Paying for sex - is this more common than I thought?

[SugarANDSpice]

Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been reading GC for a while now. It's very addicting. . . GC has kept me very entertained for many months. I'm not greek, but maybe one day I will be. I just need to get myself together before making that lifetime commitment.

Anyway. . . I'm very curious to see what GC folks think about the following situation. I look forward to honest, real anwers:

I've been seeing this gentleman for 8 months and it has been wonderful.
One day (jokingly) I asked if he had ever paid for sex and he seriously said yes! I did not expect that because I was just trying to be funny. Big mistake on my part. He went on to share the story of when he went to Mexico in his mid 20s (he is now in his early 40s) on vacation and he hired 2 prostitutes for a 3some. He said he only did it to see what a 3some felt like and after that came to the conclusion that one-on-one sex was the only way to go for him because he preffered to focus on one woman during sex. He also said he never did it again and never wants to. He told me he shared the story with me because "it was a long time ago, it's not me anymore and I don't want to spoil what we have by me telling you a lie." I was shocked so I just sat there. Speechless. Then I thanked him for being so honest. I went home and been thinking about it alot and what this means for the future of our relationship. I was beginning to think he might actually be my Mr. Right because of how well the past 8 months have been going. But now after this story, I'm wondering if I should be concerned and run away as fast as I can!

Uh, should I be happy he trusted me enough to tell me? I realize this is hard for men to do because of how we women react to their honesty. . . A part of me is very disappointed that he has it in his character to do something like this, even if it was 15 years ago. He also mentioned that it is not uncommon for men in their 20s to pay for sex as a one time thing, for exploration purposes. Is this true?

Anyway, I was just wondering what GCers thougth about this? Any personal experiences would be appreciated, but opiniions are good too.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been reading GC for a while now. It's very addicting. . . GC has kept me very entertained for many months. I'm not greek, but maybe one day I will be. I just need to get myself together before making that lifetime commitment.

Anyway. . . I'm very curious to see what GC folks think about the following situation. I look forward to honest, real anwers:

I've been seeing this gentleman for 8 months and it has been wonderful.
One day (jokingly) I asked if he had ever paid for sex and he seriously said yes! I did not expect that because I was just trying to be funny. Big mistake on my part. He went on to share the story of when he went to Mexico in his mid 20s (he is now in his early 40s) on vacation and he hired 2 prostitutes for a 3some. He said he only did it to see what a 3some felt like and after that came to the conclusion that one-on-one sex was the only way to go for him because he preffered to focus on one woman during sex. He also said he never did it again and never wants to. He told me he shared the story with me because "it was a long time ago, it's not me anymore and I don't want to spoil what we have by me telling you a lie." I was shocked so I just sat there. Speechless. Then I thanked him for being so honest. I went home and been thinking about it alot and what this means for the future of our relationship. I was beginning to think he might actually be my Mr. Right because of how well the past 8 months have been going. But now after this story, I'm wondering if I should be concerned and run away as fast as I can!

Uh, should I be happy he trusted me enough to tell me? I realize this is hard for men to do because of how we women react to their honesty. . . A part of me is very disappointed that he has it in his character to do something like this, even if it was 15 years ago. He also mentioned that it is not uncommon for men in their 20s to pay for sex as a one time thing, for exploration purposes. Is this true?

Anyway, I was just wondering what GCers thougth about this? Any personal experiences would be appreciated, but opiniions are good too.

Sometimes, we ask questions when we can't really handle the answers. I have no advice for you except that he shared the info with you willingly, so don't ever use that against him. (of course you've already made sure he was disease free, right?)

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

Sometimes, we ask questions when we can't really handle the answers. I have no advice for you except that he shared the info with you willingly, so don't ever use that against him. (of course you've already made sure he was disease free, right?)

Omg, of course. I personally get tested every 6 months and before anything happened between us, I made sure we both got cleared! He said he protected himself as much as he could that time in Mexico (I know that sounds contradictory!)

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

Omg, of course. I personally get tested every 6 months and before anything happened between us, I made sure we both got cleared! He said he protected himself as much as he could that time in Mexico (I know that sounds contradictory!)

Not to sound patronizing, but I think it's great that you both got tested. I'm not out in the dating world, and haven't been for a long time, but I sure hope it's easier to get done these days. I know not everyone will agree, but I think that people should get tested before each new partner. Sure it's not romantic, but neither is finding out you have creepy crawlies or worse!

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

Uh, should I be happy he trusted me enough to tell me? I realize this is hard for men to do because of how we women react to their honesty. . . A part of me is very disappointed that he has it in his character to do something like this, even if it was 15 years ago. He also mentioned that it is not uncommon for men in their 20s to pay for sex as a one time thing, for exploration purposes. Is this true?

Anyway, I was just wondering what GCers thougth about this? Any personal experiences would be appreciated, but opiniions are good too.

