How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[ellebud]

Do you like the girl going through recruitment? Is she nice/intelligent (other than being under her mother's thumb?)?/and a possible good addition to a house? I would write a rec for her anyway. And after recruitment is over (especially if she joins the house that you gave a rec for) show the mom the rec.

After this girl leaves home, with or without recruitment, she is going to change. And perhaps she will be interested in other house and perhaps not. You will help give her options. As for her mother........omg......I think that I know moms like her.

[turqwind]

Just saying as a mother of two wonderful teenaged children, are you sure the girl wasn't "stretching the wool" a little bit? I agree if the writer really likes this girl and wants to write her a rec, call the Mom and offer. The worst thing that can happen is that you find out Mom is as wacky as she appears and write the rec anyway. Mom may have been joking or just out of touch or Daughter may be a little bit of a drama queen who has watched too many movies/t.v. shows about sororities. Remember, we are talking about eighteen year olds. Yes, in-house legacies get cut at SEC and other schools. Legacies don't count for what they used to.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Barbie's_Rush

Even this is no longer true at every chapter and every school now.

Really? It's still AEPhi's policy, unless something has changed that I don't know about. (Note that I went to a school where recruitment was not super-competitive. In my entire time as an active, I never even saw a rec. A legacy would pretty much have had to torch the rush room to get cut after open houses.) Is this a side effect of the current release figures method, or is it because there are so many more legacies attending college now than there were 20 or 30 or 40 years ago?

Originally Posted by Senusret I

I didn't think anybody but NPHC parents said they wouldn't pay for any other organization

You'd be surprised

One of my fellow chapter founders has an aunt who is an AEPhi. She didn't quite go so far as to refuse to pay her daughters' dues if they joined sororities other than AEPhi, but she would not permit them to apply to any college that didn't have an AEPhi chapter - which meant they were forbidden to apply to a lot of excellent schools. For all her efforts, none of her daughters actually went AEPhi.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

One of my fellow chapter founders has an aunt who is an AEPhi. She didn't quite go so far as to refuse to pay her daughters' dues if they joined sororities other than AEPhi, but she would not permit them to apply to any college that didn't have an AEPhi chapter - which meant they were forbidden to apply to a lot of excellent schools. For all her efforts, none of her daughters actually went AEPhi.

FWIW, I wasn't permitted to go any school without my legacy chapter - and then I went ADPi instead.

I suppose I'm a bit guilty of this: I've told daughters of close chapter friends that, if they go ADPi, they get the choice of my pins. Here's hoping that this is the year that I lose a pin!

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by honeychile

FWIW, I wasn't permitted to go any school without my legacy chapter - and then I went ADPi instead.

I suppose I'm a bit guilty of this: I've told daughters of close chapter friends that, if they go ADPi, they get the choice of my pins. Here's hoping that this is the year that I lose a pin!

Bribery versus extortion?

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

Really? It's still AEPhi's policy, unless something has changed that I don't know about. (Note that I went to a school where recruitment was not super-competitive. In my entire time as an active, I never even saw a rec. A legacy would pretty much have had to torch the rush room to get cut after open houses.) Is this a side effect of the current release figures method, or is it because there are so many more legacies attending college now than there were 20 or 30 or 40 years ago?

I would assume it's a combination of rfm and the geometric increase in the numbers of legacies with each generation. When you have more legacy pnms than invitations available for the second round of recruitment, you have no choice but to cut some legacies. I assume that most groups' policies are to provide some kind of special consideration for legacies, but sometimes automatically passing a pnm on to the second round is no longer possible.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

Really? It's still AEPhi's policy, unless something has changed that I don't know about. (Note that I went to a school where recruitment was not super-competitive. In my entire time as an active, I never even saw a rec. A legacy would pretty much have had to torch the rush room to get cut after open houses.) Is this a side effect of the current release figures method, or is it because there are so many more legacies attending college now than there were 20 or 30 or 40 years ago?

Giving a legacy an invite to round 2 sounds is a common policy among many NPCs. However, chapters with lots of legacies going through recruitment who have to make steep cuts after round 1 are probably given a pass on it. I imagine most other chapters would still adhere to that policy if they don't have many legacies going through and/or they don't have to make steep cuts after round 1.

[carnation]

Well, it's easy to discuss how a mom ought to handle the discussion of legacies with her daughter. Most of the Greek moms I know, though, haven't been deeply involved in Greek life since college so they don't know about the current situation of RFM/huge legacy numbers. I live in a big town but until 2005, the closest national Greek system was an hour away so hardly any local Greeks--and there are a lot here-- were physically involved in a Greek system. Many paid their dues and/or sent money to their chapters but it was (is) a hassle getting to the nearest chapter or alum group (which might be one that focuses on socialization and doesn't discuss recruitment unless friends or relatives are rushing). They got their magazines but now a lot of them are published online so people don't bother to read them. Also, they've spent the last several years raising kids and working and Greek life wasn't really on their radar.

