Friends who disappear when they find a boyfriend/girlfriend

AlethiaSi · #1 03-06-2008, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Lastly, I agree with AKA Monet 110%. In my relationship, friends can do one of two things. They can take a back seat to her or they can kiss my azz.

I disagree. I think it's important to maintain friendships and my friends will be there for me after a relationship has ended and a significant other may or may not be in it for the "long haul". Sure, it's important to work on a relationship but I try not to let my friends take a backseat to any guy. Just my own opinion.

PrettyBoy · #2 03-07-2008, 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

I disagree. I think it's important to maintain friendships and my friends will be there for me after a relationship has ended and a significant other may or may not be in it for the "long haul". Sure, it's important to work on a relationship but I try not to let my friends take a backseat to any guy. Just my own opinion.

I see your point. While friends are very important, I'm always in a relationship for the long haul and expect the same in return. The reason why I think friends should take a backseat to his/her s/o is because if someone puts his/her friends 1st at anytime, then if the relationship is strong enough for the next level, they will be 1st in that situation too. I know relationships are a far cry from marriage, but in a marriage, not only do your friends become second to your spouse, but your family does too. The only one before your spouse is God. A relationship is different and not marriage, but friends should be in the backseat in that situation, and if they're true friends they'll be there if things don't work out between you and your s/o.

Munchkin03 · #3 03-07-2008, 05:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I know relationships are a far cry from marriage, but in a marriage, not only do your friends become second to your spouse, but your family does too. The only one before your spouse is God. A relationship is different and not marriage, but friends should be in the backseat in that situation, and if they're true friends they'll be there if things don't work out between you and your s/o.

Ahh, but your average college relationship--or even your average dating relationship--is nothing like a marriage. I expect folks who are dating seriously or cohabiting to be joined at the hip, but your typical college couple who may not even be together after graduation? That's just co-dependency.

On that same token, if you're not actively working on your friendships while in a relationship, you're not exactly a true friend if you come crying back to them when you find yourself suddenly single. Some of the strongest relationships I know are the ones where both members of the couple have, you know...lives.

KSUViolet06 · #4 03-07-2008, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

On that same token, if you're not actively working on your friendships while in a relationship, you're not exactly a true friend if you come crying back to them when you find yourself suddenly single. Some of the strongest relationships I know are the ones where both members of the couple have, you know...lives.

I agree. It's just healthy to maintain friendships. You can't spend ALL of your time with your bf/gf. It's impossible. I mean, you might want to go do something girly like get pedicures, there are some things you just want to do with your girls.

Jimmy Choo · #5 03-07-2008, 08:50 PM

While you do need to dedicate time to your SO and your relationships with your friends need to evolve, they shouldn't dissolve...friends were there before and unless you completely screw them over they will be there after! I'm going thru a situation like this with one of my friends and he has completely turned his back on all his friends. He makes time for no one but her. If he doesn't watch himself he won't have any friends to go back to when this relationship fails (which it will b/c she cheats on him).

Sorry.....started going on a personal rant there.....

PrettyBoy · #6 03-10-2008, 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy Choo

(which it will b/c she cheats on him).

Doesn't surprise me.

KonfidentOne · #7 03-10-2008, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy Choo

While you do need to dedicate time to your SO and your relationships with your friends need to evolve, they shouldn't dissolve...friends were there before and unless you completely screw them over they will be there after! I'm going thru a situation like this with one of my friends and he has completely turned his back on all his friends. He makes time for no one but her. If he doesn't watch himself he won't have any friends to go back to when this relationship fails (which it will b/c she cheats on him).

Sorry.....started going on a personal rant there.....

But in a healthy relationship, isn't your significant other supposed to be your friend too? Your friends are obviously not in a healthy relationship if she's cheating. This may only be my opinion, but I think you need to be able to truly call someone your friend before you try to establish a serious relationship with them. People who are your friends have your best interest at heart, which is something I know that I would want from a person that I'm in a relationship with...

cheerfulgreek · #8 03-11-2008, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KonfidentOne

But in a healthy relationship, isn't your significant other supposed to be your friend too? Your friends are obviously not in a healthy relationship if she's cheating. This may only be my opinion, but I think you need to be able to truly call someone your friend before you try to establish a serious relationship with them. People who are your friends have your best interest at heart, which is something I know that I would want from a person that I'm in a relationship with...

I agree with you.

Jimmy Choo · #9 03-11-2008, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KonfidentOne

But in a healthy relationship, isn't your significant other supposed to be your friend too? Your friends are obviously not in a healthy relationship if she's cheating. This may only be my opinion, but I think you need to be able to truly call someone your friend before you try to establish a serious relationship with them. People who are your friends have your best interest at heart, which is something I know that I would want from a person that I'm in a relationship with...

