don’t just “turn brown.” That’s not a plumbing issue, that’s a cleaning issue. Like, seriously.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I think she means that sometimes you just need to vent, but don't need a solution. TKEGuy and I have gotten in the habit of asking "Do you need to vent or do you want help finding a solution?" Sometimes, you really just need to tell the story and get your feelings out.

I knew he didn't have to do much at home because others did it. I didn't know he wasn't capable or wouldn't step up. When we got married, I told him to pick two rooms that he'd be responsible for cleaning. He picked our bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. I rarely used that bathroom. About 5 years later, he tells me need a new toilet upstairs. I ask what's wrong with it. He says "It's all brown inside". I said "Have you CLEANED it?" SO gross.

He had to step it up when I left because he wanted 50-50 custody of the kids. I think that's when he realized how much I really did do around the house. When his (now wife) moved into the house, my son informed me "The quality of living has gone up significantly" LOL

Y'all need to understand- He was a boomer and I'm the first year of GenX. Times were very different. I was really the first generation where a lot more women went to work. Most of our moms were stay at home moms and they did the housework and the dads earned the money and those were the expected roles. As women pushed to go to work and continue working with kids, it took the guys a while to get with the program. People rarely lived out on their own before they got married (I did, for a year, before my first marriage). They got married during college or immediately after college and moved into a place together for the first time. Things were very very different then.

The way things are going in this country, you'll understand in a couple years what things were like when I was a kid... I'm afraid.

See, if I were him, I’d have a huge problem with you telling me to pick two rooms to be responsible for cleaning. I’d respond to you by telling you I’m not going to pick any room to be responsible for and neither are you. You and I both are going to be responsible for keeping the entire house clean together.

That’s why I’m not going to marry because women always want to call the shots. When my ex moved in with me, she immediately went into control mode. If I were your ex, I’d see that as talking to me like I’m a child with a damn chore list. And I’m supposed to be the man of the house. He was obviously a lukewarm, weak dude.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

lol
Okay, so…. we generally talk to process, not to problem solve. But when we need a fix, we’ll let you know. The key is listening first, fixing second. I mean, some women actually do want advice right away, but they usually make it clear when they do. When guys talk, it’s usually to exchange information or solve an issue. When we talk, it’s often to build connection and feel supported. So like, if a guy jumps into “fix it mode” too fast, for me, that can feel like he’s dismissing my feelings. But I’ve learned to communicate more directly with my husband over time. Less guessing, more talking.

What you just said here, CG, is why I’m single.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

So, he seriously let his toilet turn into a full-blown biohazard zone, looked at it every single day for half a decade, and never once thought, “Hmmm… maybe I should clean this?” That toilet needed a CDC intervention. And the worst part? He thought it was BROKEN. Like, sir… toilets don’t just “turn brown.” That’s not a plumbing issue, that’s a cleaning issue. Like, seriously.

LMFAO! I literally was crying my ass off laughing at this LOL! CG, you’re a trip.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

What do you mean by we listen beyond words, CG? See, I don’t like that whole y’all don’t want anything fixed shit, y’all just want us to listen. Listen to what? Why even bring it up if y’all don’t want anything?

lol
Okay, so…. we generally talk to process, not to problem solve. But when we need a fix, we’ll let you know. The key is listening first, fixing second. I mean, some women actually do want advice right away, but they usually make it clear when they do. When guys talk, it’s usually to exchange information or solve an issue. When we talk, it’s often to build connection and feel supported. So like, if a guy jumps into “fix it mode” too fast, for me, that can feel like he’s dismissing my feelings. But I’ve learned to communicate more directly with my husband over time. Less guessing, more talking.