Lack of Positive Reinforcement

[pbear19]

3 months ago I started a new job, and the work is something I enjoy and that I can see myself doing very well with in the future. My background is 7 years in Corporate America. I left on very good terms to pursue a new career. Now I work for a small business owner. Big difference!

My boss is a very, very nice person. But she does not believe in positive reinforcement at work, at all. She is a nice person, but not once in three months has she told me I've done well on anything. Even when I've really come through a few times to prevent something bad from happening. Her theory (we talked about it when I first started) is that if she isn't expressly telling me I'm doing a bad job, it means I'm doing a good job.

Twice in the first month I asked her for feedback on how I was doing, and the second time she teased me about it, and the conversation was such that I have not and will not ask for feedback again.

The worst part is, that while she never says anything complimentary about my work, she points out EVERY little thing she thinks I did wrong. No matter how minor, no matter if I've done it perfectly 99 times out of 100. It's always in this overly dramatic lecturing style, too, never in passing.

The only saving grace is that I want to stay in this career, and again, she's a pretty nice person. But it's breaking my spirit a bit, to be honest.

The other side affect is that I find myself not trying as hard. Because the times I've really busted my rear to make something perfect, I get either no acknowledgement, or I get the lecture for something that wasn't perfect. (Incidentally, this was from day one. I've gotten zero learning curve with her.) Basically, there will be something I did wrong no matter how hard I try. Giving little effort affords me very nearly the same level of admonishment as giving great effort.

Sorry this is so long. My bottom line questions are this:

1. Is this normal? Have I just been spoiled by the way my previous company was so geared towards positive reinforcement that I now depend upon it too much? I'm trying VERY hard not to be needy, but part of me wonders if I just need to suck it up.

2. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and if so, what have you done within yourself to deal? Ordinarily I would talk to her directly about it, but I have learned enough about her by now to know that is a very bad idea. I can't explain in full, but no matter how badly I would like to talk it out with her, it's just not going to happen.

I have a one year committment, and I need to get through it. I need this job to afford me a better job in the same industry. Essentially, if I quit this job early, I will likely have to quit the career as well. And that's not an option. So, I need to figure out how to not let this break my spirit. And trust me when I say that 9 months is already looking like an eternity, else I would never put this all out there like this! So ideas are very welcome.

[33girl]

This is kind of what I was going through. Luckily, the stupid overdressed tactless bitch quit.

When you say small, how many other people are there? Do other people under her feel the same way? If so, go to your boss's boss and let him/her know the effect this is having on your work.

It's one thing to be a "hands off" boss and not give direction either way, but the fact that she never points out the positive and always points out the negative is something else again.

[crescent&pearls]

[quote=pbear19;1701841]t
Hang in there pbear! I can only offfer you my perspective as a small business owner, but here goes.

Yes, It's normal. When you own a very small company, you have to wear a lot of hats, from salesperson to trainer to janitor. And sometimes, after all the hard work, you don't even get paid! I don't have time to give a lot of positive reinforcement to my employees because I'm too busy putting out fires.Don't take it so personally. You need to learn to pat yourself on the back. Oh and I'm not bothered if an employee calls to my attention something they did well. So go ahead and toot your own horn. She may have noticed, but forgot to tell you because it was on to the next challenge...

This job is just a stepping stone for the next one, so unless you think you want to buy in as her partner, don't let this boss get you down.

[pbear19]

I guess 'small' doesn't quite describe it, huh? She is the owner and I am her only employee. We are in a shared office space, so while there are other living beings around me, none of them are in any way related to the company I work for.

I *really* miss having an HR department!

ETA - crescent&pearls - thank you for the small business owner perspective. The whole thing is so foreign to me, since I used to work for a giant international corporation. I'll try the approach of selling myself a bit more, when appropriate.

[33girl]

Well, this might not sound too "professional" but it's worth a try.

Cry. She might not realize how the criticism sounds when it's coming out of her mouth.

[pbear19]

I truly don't think she realizes that to me she's being harsh. She really is a nice person, so it's hard to hold it against her. I do figure there is the chance I'm being overly sensitive, or spoiled by my previous employer. Either way I still have to find a way to deal, right?