You get no arguement from me on the fact that your SO needs to be your friend too. I've been with my SO for 8+ years consider him one of my best friends. However, when we first got together I fell into the trap! The trap of being stuck so far up his ass I forgot what sunlight and fresh air were!! The trap of ignoring my friends and never doing anything without him or even bringing him along!!!

Now I can sit back and realize that was stupid. We fought alot and it's b/c we never spent a minute apart. And that made our relationship highly unhealthy. So now we have our time together and I have my activities that are just for me. I even take a vacation a couple times a year that are seperate just to be able to kick it with the girls.

I guess my rant is that the situation that I spoke of is that my friend is still in that honeymoon stuck-up-the-ass phase. I don't think I'm as bothered by that as the fact that the girl that he has decided to ignore everyone for is a whore. Although I don't know how he could touch her again after know she had been with another guy. But that's what sets me off about the whole thing. It's one thing to be in the lovey-dovey phase but to be in that phase with someone who could give you the clap..... it's just too much for me to understand.

PrettyBoy · #10 03-12-2008, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KonfidentOne

But in a healthy relationship, isn't your significant other supposed to be your BEST friend? Your friends are obviously not in a healthy relationship if she's cheating. This may only be my opinion, but I think you need to be able to truly call someone your friend before you try to establish a serious relationship with them. People who are your friends have your best interest at heart, which is something I know that I would want from a person that I'm in a relationship with...

You and I are -------------->HERE<-------------------

I added a little somethin' to what you said.

PrettyBoy · #11 03-10-2008, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I agree. It's just healthy to maintain friendships. You can't spend ALL of your time with your bf/gf. It's impossible. I mean, you might want to go do something girly like get pedicures, there are some things you just want to do with your girls.

I agree here. A woman spending time with her girlfriends is fine by me, it just all depends on where they're spending their time together.

I don't have a problem with pedicures at all...really I don't. Infact I STRONGLY encourage it.

Munchkin03 · #12 03-11-2008, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I agree here. A woman spending time with her girlfriends is fine by me, it just all depends on where they're spending their time together.

See, most people understand that people in serious relationships (ie, headed towards cohabitation/engagement) aren't really hitting the bars every weekend--nor should they be. I really think what most of us are talking about are the people who can't (or won't) even have coffee with friends when they are in a relationship, regardless of how serious it is.

AGDee · #13 03-11-2008, 06:37 PM

My 14 year old daughter and a group of her friends confronted a friend the other day on this. This gal (we'll call her Sue) is the first in the group to have a real boyfriend and they have been dating for 6 months. At the lunch table, Sue said to the rest of the group "You guys do everything without me now, why don't you ask me to do stuff?" The group pointed out that they invite her to everything but she is always busy with her boyfriend or brings him along. The one thing she has attended without him was my daughter's slumber party but she spent the whole night on the phone with him or texting him. My daughter asked Sue to go to the movies and guess what? The BF came along too. So now Sue is really angry at all the other girls and won't speak to them.

I expect that from 14 year olds.. but not from adults. Adults should realize that no one person can meet all their needs, that frienships are forever but most relationships are not, and that you need to be individuals with your own interests to be able to come together for a healthy relationship. If you do everything together, what do you ever have to talk about with each other?

PrettyBoy · #14 03-12-2008, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

See, most people understand that people in serious relationships (ie, headed towards cohabitation/engagement) aren't really hitting the bars every weekend--nor should they be. I really think what most of us are talking about are the people who can't (or won't) even have coffee with friends when they are in a relationship, regardless of how serious it is.

I really don't think cohabitation/engagement is the issue for me. Even right off the bat, early on in a relationship for me, it still depends on where she's hanging out, and what she considers to be "her girls".

I don't see anything wrong with coffee. Coffee is cool. Clubs and bars are not, and if she has friends that hang out at places like these, that's o.k., as long as she's not hanging out at those places. Also, she's gotta be who she is. My thing is this, don't just not go to clubs/bars with trifling friends just to please me, because now our relationship is built on a lie. She can be who she is. If she wants to go to clubs/bars, so be it, that just means I would have to let her go. That's all.

PrettyBoy · #15 03-10-2008, 01:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Ahh, but your average college relationship--or even your average dating relationship--is nothing like a marriage. I expect folks who are dating seriously or cohabiting to be joined at the hip, but your typical college couple who may not even be together after graduation? That's just co-dependency.

On that same token, if you're not actively working on your friendships while in a relationship, you're not exactly a true friend if you come crying back to them when you find yourself suddenly single. Some of the strongest relationships I know are the ones where both members of the couple have, you know...lives.

Exactly marriage and courting are different, I never said they were the same. 9 times out of 10, your typical college couple will not be together after graduation, because it's a different time now and people have different agendas and morals. 40-50 years ago couples married their highschool sweethearts, and stayed together, unlike today.

I don't see anything wrong with hanging out with friends once in a while, but when I'm in a relationship, I feel strongly about meeting her needs 1st before theirs are met.