When "the one" doesn't think YOU are "the one"

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

My husband said I am not his "soulmate"... Does that qualify?

How does that make you feel?

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

I was constantly trying to explain to him how women's brains work and logic is not absolutely always the best way to come up with an answer.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

No one wants to hear that there may be a better match. Many people know that there may be more than one soulmate but hearing your mate tell you that is a different story.

To the OP: I agree with AKA Monet. That sucks after that long of a relationship. But people are always free to tell you whatever they want. That doesn't mean you won't be pissed or hurt. Chances are, you will move on and be happily single or happily find someone else. You might look back and say "thank God that I got out of that relationship so I could be available for this new one."

This thread made me think of the singer Pink and her breakup with her hubby. http://entertainment.msn.com/music/h...2&silentchk=1&

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

How does that make you feel?

As a Christian, I am asked to forgive and forget... BUT, it is very, very hard to let go and let God... He said that crap when we were newlyweds. He says different things now...

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

As a Christian, I am asked to forgive and forget... BUT, it is very, very hard to let go and let God... He said that crap when we were newlyweds. He says different things now...

Ohhhhhhh...*whew*...thanks for clarifying.

Wait...you mean he's singing a different tune or says different things of the same nature. Pardon me if I'm being nosey.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Ohhhhhhh...*whew*...thanks for clarifying.

Wait...you mean he's singing a different tune or says different things of the same nature. Pardon me if I'm being nosey.

Somedays he sings a completely different tune because I must have cursed his assets out a few days ago... But for the most part he is saying different things of the same nature...

Yeah, how come the nosiness today? Just asking?

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Somedays he sings a completely different tune because I must have cursed his assets out a few days ago... But for the most part he is saying different things of the same nature...

Yeah, how come the nosiness today? Just asking?

Yikes.

Because you shared that your husband told you that you're not his soul mate and that it bothers you. Now you're sharing that he's saying things of the same nature years later. I'm just surprised to see someone confess to experiencing that in their current relationship. That would make me sad. I've heard people say that they believe their spouse is one of their soul mates but never that they aren't a soul mate at all. But as long as it doesn't pose problems and isn't a deal breaker for you and yours, best of luck to ya.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Yikes.

Because you shared that your husband told you that you're not his soul mate and that it bothers you. Now you're sharing that he's saying things of the same nature years later. I'm just surprised to see someone confess to experiencing that in their current relationship. That would make me sad. I've heard people say that they believe their spouse is one of their soul mates but never that they aren't a soul mate at all. But as long as it doesn't pose problems and isn't a deal breaker for you and yours, best of luck to ya.

Well, of course I am hurt, but it is called domestic violence to beat his head with a chair and no one is worth me going to prison over...

Naw, if I left him due to diarrhea of the mouth and premature loose lips in our marriage, I would have been unable to work on those things that he actually adds to my life.

No one is perfect before the marriage altar and holding onto our vows we made are truer now than ever before. I guess this is what we are doing together. And my husband and I eloped. So he did not know my soul back then, really. And then I had my ideas about a marital relationship that I have now found to be inaccurate for me.

To be married and sustain it, what worked for me, us, is ultimately, we chose each other to love.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To be married and sustain it, what worked for me, us, is ultimately, we chose each other to love.

Oh I look at soulmates as a choice to love, too, so my view of soul mate may differ with others'. I believe that people are brought into your life for a reason but that every soulmate or person you love isn't marriage potential. When it's all said and done, we choose who to get to know and whether we want to take it to the next level.

No doubt you've got it all in check.

It just made me think of the OP's question about "the one" and how some people would keep trying even if their mate (even spouse) told them that they aren't "the one." But that may be different than soul mate, depending on how folks define it.

[SoCalGirl]

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

I was constantly trying to explain to him how women's brains work and logic is not absolutely always the best way to come up with an answer.

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I'm not sure what you mean here.

