Friend zone or endzone????

[33girl]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I'm not trying to compare people to animals, but I think what a lot females look for in a dude is that "Alpha Male" mentality. Do you ever watch National Geographic? You ever watch two males fighting over a female. She always walks away with the stronger male. I know that's some crazy shit to compare humans to that, but I think it kind of works the same way with people in a sense. Most females look at nice dudes as being kind of soft. They make great friends, but not companions.

Lots of the guys who complain "she only wants a player, she doesn't want a nice guy" are really NOT that big of a catch. They're passive aggressive, or they want a girl to make all the decisions (i.e. they want a mommy who they can also have sex with). Or they think just because they look great on paper, girls should be falling all over them. Sexual attraction is something you can't make happen.

Being nice does not mean being a doormat, but some guys just don't get that. If a girl is rude or mean to you or keeps jerking you (or other guys, for that matter) around, call her on her shit. She'll respect you a lot more. Part of the reason I'm friends with the guys I'm friends with is they will, always, call me on my crap. If they just sat around saying "oh honey, that's so awful, here let me buy you a drink and a Dairy Queen blizzard and we can talk about it" I wouldn't want to be around them for a minute.

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Sexual attraction is something you can't make happen

This and everything else. Call it chemistry, fireworks, spark or whatever. A guy/romantic interest can be great but if we don't hit it off then we can't force it.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Lots of the guys who complain "she only wants a player, she doesn't want a nice guy" are really NOT that big of a catch. They're passive aggressive, or they want a girl to make all the decisions (i.e. they want a mommy who they can also have sex with). Or they think just because they look great on paper, girls should be falling all over them. Sexual attraction is something you can't make happen.

Being nice does not mean being a doormat, but some guys just don't get that. If a girl is rude or mean to you or keeps jerking you (or other guys, for that matter) around, call her on her shit. She'll respect you a lot more. Part of the reason I'm friends with the guys I'm friends with is they will, always, call me on my crap. If they just sat around saying "oh honey, that's so awful, here let me buy you a drink and a Dairy Queen blizzard and we can talk about it" I wouldn't want to be around them for a minute.

Originally Posted by WCsweet<3

This and everything else. Call it chemistry, fireworks, spark or whatever. A guy/romantic interest can be great but if we don't hit it off then we can't force it.

Totally agree with both of you. You can't make chemistry happen. It is either there or it isn't, even if a guy is fantastic in every way.

And a lot of the time, the guy saying that nice guys finish last is a doormat or passive aggressive.

[southbymidwest]

Originally Posted by AGDee

And a lot of the time, the guy saying that nice guys finish last is a doormat or passive aggressive.

This. They can also be, as my mother calls them, guilt engineers.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by southbymidwest

This. They can also be, as my mother calls them, guilt engineers.

That's a perfect name for them.

My best friend/college sweetheart constantly gets himself placed in the "friend box." He totally does it to himself. I told him he kids around too much with the girls he likes--he doesn't have to be super serious but the innuendoes and double entendres automatically will put a guy in the friend box. Plus, he tries to help them solve their issues (usually involving other guys). It's just a bad scene but it's his pattern to work out.

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Lots of the guys who complain "she only wants a player, she doesn't want a nice guy" are really NOT that big of a catch. They're passive aggressive, or they want a girl to make all the decisions (i.e. they want a mommy who they can also have sex with). Or they think just because they look great on paper, girls should be falling all over them. Sexual attraction is something you can't make happen.

Being nice does not mean being a doormat, but some guys just don't get that. If a girl is rude or mean to you or keeps jerking you (or other guys, for that matter) around, call her on her shit. She'll respect you a lot more. Part of the reason I'm friends with the guys I'm friends with is they will, always, call me on my crap. If they just sat around saying "oh honey, that's so awful, here let me buy you a drink and a Dairy Queen blizzard and we can talk about it" I wouldn't want to be around them for a minute.

CTFU @ the Dairy Queen blizzard comment. For real, though, I feel you on all of this. I think a lot of nice dudes are scared to call a female out on her shit because they fear being dumped, so they let her run all over him. I've never been that nice dude, but at the same time, I'm not the dude who treats females like shit, either. I treat her how she treats me. I feel y'all on the chemistry part too. That's exactly what it is. If there is no chemistry it isn't going to work, even if dude is your type, or if you think dude is your type. I think a lot of folks like to force it even when they know there is no chemistry. I haven't been with my girl long, but right now I feel like we have chemistry. She dated this one dude for a minute, but she felt he was one of those nice dudes. When she said jump dude said how high, basically. Like you said, she lost respect for dude. That's why I was saying that a lot of females they want that Alpha male mentality dude. I wasn't trying to compare people to animals per se, but that was just something I noticed.

[cheerfulgreek]

For me, it's a lot more than just "chemistry". I just like to make sure that what I'm feeling is real, and not just lust based on good "physical chemistry". I don’t base it just on chemistry after a few dates, because mutual attraction (to me) and/or being deeply in like, neither of these will last past the first major conflict. This is why I do my homework, which takes time. To me, love is not controlled by emotion/chemistry. Contrary to popular thought, I believe love is driven by the decisions of the people involved. Although, I believe that similarities are important, love or how you feel about that person is ruled by the strength of your commitment to your partner, not by what he does or says to stimulate it. While love can grow or diminish based upon what each partner does, I think its consistency should remain grounded in your decision to love, not just based on "chemistry". Love requires you to use your mind as well as your heart. Just because you felt "chemistry" and have committed to each other does not guarantee the relationship will last if you and your partner don’t work at maintaining what you started. Love (to me) isn’t sustained my chemistry, it is maintained by the little things you did, and the way you treated each other when you were still trying to impress/win each other. I just think that it's those little things that you did in the beginning (and continuing to do those things) that establish strong connections and keep love grounded.

With the kindness part, I look for a kind-hearted man with leadership qualities. I do not like passive men. If he's passive about taking the lead (not relying on me to make all the decisions), then he will be passive about other things that are important to me as well. Such as pursuing employment, promotion, or anything else that will move his life forward. I also don't like the so called "bad boy". They are also lame, to me. You should not have to spend the entire courtship telling your partner how to be kind to you. You train children and influence adults –there is a difference. I am not going to be put in a position of being a man's mother, because he already has one. So if the basics are not in place, and he is getting more out of the relationship than I am, then it's time to replace him with someone else. That's just my opinion on it, but to each its own.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I do not like passive men. If he's passive about taking the lead (not relying on me to make all the decisions), then he will be passive about other things that are important to me as well. Such as pursuing employment, promotion, or anything else that will move his life forward. I also don't like the so called "bad boy". They are also lame, to me. You should not have to spend the entire courtship telling your partner how to be kind to you. You train children and influence adults –there is a difference. I am not going to be put in a position of being a man's mother, because he already has one. So if the basics are not in place, and he is getting more out of the relationship than I am, then it's time to replace him with someone else. That's just my opinion on it, but to each its own.