another wedding thread...bridesmaids questions

[ASTalumna06]

A question for those of you who have been bridesmaids, and for those of you who have had bridesmaids at your own wedding:

How much money do you think a bridesmaid should spend on a wedding?

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in September. I live in TX, and the bride (and the wedding) are in NH. All of the bridesmaids are out-of-state, and the MOH is the only one who also lives in NH (there are a total of 8 of us). Most of us are far enough away where flights will have to be booked to get there.

The bridal shower/bachelorette party is in July. I will have to fly in for that, as well. We've just been informed that we have to cover the cost of the invitations, cake, and decorations for the shower, which is taking place at a nice country club.

We all have different dresses, but all of them were over $200. They were ordered from a bridal shop that is only in NH and they're being delivered there. So during the shower/party weekend, I have to find time to get to the store and try on my dress, which I'm pretty sure won't fit anyway (they don't design the dress specifically to your measurements). And the store doesn't do alterations, so I'll probably have to drag the dress back to TX, have it altered, then ship it back to NJ where my parents can watch over it until the wedding weekend. We've also been asked to buy a certain color shoe, even though the dresses are floor-length, and no one will probably see our feet anyway.

Also, the wedding is on a Friday, so I'll have to take an extra day off from work.

Between the dress, shoes, bachelorette party, bridal shower, gifts, hotels, rental cars, flights (for both me and my significant other), I figure I'm already in this thing for at least $3,000.

On top of that, I've had to turn down invites to two other weddings this year because I simply can't afford to attend them.

It just seems like the costs keep piling up. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is getting outrageous?

Perhaps it's because I can't even see myself spending $3,000 on my own wedding...

[carnation]

One of my daughters has been a bridesmaid in maybe 11 weddings? She's so tired of spending hundreds on other people's weddings. Bridesmaiding has gotten way out of hand.

[OPhiAGinger]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

The bridal shower/bachelorette party is in July. I will have to fly in for that, as well. We've just been informed that we have to cover the cost of the invitations, cake, and decorations for the shower, which is taking place at a nice country club….

Between the dress, shoes, bachelorette party, bridal shower, gifts, hotels, rental cars, flights (for both me and my significant other), I figure I'm already in this thing for at least $3,000….

It just seems like the costs keep piling up. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is getting outrageous?

Where I come from, wedding showers are hosted by people who are close to the bride who offer to do so. That's not what you signed up for and you need to make that clear. To manage the bride's (and MOH's) expectations about your shower participation, respond just like any other "guest" -- that you regret that you can't join them for the shower and that it sounds like tons of fun, but that you are looking forward to seeing them at the wedding itself. Then have the horrible BM dress shipped to you in Texas so you can get the alterations done. If they get bitchy, that's a sign to back out of the whole wedding. Instead, go the other weddings you had mentioned you had to pass on because of finances.

Over the years I've been a flower girl, jr BM, BM (several times), and a MOH. But my all-time favorite wedding role has been as the on-site wedding coordinator. I got to teach the ushers how to usher (seriously), help position the BMs and groomsmen during the rehearsal in the church, and then cue each attendant on when to enter during the actual ceremony. It was the perfect role for someone who likes to control things behind the scenes, and I didn't have to buy a fluffy pastel dress! Not surprisingly, that bride (who happens to be an OPA sister) and I are still super close even though we've moved to opposite ends of the country. We're closer to each other than we are to our blood sisters.