Elope?

VAgirl18 · #1 06-02-2008, 01:42 PM

Lately, I've been thinking about stopping wedding planning and just eloping. My mom has become a true "momzilla" and is trying to micromanage my day. There was a huge argument on where FI and I would get married and they refused to pay a cent or even come if it wasn't in DC. FI and I decided to let them win that argument (mistake #1 on our part) since I'm the only child and they've always wanted a glamorous DC event. We agreed only if we were able to make the choices on what we wanted and were able to make it our day. (I should have known this was doomed from the start.)

Then came the compromising and budget they put us on. Granted, I should be grateful that they are putting any amount of money towards the wedding, but it is completely unfeasible to have the type of wedding my parents expect in the DC area on the budget they placed on us. They want all of their friends there and because of the budget, we're limited to inviting 30 of our friends out of the 150 guests. To top it all off...they're expecting us to pay anything over the budget -- something they told us yesterday. With the cost of the reception and ceremony sites, food, open bar, and photographer, we've already reached their allocated budget.

My mom placed the deposit down on the site and we have until Wednesday to get our money back. I live across the country so I have no way of guaranteeing that my mom isn't going to take over everything and contact vendors without my knowledge.

I want to have the big day with everything but I don't feel good about any of this. Talking to her doesn't help, my dad just gets mad with all of this, and my fiance is worried about paying these overages.

Shouldn't a person be excited to plan their wedding and for all of the details? This has made me so stressed and sick that I've lost 10 lbs in under a week. I've been having dreams about the wedding and I wake up sweating. Something's obviously not sitting well with me about this.

I guess it seems obvious, but should I just say screw everyone and elope? Maybe take the money they budgeted for us and use it for a down payment for a house in the future?

Benzgirl · #2 06-02-2008, 01:46 PM

My brother wishes he would have eloped when my mother became a Momzilla to her daughter in law. She created so much havoc that by the time the wedding came around, everyone was exhausted.

Elope, then throw a big party.

nittanyalum · #3 06-02-2008, 01:51 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that, I think there's nothing worse than when someone's wedding/wedding day gets taken over and taken away from them.

Eloping is definitely an option, but if it's still important to you to have your friends around, why not just plan something small that you and your fiance want and can afford (it sounds like you will end up shelling out money in your parents scenario anyway) and do it just the way YOU want to do it? If 120 of your wedding guests are friends of your parents anyway, then why do you care if they're at your wedding?

You can go have a party at a friends house or hotel and get married there, or find a cute chapel and have a destination wedding you invite your closest friends to, or elope on a cruise and come back and throw a huge party with all of your friends and family. If your parents basically want a big fancy party for their friends, they can always throw a formal reception, then she can plan it down to the last detail and you and your husband can fly back for it, no stress involved (or at least, much less

).

Regardless of what you decide, just make sure it's what YOU want for YOUR wedding day.

SydneyK · #4 06-02-2008, 01:53 PM

Have you talked to your mom about how she's handling this? If you haven't come right out and told her how you're feeling, then give her the opportunity to back off. If she knows how this is affecting you, and she's still momzilla, then by all means, elope!

VAgirl18 · #5 06-02-2008, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Benzgirl

My brother wishes he would have eloped when my mother became a Momzilla to her daughter in law. She created so much havoc that by the time the wedding came around, everyone was exhausted.

Elope, then throw a big party.

I think if I eloped, I'd forgo the big party and just spend excess money on a vacation to Santorini.

VAgirl18 · #6 06-02-2008, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

I'm so sorry to hear that, I think there's nothing worse than when someone's wedding/wedding day gets taken over and taken away from them.

Eloping is definitely an option, but if it's still important to you to have your friends around, why not just plan something small that you and your fiance want and can afford (it sounds like you will end up shelling out money in your parents scenario anyway) and do it just the way YOU want to do it? If 120 of your wedding guests are friends of your parents anyway, then why do you care if they're at your wedding?

You can go have a party at a friends house or hotel and get married there, or find a cute chapel and have a destination wedding you invite your closest friends to, or elope on a cruise and come back and throw a huge party with all of your friends and family. If your parents basically want a big fancy party for their friends, they can always throw a formal reception, then she can plan it down to the last detail and you and your husband can fly back for it, no stress involved (or at least, much less

).

