When "the one" doesn't think YOU are "the one"

[Bluetiful]

I'm just wondering if anyone here has found "the one" and been together a long time. Then when you think that it's time to take the next step and start discussing marriage (because things have been going great for 5 years - never lived together though) "the one" tells you that he doesn't think that you are "the one" for him. There are no kids involved. The is no cheating, no lying, no abuse of any type involved. It was just an honest heart-to-heart-with-your-best-friend kind of conversation. Nobody is mad at anyone because nobody did anything to anyone. That might have made it easier to leave, weird as it may sound. You know you're a great catch and you know you can't convince the person of this if he doesn't already think so. So you leave.

If you're willing to share, I'm interested in knowing your story. What happened? Where did you find yourself months/years later after "the one" told you that you were not "the one" for him/her? Did you ever find someone else who thought you were "the one?" Does anyone have a happy ending to share- yours or anyone else's?

Thank you in advance to anyone who replies. . . .

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by Bluetiful

I'm just wondering if anyone here has found "the one" and been together a long time. Then when you think that it's time to take the next step and start discussing marriage (because things have been going great for 5 years - never lived together though) "the one" tells you that he doesn't think that you are "the one" for him. There are no kids involved. The is no cheating, no lying, no abuse of any type involved. It was just an honest heart-to-heart-with-your-best-friend kind of conversation. Nobody is mad at anyone because nobody did anything to anyone. That might have made it easier to leave, weird as it may sound. You know you're a great catch and you know you can't convince the person of this if he doesn't already think so. So you leave.

If you're willing to share, I'm interested in knowing your story. What happened? Where did you find yourself months/years later after "the one" told you that you were not "the one" for him/her? Did you ever find someone else who thought you were "the one?" Does anyone have a happy ending to share- yours or anyone else's?

Thank you in advance to anyone who replies. . . .

A few things:

1) Why in THE WORLD would someone stay with someone else for 5+ years but then just randomly say he didn't think she was "the one" for him? The whole thing kind of confuses me. If someone is not feeling it, why do they feel the need to drag the thing out until that "yea, honey? by the way, I don't really think you're the one for me" conversation comes up.

2) I don't think anyone really should have to "convince" their worthiness to being "the one". If the other person is feeling it, they don't need that because it's something they would already know.

3) With that said, I guess I could say that is was happened to me a couple of years back. We did date 5+ years and after having that conversation, we broke up and I kept on steppin'. It just wasn't the right place or at the right time so I think it all worked out for the best. I absolutely would not stay with someone just to try to convince him how great I am.... I'd rather free up my time to find the person who already knows that

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by Bluetiful

I'm just wondering if anyone here has found "the one" and been together a long time. Then when you think that it's time to take the next step and start discussing marriage (because things have been going great for 5 years - never lived together though) "the one" tells you that he doesn't think that you are "the one" for him. There are no kids involved. The is no cheating, no lying, no abuse of any type involved. It was just an honest heart-to-heart-with-your-best-friend kind of conversation. Nobody is mad at anyone because nobody did anything to anyone. That might have made it easier to leave, weird as it may sound. You know you're a great catch and you know you can't convince the person of this if he doesn't already think so. So you leave.

If you're willing to share, I'm interested in knowing your story. What happened? Where did you find yourself months/years later after "the one" told you that you were not "the one" for him/her? Did you ever find someone else who thought you were "the one?" Does anyone have a happy ending to share- yours or anyone else's?

Thank you in advance to anyone who replies. . . .

My husband said I am not his "soulmate"... Does that qualify?

Anyhow, I would NOT be with ANYONE for more than a year, dating him, without some kind of commitment (if I wanted it) for him to fix his mouth to say, "I am not the O-N-E"!!! EFF THAT!!!

Oh, now he feels that way after he got his milk... Oh, now he feels that way that we know each other and are vulnerable... Oh, now he feels that way when we made our happydays together again...

"I am not the O-N-E"!!! I would be nice and let him go... Then after he smells himself and snakes his way back to me, I would have to see if he is about something I appreciate in life... Because maybe, I am not the "O-N-E" to tolerate the mess...

Like Dick Gregory says, "Huh?"

[SoCalGirl]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

My husband said I am not his "soulmate"... Does that qualify?

This reminds me of a former co-worker who shared with me that his wife was pissed at him because when she asked if he thought there was a woman who would be a better match he said "odds are yes there is". I told him he was no longer allowed to answer questions without calling me first. I was constantly trying to explain to him how women's brains work and logic is not absolutely always the best way to come up with an answer.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

My husband said I am not his "soulmate"... Does that qualify?

How does that make you feel?

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

I was constantly trying to explain to him how women's brains work and logic is not absolutely always the best way to come up with an answer.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

No one wants to hear that there may be a better match. Many people know that there may be more than one soulmate but hearing your mate tell you that is a different story.

To the OP: I agree with AKA Monet. That sucks after that long of a relationship. But people are always free to tell you whatever they want. That doesn't mean you won't be pissed or hurt. Chances are, you will move on and be happily single or happily find someone else. You might look back and say "thank God that I got out of that relationship so I could be available for this new one."

This thread made me think of the singer Pink and her breakup with her hubby. http://entertainment.msn.com/music/h...2&silentchk=1&

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

How does that make you feel?

