Recession Proof Dating? Is there such a thing?

[AGDee]

No worries folks, it's all good. I posted it after all. When any relationship fails, there is "fault" on both parts. Yeah, both of them acted differently after being married than they did while we were dating. Dating is a lot of fun. You go out, you hang out when you want to, you have fun. Marriage is MUCH harder. I think even happily married people will admit that. Suddenly, you're sharing housework, finances, and most often, eventually, parenting duties. Suddenly, it makes a big difference when he works long hours or golfs on three golf leagues or buys a $900 TV without mentioning it to you. Who knew he wouldn't give that up when there was an infant at home, day care bills and diapers to be changed? Who knew he wouldn't put his wife and child first at that point? You can't really know until it happens. Who knew he would freak out at having to live on a budget? Just because he lived at home until you married (when he was 30), he's an accountant, you figure he'll be all good financially but in reality, he has never balanced his checkbook! There's a lot of stuff you just don't know. And then, there's how you react to those changes. People are going to change over their lifetimes no matter what. Sometimes it's for the better and people grow closer together. Sometimes it is for the worse and they grow apart. Sometimes they become so resentful of each other that they say mean and hurtful things, creating wounds that won't ever really heal. We don't always handle the situation in the best way possible. However, we have to take each experience and learn from it. What I learned from mine is that I'm probably not really cut out to be married, even though I was brainwashed to "go to college, get a career, get married, have babies". I have no regrets because I got two wonderful children out of the deal. I'm very independent by nature, more independent than I thought I was (or could be!). But, there's nothing to be afraid of, really. It's simply this thing called life. There are ups and downs along the way. The ups don't mean you're a good person and the downs don't mean you're a bad person. We all just do the best we can to live our life in the best way we know how.

Yes, I'm very cynical about marriage personally. I do have a hard time shutting my mouth about it some days..lol. I should be more careful about it around the idealists. But, I tend to be practical too. Relationships are hard work. I didn't get much benefit from either of my marriages so I didn't stick with them. Along the way though, I also learned that I didn't "need" a man, which was the most liberating discovery I've ever made about myself. It freed me to be who I really am instead of what society (family, etc) expected of me.

I know people who consider themselves very happily married whose marriages would make me miserable if I was the one in them. I know others who are truly happily married in marriages that I could probably tolerate (lol.. probably). I see many people with completely different expectations of how a marriage should be. All of those expectations should be explored long before marriage.

[cheerfulgreek]

^^^Thanks Dee, and I'm really sorry for being so direct.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I know people who consider themselves very happily married whose marriages would make me miserable if I was the one in them. I know others who are truly happily married in marriages that I could probably tolerate (lol.. probably). I see many people with completely different expectations of how a marriage should be. All of those expectations should be explored long before marriage.

Thank you so much for sharing that aspect of yourself. I know I appreciate it.

You remind me of one of my aunts. She could not stay married too long. Married 4 times!!! She currently is married now. Does not have children...

The fact is, I admire your reality of choosing to be a single mother with beautiful children. While it is harder to make it on your own, it is awesome that you are WORKING it, gwirl!!! WORKING IT!!!

And hayle yeah, all those expectations can be explored long before marriage!

[AGDee]

See, that's the whole thing. For me, it's EASIER to do it on my own... so much easier than dealing with "him" on a daily basis. Of course, he's as dedicated a father as he is capable of and we do have 50-50 custody so my kids firmly have two active and involved parents. Plus, I get the "alone time" that I so badly need.

I do think that two marriages was enough and I can't imagine doing it again. I think I've lost all credibility with saying those vows! I ascribe to the notion that I would do best in a long term relationship with His and Hers houses right next door to each other! That would suit me fine.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by AGDee

See, that's the whole thing. For me, it's EASIER to do it on my own... so much easier than dealing with "him" on a daily basis. Of course, he's as dedicated a father as he is capable of and we do have 50-50 custody so my kids firmly have two active and involved parents. Plus, I get the "alone time" that I so badly need.

I do think that two marriages was enough and I can't imagine doing it again. I think I've lost all credibility with saying those vows! I ascribe to the notion that I would do best in a long term relationship with His and Hers houses right next door to each other! That would suit me fine.

Dee, it's safe to say that the next guy that comes along will have to be used to the role of long term boyfriend and respect your independence.
What happens if time goes by and they want more?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

See, that's the whole thing. For me, it's EASIER to do it on my own... so much easier than dealing with "him" on a daily basis. Of course, he's as dedicated a father as he is capable of and we do have 50-50 custody so my kids firmly have two active and involved parents. Plus, I get the "alone time" that I so badly need.