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

My question to you is can such a intimate act be purchased for money? What are your values on this concept?

What makes me have that question is in a serious relationship, often leading to marriage, it is unwise to get into, "acts" and "rewards" activities--if you do "A" or if you're nice to me, or if you lose weight, or if you do this for me; then I will do... SOMETIMES it can get into a domestically violent situation. Do you want a hint of that or do you want to push it to the limits?

What are your values? How does he honor them, then? These can't be spoken just by words--actions speak louder than words.

Men paying for sex workers is a problem globally. Those are the facts. It is the PAYING not just the act. The issue is what values. What, he can't keep his penis in his pants enough wait for sex that he appreciates?

The fact that you are posting this on a Greek Lettered Organization board under "dating and relationships" suggests that this one fact does concern you. Relevancy to GLO's??? It's all good, because many of us are health care professionals, too.

[33girl]

This was 15 years ago. I'd hate if a man judged me now on what I did 15 years ago. It might behoove you to look at this in the same manner. Are you the same person now that you were then?

Personally, I'd rather hear he paid for a threesome (or even just one hooker) than had it with 2 girls he works with and sees every day. I honestly just don't think this is that big of a deal.

Although, for his sake, you should probably leave him, because you're going to be throwing this in his face every time ANYTHING goes wrong - the writing on the wall is pretty clear about that.

[Kevin]

I will wait to decide as to whether to take the OP seriously.

Until then...

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

My question to you is can such a intimate act be purchased for money? What are your values on this concept?

What makes me have that question is in a serious relationship, often leading to marriage, it is unwise to get into, "acts" and "rewards" activities--if you do "A" or if you're nice to me, or if you lose weight, or if you do this for me; then I will do... SOMETIMES it can get into a domestically violent situation. Do you want a hint of that or do you want to push it to the limits?

What are your values? How does he honor them, then? These can't be spoken just by words--actions speak louder than words.

Men paying for sex workers is a problem globally. Those are the facts. It is the PAYING not just the act. The issue is what values. What, he can't keep his penis in his pants enough wait for sex that he appreciates?

The fact that you are posting this on a Greek Lettered Organization board under "dating and relationships" suggests that this one fact does concern you. Relevancy to GLO's??? It's all good, because many of us are health care professionals, too.

I was going to cut and say "THIS" to what I bolded, but this WHOLE post is really, really good. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, if I was dating a guy who told me he paid for sex at ANY time in his life, I would be SO outta there. That's disgusting! Seriously. But I still would have a lot of respect for him for being honest with me.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Kevin

I will wait to decide as to whether to take the OP seriously.

Until then...

lol

[Senusret I]

Authentic or not, I think it's a great question.

I agree totally with what ree and 33 said.

But to answer the question in the title, it's definitely more common than I thought, but it is still a taboo, at least in my communities. "Escorts" are pretty easy to come by and seem quite legal on the surface, but we all know they're really pros. Where I work, there is a sporadic streetwalker problem, too, and they wouldn't be out there if there weren't any johns.

Anyway..... yeah, it's out there. The guy in the scenario... whatever, shit happens. But if it's an addiction.... that's a problem.

[DrPhil]

He paid for sex, meaning he skipped the dinner and a movie and just handed the cash.

I firmly believe that people should keep many details of their past to themselves. Whether you paid for sex or bought every ex-girlfriend diamonds for Christmas, what's the point of sharing that info with your current?

[bostongreek]

i'm sure you've done one or two things in your life that he wouldn't fully approve of. chill.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was going to cut and say "THIS" to what I bolded, but this WHOLE post is really, really good. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, if I was dating a guy who told me he paid for sex at ANY time in his life, I would be SO outta there. That's disgusting! Seriously. But I still would have a lot of respect for him for being honest with me.

Thanks.

Let's be honest: I am not going to Al Anon meeting for sex abuse and say "Hi, my name is AKA_Monet and I am intolerant of bullshit!" Sure chick asked, dude answered honestly. Sure he prolly is going to be judged on things that happened 15 years ago. But seriously, I am one to say "a leopard never changes its spots" and really, not my problem. I see it as a character flaw--not as a whoops, I got a speeding ticket-kinna thing. But that's me.

Everyone has a past history and some things are important. Talking about people's past is discretionary. And the OP's post said that dude stated that "a lot of 20 year olds do this"-and the tone I read was a "matter of fact-ly"...

NO! Not a lot of 20-something year olds buy sex with prostitutes! That is bullshit! There are studies that show that men who buy sex from prostitutes often have psychotic tendencies similar to a rapist, and often have a personality disorder. Just ask RAINN.org.

[DrPhil]

She shouldn't have asked, even jokingly. LOL. Lesson learned.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

She shouldn't have asked, even jokingly. LOL. Lesson learned.

lol. womp womp.