As a Christian, I am asked to forgive and forget... BUT, it is very, very hard to let go and let God... He said that crap when we were newlyweds. He says different things now...

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

As a Christian, I am asked to forgive and forget... BUT, it is very, very hard to let go and let God... He said that crap when we were newlyweds. He says different things now...

Ohhhhhhh...*whew*...thanks for clarifying.

Wait...you mean he's singing a different tune or says different things of the same nature. Pardon me if I'm being nosey.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Ohhhhhhh...*whew*...thanks for clarifying.

Wait...you mean he's singing a different tune or says different things of the same nature. Pardon me if I'm being nosey.

Somedays he sings a completely different tune because I must have cursed his assets out a few days ago... But for the most part he is saying different things of the same nature...

Yeah, how come the nosiness today? Just asking?

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Somedays he sings a completely different tune because I must have cursed his assets out a few days ago... But for the most part he is saying different things of the same nature...

Yeah, how come the nosiness today? Just asking?

Yikes.

Because you shared that your husband told you that you're not his soul mate and that it bothers you. Now you're sharing that he's saying things of the same nature years later. I'm just surprised to see someone confess to experiencing that in their current relationship. That would make me sad. I've heard people say that they believe their spouse is one of their soul mates but never that they aren't a soul mate at all. But as long as it doesn't pose problems and isn't a deal breaker for you and yours, best of luck to ya.

[SoCalGirl]

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

I was constantly trying to explain to him how women's brains work and logic is not absolutely always the best way to come up with an answer.

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I'm not sure what you mean here.

To my friend, his wife wasn't asking "am I your one an only". He took it as a statisical question and answered the way he did. He understood the question but not the intent of the question. Which is why a logical answer was all kinds of wrong. Does that make more sense? He could never quite seem to get that he had to think about the question behind the question before answering. "Veiled questions" are something most guys don't do but for women it's second nature that we don't even find it odd. I think it's so common for women that we don't question if it's a positive or negative trait. I think it's part of the way that we just communicate differently than men. We don't intend to ask loaded questions. They just come out that way.

But anyways, I'm not trying to derail this thread.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Yikes.

Because you shared that your husband told you that you're not his soul mate and that it bothers you. Now you're sharing that he's saying things of the same nature years later. I'm just surprised to see someone confess to experiencing that in their current relationship. That would make me sad. I've heard people say that they believe their spouse is one of their soul mates but never that they aren't a soul mate at all. But as long as it doesn't pose problems and isn't a deal breaker for you and yours, best of luck to ya.

Well, of course I am hurt, but it is called domestic violence to beat his head with a chair and no one is worth me going to prison over...

Naw, if I left him due to diarrhea of the mouth and premature loose lips in our marriage, I would have been unable to work on those things that he actually adds to my life.

No one is perfect before the marriage altar and holding onto our vows we made are truer now than ever before. I guess this is what we are doing together. And my husband and I eloped. So he did not know my soul back then, really. And then I had my ideas about a marital relationship that I have now found to be inaccurate for me.

To be married and sustain it, what worked for me, us, is ultimately, we chose each other to love.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To be married and sustain it, what worked for me, us, is ultimately, we chose each other to love.

Oh I look at soulmates as a choice to love, too, so my view of soul mate may differ with others'. I believe that people are brought into your life for a reason but that every soulmate or person you love isn't marriage potential. When it's all said and done, we choose who to get to know and whether we want to take it to the next level.

No doubt you've got it all in check.

It just made me think of the OP's question about "the one" and how some people would keep trying even if their mate (even spouse) told them that they aren't "the one." But that may be different than soul mate, depending on how folks define it.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

To my friend, his wife wasn't asking "am I your one an only". He took it as a statisical question and answered the way he did. He understood the question but not the intent of the question. Which is why a logical answer was all kinds of wrong. Does that make more sense? He could never quite seem to get that he had to think about the question behind the question before answering. "Veiled questions" are something most guys don't do but for women it's second nature that we don't even find it odd. I think it's so common for women that we don't question if it's a positive or negative trait. I think it's part of the way that we just communicate differently than men. We don't intend to ask loaded questions. They just come out that way.

But anyways, I'm not trying to derail this thread.

I see what you mean but I don't think it's a woman thing.

Couples who have "soul mate" and "the one" discussions with one another are often doing so in a veiled manner. Both men and women would rather not have certain questions answered honestly. And sometimes they want honesty because they are looking for an "out." So they will ask certain questions expecting a certain answer, rather than just being straight forward and saying "I don't think you're 'the one'/I don't want to be with you" or "I'm insecure because you don't treat me like 'the one.'"

This doesn't really derail the thread because dating and relationships are very much about communication. Being told you're not "the one" after years of dating could mean that the couple has been miscommunicating, or being veiled, throughout the relationship.

[DSTCHAOS]

Maybe this thread didn't go where the OP hoped it would.

[Bluetiful]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Maybe this thread didn't go where the OP hoped it would.

That's ok DSTChaos. It is GC after all. I'm still interested in what everyone has to say, even if it may not adress my original post. In a way, it's all related. For example, I liked reading AKA_Monet's posts/views on marriage and SoCalGirl's opinion about gender communication etc. etc.