How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[honeychile]

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a really good article. I love that letter to a legacy. What a great message! Very panhellenic. It's a message that needs to get out to alums of all our organizations, because our legacies and our organizations depend on it.

[carnation]

Originally Posted by honeychile

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a great Tri Delt/ADPi article! It is kind of weird when one of your daughters (or 6, lol) pledge other groups..I remember thinking when the oldest first pledged, okay pandas, I have to look for panda stuff, this feels so odd even though we and she loved her new sisters. For some reason, it never occurred to me before recruitment that of course she wasn't going to be a Pi Phi, her school didn't have it. Actually, we never looked to see which sororities they had until 3 months before she started there. Possibly due to the fact that I'd had a baby in March, haha.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by carnation

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

Certainly possible (although I'm including plenty of PNMs who weren't raised like that in my conceptualization) but again, no matter how much we understand that anger you don't condone someone having a bad day at work coming home and kicking the dog. And we shouldn't be supporting the idea that it's betrayal. They have their right to feel what they feel but at some point the thought process has to kick back in and they have to be the ones with the perspective. Particularly when their next step is posting about it on facebook, calling and yelling at active members, etc. someone needs to give them a wake up call. The sorority didn't betray them or their daughters.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me.

There ya go. When it's your daughter, it's totally different from any other relative. It's hard to explain the depth of the feeling...even when you're prepared, it's difficult.

My chapter was no longer at daughter's school (would could have been a blessing - whst if she didn't like them?!?)...I couldn't believe how jealous I felt at seeing other mothers whose daughters pledged their sorority...that I would not get that experience of pinning my badge on my daughter at initiation. It defied logic.

However...I certainly don't condone chewing out a chapter because your feelings were hurt.

It's like trying to get the PNMs to keep an open mind. They're listening, but they don't really hear you.

[Barbie's_Rush]

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

[agzg]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

My guess would be that the mom's who do the over-dramatized, "I'm not paying for any sorority but ABC," "HOW DARE YOU CUT MY DAUGHTER!?!!" thing are probably either A. used to getting their way, so they think a bid is guaranteed, or B. completely self-centered and have a feeling of high entitlement, so they think a bid is guaranteed.

It's one thing to be a little hurt (or hurting, or let down, or whatever) if your daughter is cut by the chapter on her campus, or the chapter on your own campus, but I would guess that the cray cray mamas are in the minority. Of course, what do I know?

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

in my experience, we had better had a very good reason and an equally good explanation for doing so. not so today.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

in my experience, we had better had a very good reason and an equally good explanation for doing so. not so today.

This was my experience in the past. You had to have a really good reason to release a legacy. Of course, this in a lot of ways was local tradition more so than AOII rules.

[Happy Mom]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

[Nanners52674]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

Wow, 20 to 30 letters of rec. Is that considered a lot? (my chapter doesn't get recs)

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

We were told in the 70's (by National) that unless a legacy had something horribly wrong with them, we had to take them. Until last year, none of My Sisters (who have been meeting for reunions for years) had any idea that the policy had changed. 20 to 30 recommendations were sent from all My Sisters who had watched my daughter grow up, I drove across Country to be there when my daughter got her bid and she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning. I don't think I have ever been so shocked or devastated in my life. If I had received any warning at all, I could have prepared both of us. I never even received a call from the Chapter to tell me she was being released. The pain and hurt I felt is indescribable. I have three sons and she was my only daughter. There were only 8 Legacies going through RUSH and only one other direct Chapter legacy. She is a very resilient young lady and bounced back by getting involved and running for office at the University. She harbors no ill will toward the girls in the Chapter and has become friends with many. I would have loved for her to pledge any of the Sororities. I just wish I had been on this Website and read these forums before she went through Recruitment. My fault that I was blindsided. I am volunteering to help with RUSH this year at the Chapter and love all the girls so everything is fine now but even now, I still get physically sick when I think of the disappointment.

That's really unfortunate that you two didn't know beforehand...I'm sure it would've been a softer experience if you had. . I understand that larger chapters can't spend a lot of time on personal contact when they release a legacy because they probably release tons of them, but I remember that when we dropped a legacy (which I believe only happened twice incidentally) the mother was called. One apparently went ballistic because she was under the impression that her daughter would get an automatic bid because she was a legacy and was incredibly rude to anyone and everyone she could get in contact with. Headcase. The other was far more reasonable. Her daughter didn't seem to want to be there and was dropped. I think she must have known her daughter really wanted to be in a different chapter on campus and I honestly think the girl was revealed when we dropped her because she could accept a bid from the chapter she really wanted without feeling guilty...so in that instance, it ended up being a good situation all around.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Happy Mom

she was released by receiving a voicemail that morning

No one should be released by voicemail.