Recession Proof Dating? Is there such a thing?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I feel sorry for him because he cannot find his inner peace but at the same time, he's not willing to face the painful things he has to face to find it. Because of his childhood experiences, he never learned the basics of a family being a cooperative unit. In his experience, it is "each man for himself". That simply doesn't work in a marriage and is very hard to see while you're dating because it just doesn't come up in the same ways. ...

Our occasional fights are always about money or his selfishness. I work hard to coach both him and the kids so that their relationships with each other remain good.

So, based on your thoughts, what good things is he getting out of staying emotionally distant?

The other question, is coach the right word in this case? Just asking?

As far as the bolded, I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. And guess what, pre-marital counseling is not going have this fleshed out either. It is our characters, values, etc. that we have internally that seems to make the difference. And if 2 personalities clash, collaborative work is not going to happen. Moreover, according to John Gottman, it is also how couples workout their differences and the willingness to find alternatives...

Chit, my husband and I fight, kick and scream. How we solve our problems took my relaxing my hardcore values... This doesn't say anything about your situation. All I am noting is what I chose to do. IMHO, that is what I was willing to negotiate.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So, based on your thoughts, what good things is he getting out of staying emotionally distant?

The other question, is coach the right word in this case? Just asking?

It's supposed to be preventing him from being abandoned but it definitely backfires on him.

Yes, I think coach is the right word. When the kids complain to me (especially about his selfishness), I coach them on what to say to him to let him know that his actions are affecting them. Likewise, I coach him on what to say, especially to our teenage daughter, and how to act with her, reminding him that their relationship could likely define all of her future relationships with men.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

This is why I insisted on two bedrooms for live-in and me when we were looking for our apartment. We share a bedroom, sure, but the second bedroom is pretty much all mine, I keep clothes in there, I go in there to read, I crash in there on nights where I end up pacing (or on GC) all night and don't want to come in and wake him up mere hours before he has to be up for work.

That might change once we get married and have kids, but I don't think it will. I was spoiled as one of two children. I always had my own room. I liked living in the dorms and then in on campus apartments but once I got the chance to have my own bedroom I took it, no matter how small the space (and seriously in the sorority house my bedroom fit a twin bed, me, and a tiny desk with a tiny computer - my clothes had to go in another room). i don't need it all the time but I do like that I have my own space.

I loved living by myself when I was in grad school.

I officially want to be AGZG when I grow up. I might as well since you've lived the story of my life. I absolutely break myself paying for this apartment by myself and it's little more than a cubicle (one-room studio) but it's worth to have this place good and empty when I get here!