I do think that two marriages was enough and I can't imagine doing it again. I think I've lost all credibility with saying those vows! I ascribe to the notion that I would do best in a long term relationship with His and Hers houses right next door to each other! That would suit me fine.

Breathe!!! Talk about EASY!!! I can see how devoted you are... And hey, be devoted to some who appreciates it--YOURSELF!!!

Do you think it is a matter of "credibility"? Pardon me if I am overreaching here, but you have boundaries and space that you hold dear and are important to you. Apparently, it sounds like your relationships just did not respect that aspect about you!!!

So, if I may, can your next love gain your respect and for your boundaries?

His and her houses might be one way, but is that realistic?

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Breathe!!! Talk about EASY!!! I can see how devoted you are... And hey, be devoted to some who appreciates it--YOURSELF!!!

Do you think it a matter of "credibility"? Pardon me if I am overreaching here, but you have boundaries and space that you hold dear and are important to you. Apparently, it sounds like your relationships just did not respect that aspect about you!!!

So, if I may, can your next love gain your respect and for your boundaries?

His and her houses might be one way, but is that realistic?

Hey...if Oprah and Stedman can do it...LOL


Saying it as she did, she needs a man who is strong enough to be her man and let her stand on her own two an without the pressure of marriage.

I applaud her for that.

Too many times you see people who are still married and miserable but stay just to go through the motions of trying to do as society has them do as a married couple but at least she is honest about how she feels about the institution.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Hey...if Oprah and Stedman can do it...LOL


Saying it as she did, she needs a man who is strong enough to be her man and let her stand on her own two an without the pressure of marriage.

I applaud her for that.

Too many times you see people who are still married and miserable but stay just to go through the motions of trying to do as society has them do as a married couple but at least she is honest about how she feels about the institution.

Well IDK about Dee's situation with the two housed marriage? Whatever her answer is, I wish her the best!

Yeah, there are people who go through the motions. But those of us who are married, like me, meant what we vowed to do--even in a court of law. Not saying anything what Dee's situation currently is, just saying, all of us do have to go into the marriage KNOWING key things about ourselves and putting them on the table...

Her's was her independence and space... I think a woman who can hold her own like that, is like wow!!!

My issue was my insecurity and fear of losing my husband... They say that 3 days doesn't change a person... Well, after being trained with hospice care--3 days lasts a lifetime... When questioned about my own death, the last "thing" I was "willing" to give up... It was my husband... But for my own selfish reasons. So many times I was willing to give up all kinds of things, especially my life--when I saw the reality of it, in the tiny exercise in hospice care training, just for being a volunteer!!! I am not afraid of my losses--I am more afraid of loved one's loss of me!!!

IDK how I made that connection with my husband? But I must say I love him holistically... And I hope everyone has what I have and if I lose that, I am glad I had that experience and if alive, I will move forward... That's when I speak to Dee and ask, help me?

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Hey...if Oprah and Stedman can do it...LOL


Saying it as she did, she needs a man who is strong enough to be her man and let her stand on her own two an without the pressure of marriage.

I applaud her for that.

Too many times you see people who are still married and miserable but stay just to go through the motions of trying to do as society has them do as a married couple but at least she is honest about how she feels about the institution.

Pretty much that is where I am. What I plan to do for a living requires me to be in remote places for extended periods of time, often forming friendships with people of the opposite sex and being in close quarters with them. If a man doesn't trust me or respect my independence, he isn't going to be my man. That was a huge reason why my engagement ended, he couldn't handle me being gone and since we were together all the time before that the jealousy and controlling behavior never showed itself.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

Pretty much that is where I am. What I plan to do for a living requires me to be in remote places for extended periods of time, often forming friendships with people of the opposite sex and being in close quarters with them. If a man doesn't trust me or respect my independence, he isn't going to be my man. That was a huge reason why my engagement ended, he couldn't handle me being gone and since we were together all the time before that the jealousy and controlling behavior never showed itself.

Maybe it's not so much of controlling behavior as it is fear or a need to fill in the emptiness.

That's is another problem with us as humans and not just men. Your mate will be gone for extended periods and around the opposite sex. How does one cope with that unless both of your careers parallel causing the both of you to do the same. I think, and I could be wrong, this may be a part of why some military marriages either succeed or fail based on who gets left behind and how they cope with it.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I do think that two marriages was enough and I can't imagine doing it again. I think I've lost all credibility with saying those vows!.

My aunt has for quite some time been happily married to husband number 4.

It can and does happen.

On the opposite side of that, a few years ago, I was sitting in on a deposition and came to find out that our client was on husband number NINE. She's still married, btw. Good luck whatever you do. You may be someone who is happier on their own. That's great if you know yourself that well. That really cuts down on the fights and such.