I'm not sure what would happen if I cried in front of her. I'll post back if the opportunity ever presents - either intentionally or unintentionally. I'm not too proud to admit I've shed a tear or two of frustration when she wasn't present! I think either she'd feel really bad, or it would make her think that I am way too soft.

[Senusret I]

This thread reminds me to try harder to praise my summer workers. This is their last week, and for the most part I show them I appreciate them by being flexible (hours, absences, etc.

I'm not used to giving praise in a non-educational setting. It's weird. I need to be better at it if I want to be a nonprofit leader.

[RaggedyAnn]

I went years without getting praise at a job. (I wasn't the only one who felt this way either.) I didn't realize how much it affected me until the sorority would thank me for volunteering and send me little emails and notes. I quit my job after 10 years and people I hadn't seen in years saw the difference right away. Don't let it go too long. It can be very draining. If you have to do it for one year, make sure you are getting positive reinforcement from other areas in your life.

[ree-Xi]

I think that some people (bosses, supervisors, even team members) do not believe in praise, simply because it does not achieve anything productive (in their minds). While correcting mistakes will likely lead to someone trying to avoid repeating a mistake, or giving results in the way that is asked of them (moreso out of fear or embarrassment), the type of people who motivate via critcism likely were not praised themselves in lower capacities.

Is this something that you can talk to her about? Tell her that while you value her constructive crisicism when you have not done a project correctly, you also would like to know when you DO perform a job well, so that you can repeat your approach/process/etc. again. Maybe it's a matter of how she communicates her directives. If she is not clear to you in your assigments, therefore almost guaranteeing that your results will not be up to par, ask her for five minutes to review the assignment so that you can "get rolling right away".

Lastly, she may simply not be able to change her ways. I have had a few superiors who did not believe in praise. They were the type of people who divulged little about their personal lives, kept their noses to the grindstone, and cared "only" about the bottom line and results. Praise has to do with emotion, as in, "I am happy with this".

Her lack of positive reinforcement probably has NOTHING to do with you. The best you can do at that point is either figure out how to motivate yourself (you must be doing an ok job if you haven't been fired....also how are your reviews?) or find another job.

Best of luck in whatever you do. When in doubt, quack like a duck and let it roll off your back.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Cry. She might not realize how the criticism sounds when it's coming out of her mouth.

Ok, sorry, but I have to say NO, do NOT do this.

crescent&pearls hit it right on the head, pbear, you are working for someone who works for herself and who knows what, if any, management exposure or training she ever had previously. So she may just suck at it and there's not much you can do about that. This is one of those things people don't realize they have so good at big companies, you may work for some idiots along the way, but with full HR depts and all kinds of management and sensitivity training in place, employees get a lot more 'atta boys' and recognition than at smaller shops.

You are not in a position to "train" this woman who is not only over you, but who strokes your paycheck. You know how much time you have to put in to take the next step up in this field, focus on that, learn to pat yourself on the back as c&p said and take notes on what the owner does well and poorly so you are armed with a clear vision of what to do in your next position. Keep in mind that as a business owner (and I don't know how new she is at it or how good she is at it), she doesn't have anyone patting her on the back either so she may be reeling a bit herself not only from the massive responsibilities she has on her shoulders to keep her business afloat and pay your paycheck but from not having a gauge from anyone how well she's doing day-to-day too.

Pace yourself, praise yourself, observe, learn and try not to sweat the small stuff.

[pbear19]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice. One thing I'm definitely not going to do is to try to change her, or get her to adapt to me. That's not in the equation at all. Like I said, I know her well enough to know that I cannot even have a conversation with her about this.

I really just wanted to know if it was at all normal, which it sounds like it might be with this kind of small business. And, if there were any suggestions on how I could deal. I don't expect the situation to change, so I need to find some techniques to help myself get through the next 9 months. Just having the knowledge that this isn't abnormal for this type of business is already helping me cope with the situation a bit better.

Thanks again!