Regardless of what you decide, just make sure it's what YOU want for YOUR wedding day.

I think that one thing keeping me from throwing our own wedding is I know that my parents would not show up. It won't be one of those things where they say that and turn up that day either. Granted, if they're acting this way, do I really want them there? And I know that if I eloped, my parents would be too embarrassed to throw a party afterwards.

nittanyalum · #7 06-02-2008, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VAgirl18

I think that one thing keeping me from throwing our own wedding is I know that my parents would not show up.

God, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

VAgirl18 · #8 06-02-2008, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Have you talked to your mom about how she's handling this? If you haven't come right out and told her how you're feeling, then give her the opportunity to back off. If she knows how this is affecting you, and she's still momzilla, then by all means, elope!

Oh, I've talked to her. My fiance's talked to her (she found out his screen name -- poor guy.) My grandfather has even talked to her. At dinner last night, my grandpa said at first he thought I was the one bringing all of this on and now he realizes after talking to my mom that its all her.

Senusret I · #9 06-02-2008, 02:17 PM

Do you want me to talk some sense into her? I'm sure me and DaemonSeid can be quite persuasive.

SydneyK · #10 06-02-2008, 02:18 PM

I think nittanyalum said it best: This is YOUR day. Your mom got her day (I'm assuming here), why can't she let you have yours? If she didn't get to plan her own wedding because her mom kept taking over, then she should know how you feel. If she got to plan her own, then she should understand your desire to plan your own as well.

This sounds so sad. It's impossible, of course, for any of us to give you real advice, but it never hurts to keep your options open. Do what's best for you and your fiance.

VAgirl18 · #11 06-02-2008, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senusret I

Do you want me to talk some sense into her? I'm sure me and DaemonSeid can be quite persuasive.

oh, i miss you guys.

KSUViolet06 · #12 06-02-2008, 02:23 PM

Man, with those restrictions, I'd be glad to elope. 30 out of 150 guests is not fair to you, and DC weddings are expensive, you're bound to go over budget.

Of course you have to do what's best for you, but let me say that "eloping" doesn't need to be secretive and unfun.

If I were going to elope, I'd love to have one of these Sandals weddings. It's a wedding and vacation for your guests.

http://www.sandals.com/general/wedding.cfm

VAgirl18 · #13 06-02-2008, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

I think nittanyalum said it best: This is YOUR day. Your mom got her day (I'm assuming here), why can't she let you have yours? If she didn't get to plan her own wedding because her mom kept taking over, then she should know how you feel. If she got to plan her own, then she should understand your desire to plan your own as well.

This sounds so sad. It's impossible, of course, for any of us to give you real advice, but it never hurts to keep your options open. Do what's best for you and your fiance.

Apparently my dad planned most of the day and she just dealt with getting her dress, hair, and make up. My paternal grandmother and godmother were also involved. Yes, I do think she's partially living vicariously through me. I just feel like I need to make this decision fairly quickly because I don't want the heft deposit going to waste.

To top it all off, we're having to pay for some of his relatives to fly out because of their financial situation since my parents didn't want to have it where we did (which was neutral territory for all.)

angelove · #14 06-02-2008, 02:29 PM

Many times, the reason that brides and grooms do whatever their parents want for the wedding is because the parents are paying for the whole thing. Your mom is trying to have her white-four-tiers-fondant-covered-garnished-with-rose-petals cake and eat it too. If she's not going to shell out for the wedding she wants, then she's not going to get the wedding she wants. Don't let her have it both ways. If you have to pay, then have it your way.

KSUViolet06 · #15 06-02-2008, 02:32 PM

Wedding planning should not make you stressed to the point of waking up sweating and sick. If you feel this way now, the more you go with you mom's plans, the worse you'll feel. You won't be excited about the day because it won't be something you wanted.

Also, if she's doing this now, think of AFTER you're married. She'll want to tell you how to raise your kids, how to clean your house, etc.

I say put the ball back in your court and elope.