Attraction

Gretchen W · #1 08-09-2011, 03:48 AM

I started a thread a few months ago about a guy, well...tool bag who I was dating for 7 months during that time. Well, long story short and update, we broke up because he just wasn't moving out of his parents house. He had a great job, was doing great things in school etc. he just didn't want to get his own place. and he was lazy when it came to things that were important to me. I even thought it would be cheaper for us to move in together, but he didn't want to do that. He was like a selfish big kid.

New thread, new problem. After we broke up, I've been dating, but I keep dating the same kind of guys. Yes, I'm attracted to them, but why I keep attracting and being attracted to the same tool bag guys is what I'm struggling with. I've been dating the opposite of what I'm used to dating because I was thinking that maybe they would be different. It's weird because they're different from my previous dates/relationships, but yet, they're still tool bags like the previous guys. I'm just wondering if it's me, and what I need to do differently to meet and hopefully get serious with a really good guy. Is anyone else having this problem (meeting the right guy)? If you had this problem how did you change your situation? This really, really sucks. I'm ready to give up.

PiKA2001 · #2 08-09-2011, 04:57 AM

Can you elaborate on what exactly makes these guys all similar tools? From your post it sounds like your old BF wasn't all that bad, he just didn't want to move in with you after dating for 7 months. I think that's understandable since moving in with a partner is kind of a big deal and should really be thought out and shouldn't be done solely out of a desire to save money. That being said, if you are trying to shack up after only dating them a few months, then yes the problem is you.

There is also the possibility that your expectations are too high. No guy or girl is perfect so you have to learn to look past and accept certain undesirable traits as part of your BF's total package. Maybe you can make a list of 5 priorities you want in a mate, and only date the guys that meet at least 3 of those priorities?

DubaiSis · #3 08-09-2011, 10:36 AM

If you believe in karma, there is something in your past lives that still needs to be resolved, and the same person keeps getting presented to you over and over again until you resolve that issue.

To put it in less esoteric terms, you should make a list of the priorities that are important to you, being perfectly honest, and only date guys who meet all of those very important criteria. Don't want to deal with a guy who still lives at home? Don't date him. Not even once. Don't want a lazy douche who spends all of his time high? Easy. Don't. Not even once. If a guys says he doesn't want to get married in an off-hand comment the first time you meet, TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY. Same with having kids, same with moving to Mars.

There's an old (from the 90's or so I think) and freakishly unPC book called The Rules. Read it. You might get a couple of useful nuggets out of it.

And then I'd spend some time thinking about why you think they're tools. Are they, or are your expectations unrealistic. There are no knights in shining armor out there. But there are plenty smart, successful guys out there who work too many hours, have trouble meeting women, and maybe have goofy hair or glasses.

I don't know how many women I know who talk about their first husband as having been hot and drove an awesome car. And had a coke problem and couldn't keep it in his pants. The second husband (or in a couple instances, the third) is where the friends finally figured it out. I skipped that step by waiting until I was well into my 30's to get married. Or maybe I just got lucky.

Drolefille · #4 08-09-2011, 10:39 AM

Oh god The Rules.

Pardon me I'm going to be ill over there.

MysticCat · #5 08-09-2011, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

If you believe in karma, there is something in your past lives that still needs to be resolved, and the same person keeps getting presented to you over and over again until you resolve that issue.

Bummer for that person.

PEP Guy · #6 08-09-2011, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I started a thread a few months ago about a guy, well...tool bag who I was dating for 7 months during that time. Well, long story short and update, we broke up because he just wasn't moving out of his parents house. He had a great job, was doing great things in school etc. he just didn't want to get his own place. and he was lazy when it came to things that were important to me. I even thought it would be cheaper for us to move in together, but he didn't want to do that. He was like a selfish big kid.

New thread, new problem. After we broke up, I've been dating, but I keep dating the same kind of guys. Yes, I'm attracted to them, but why I keep attracting and being attracted to the same tool bag guys is what I'm struggling with. I've been dating the opposite of what I'm used to dating because I was thinking that maybe they would be different. It's weird because they're different from my previous dates/relationships, but yet, they're still tool bags like the previous guys. I'm just wondering if it's me, and what I need to do differently to meet and hopefully get serious with a really good guy. Is anyone else having this problem (meeting the right guy)? If you had this problem how did you change your situation? This really, really sucks. I'm ready to give up.

Your standards are too high. I don't know the men in your life, but based on what you posted, it sounds like they follow the rules of the game but don't know the art of the game. Pimping. You also need to understand the difference between the good guy, the nice guy, and of course...the pimp. I'll be more than happy to elaborate and bring some light to this if you're not grasping what I mean. Once you get an understanding of this, it will help you become successful and eliminate the problem you are having.

katydidKD · #7 08-09-2011, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PEP Guy

Your standards are too high. I don't know the men in your life, but based on what you posted, it sounds like they follow the rules of the game but don't know the art of the game. Pimping. You also need to understand the difference between the good guy, the nice guy, and of course...the pimp. I'll be more than happy to elaborate and bring some light to this if you're not grasping what I mean. Once you get an understanding of this, it will help you become successful and eliminate the problem you are having.

Just say no to this OP.

DrPhil · #8 08-09-2011, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

After we broke up, I've been dating, but I keep dating the same kind of guys. Yes, I'm attracted to them, but why I keep attracting and being attracted to the same tool bag guys is what I'm struggling with. I've been dating the opposite of what I'm used to dating because I was thinking that maybe they would be different. It's weird because they're different from my previous dates/relationships, but yet, they're still tool bags like the previous guys. I'm just wondering if it's me, and what I need to do differently to meet and hopefully get serious with a really good guy. Is anyone else having this problem (meeting the right guy)? If you had this problem how did you change your situation? This really, really sucks. I'm ready to give up.

Of course the problem is you. You're the common denominator. Good luck figuring out what is wrong with you. GC is not your counseling session.

cheerfulgreek · #9 08-09-2011, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I started a thread a few months ago about a guy, well...tool bag who I was dating for 7 months during that time. Well, long story short and update, we broke up because he just wasn't moving out of his parents house. He had a great job, was doing great things in school etc. he just didn't want to get his own place. and he was lazy when it came to things that were important to me. I even thought it would be cheaper for us to move in together, but he didn't want to do that. He was like a selfish big kid.

New thread, new problem. After we broke up, I've been dating, but I keep dating the same kind of guys. Yes, I'm attracted to them, but why I keep attracting and being attracted to the same tool bag guys is what I'm struggling with. I've been dating the opposite of what I'm used to dating because I was thinking that maybe they would be different. It's weird because they're different from my previous dates/relationships, but yet, they're still tool bags like the previous guys. I'm just wondering if it's me, and what I need to do differently to meet and hopefully get serious with a really good guy. Is anyone else having this problem (meeting the right guy)? If you had this problem how did you change your situation? This really, really sucks. I'm ready to give up.

Your views on what's attractive, depending on how long you've been single, may change over time. You can be attracted to the wrong person for a number of reasons. A lot of times, when people don't know who they are (not necessarily you), they tend to look for features in other people that they lack themselves or for qualities that they feel will give them validation with others. I think the bottom line is your own neediness can push you to be attracted to someone whom, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't give the time of day. It's just that if you haven't eaten for a while, a cracker can give the appeal of filet mignon, so don't be fooled by men who you think you're attracted to while you are in a needy state.

eta: just make sure that what attracts you is in agreement with your values and is able to fulfill your long-term needs.