Therefore, even though the Greek Life Office usually sends out a pamphlet to parents about the current situation re: legacies, it doesn't really hit home unless the legacy group cuts the daughter. Wonderful women who assumed their groups would pledge their daughters have been blindsided because back in the day, sororities found a way to pledge their good legacies. Often, only the shadier ones were released.

[Jen]

Originally Posted by turqwind

I agree if the writer really likes this girl and wants to write her a rec, call the Mom and offer.

I'm really curious why the mom has to be involved at all? This is an adult going to college. The mom being asked shouldn't even be on anyone's radar. They should be asking the PNM if they'd like a rec written for them!

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Jen

I'm really curious why the mom has to be involved at all? This is an adult going to college. The mom being asked shouldn't even be on anyone's radar. They should be asking the PNM if they'd like a rec written for them!

I guess since Mom is paying for the dues, the girl feels like Mom is in control. It's kind of like brides feeling like Mom gets to make decisions about the wedding when her parents are paying for the big day.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by Jen

I'm really curious why the mom has to be involved at all? This is an adult going to college. The mom being asked shouldn't even be on anyone's radar. They should be asking the PNM if they'd like a rec written for them!

If the daughter is dropped from the legacy chapter and mom has conversations with the chapter/nationals/alumnae and they also bring up that all chapters there require recs for pnms to get beyond the first round, it could look really bad for the daughter. It could appear that she was going behind mom's back and getting recs if she's continuing to be invited to other parties after her legacy chapter drops her. I think once you at least open the door and offer, you can start a conversation with mom about how much things have changed at her school and she will also realize that other women might be writing recs for her daughter without the daughter knowing it.

[ree-Xi]

Funny story about what people did or did not know during recruitment. When I rushed AXiD, there was no philanthropy round, and things like symbols and mottoes weren't talked about. The day after pinning (pledge induction), I was going through the my pledge manual, and was thrilled to find out some very cool coincidences:

- Writing has always been one of my two passions (the other is acting). In high school, I always used the phrase "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword", (which I later found out is AXiD's motto).

- I also used to do calligraphy, learning in the sixth grade. I had an old-style quill and inkwell as well as more modern pens, and a number of different sized nibs. I later found out that the Quill is AXiD's symbol and the shape of the member badge.

- AXiD's national philanthropy at the time was the American Lung Association. I have lung disease, and it touched me that women across the country were dedicated time and resources to support a cause that deeply affects me.

I remember calling my mom and crying because I had felt an amazing connection.

Some other things that have happened that just reinforce the knowledge that I am in the right place. You know the saying that "being an ___ is not something you become, but something you've always been"? That was me. And I knew none of this stuff going into rush (COB).

To bring this back on topic, the PNM mentioned in the OP might not even feel a connection to her legacy chapter. I feel really bad that the mother is so insistent and controlling. Just like the mom probably had a choice (there's no mention that the daughter is a double legacy), so should her daughter.

[aephi alum]

Being a legacy, even an in-house legacy, does not guarantee you a bid. The chapter will invite this young lady back to the first invitation-only round during FR, but after that, anything could happen - especially since this is an SEC school where there are tons of legacies going through every year. And even if her legacy status did guarantee her a bid, what if she doesn't like the chapter?

Mom could simply be ignorant of the way things have changed. Or she could be trying to control her daughter - "she WILL be an XYZ like I was, or she won't go greek at all!" It's hard to tell from just a couple of posts.

dgdramadawg, I think you and the other alums you spoke to are doing the right thing. At least, this way, she won't be automatically cut for not having recs. Then, the rest is up to her.

[Barbie's_Rush]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

Being a legacy, even an in-house legacy, does not guarantee you a bid. The chapter will invite this young lady back to the first invitation-only round during FR, but after that, anything could happen - especially since this is an SEC school where there are tons of legacies going through every year. And even if her legacy status did guarantee her a bid, what if she doesn't like the chapter?

Even this is no longer true at every chapter and every school now.

[BeeBee23]

but the fact that the mom is only willing to pay for her daughter's sorority dues if she goes XYZ makes me think the mom is just being stubborn. that alone makes me question whether its simply a misunderstanding of the rules regarding legacies, or if the mom just doesnt want to have anything to do with her daughter pledging at another house.