To my friend, his wife wasn't asking "am I your one an only". He took it as a statisical question and answered the way he did. He understood the question but not the intent of the question. Which is why a logical answer was all kinds of wrong. Does that make more sense? He could never quite seem to get that he had to think about the question behind the question before answering. "Veiled questions" are something most guys don't do but for women it's second nature that we don't even find it odd. I think it's so common for women that we don't question if it's a positive or negative trait. I think it's part of the way that we just communicate differently than men. We don't intend to ask loaded questions. They just come out that way.

But anyways, I'm not trying to derail this thread.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

To my friend, his wife wasn't asking "am I your one an only". He took it as a statisical question and answered the way he did. He understood the question but not the intent of the question. Which is why a logical answer was all kinds of wrong. Does that make more sense? He could never quite seem to get that he had to think about the question behind the question before answering. "Veiled questions" are something most guys don't do but for women it's second nature that we don't even find it odd. I think it's so common for women that we don't question if it's a positive or negative trait. I think it's part of the way that we just communicate differently than men. We don't intend to ask loaded questions. They just come out that way.

But anyways, I'm not trying to derail this thread.

I see what you mean but I don't think it's a woman thing.

Couples who have "soul mate" and "the one" discussions with one another are often doing so in a veiled manner. Both men and women would rather not have certain questions answered honestly. And sometimes they want honesty because they are looking for an "out." So they will ask certain questions expecting a certain answer, rather than just being straight forward and saying "I don't think you're 'the one'/I don't want to be with you" or "I'm insecure because you don't treat me like 'the one.'"

This doesn't really derail the thread because dating and relationships are very much about communication. Being told you're not "the one" after years of dating could mean that the couple has been miscommunicating, or being veiled, throughout the relationship.

[DivineDiva47]

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

[AKA_Monet]

I forgot to add:

A horse doesn't miss his water until his well runs dry... And you can lead a horse to water but you cain't make him drink...

I just saw a "Happy Bunny" comment, but I am unable to find it now.

[PrettyInPink777]

Originally Posted by DivineDiva47

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

Girl, you'd better go ahead and Preach! This is really Ridiculously timely for me right now ... Thanks - I needed that

[DivineDiva47]

Originally Posted by PrettyInPink777

Girl, you'd better go ahead and Preach! This is really Ridiculously timely for me right now ... Thanks - I needed that

Smile...anytime Sistergreek!

[IlovemyAKA]

Originally Posted by DivineDiva47

I have been in that place before where a man didn't think that I was the ONE. The fool ended up marrying someone else that CHEATED ON him and now they are divorced. Since its been many years he now says that he should have married me. But that door has been closed because I now know that God saved me from a man that didn't know who he was and surely not who he is in Christ.

Fast forward: Now that I have re-directed my life and the way that I see and expect a relationship to be I view them differently. Because I am a Christian I have a different outlook on the way relationships go. I believe that there is a man out there that was created just for me and that when God sees fit to join our lives that is when I will marry. We as women have to understand that we can't make a man our " Assignment" Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD so we have to let them find us and if he doesn't feel that I am the one then eventually he will leave me when he does. A friend once told me "when a man wants you NOTHING will keep him from you" so in my singleness I wait for the man that will give me that "Agape Love". I want to be loved "from my soul out" not from what "he sees in"...does that make sense (smile). I figure if God can part the Red Sea he can lead this "missing rib" to the body I am fashioned from.


For those who may not know what Agape is:

Agape is pronounced "ah-GAH'-pay". It is a Greek word. Found first in the biblical New Testament, agape expresses the spiritual, not physical, love of God for his people. It is an unconditional love and concern for others. Agape is a love that accepts everyone for who they are. This is the same love that God expressed for us through the death of Jesus Christ, His Son (1 John 4:9,10). It is a selfless love.

I needed it as well. I had a flashback from a sermon when you mentioned that "Agape Love". I knew exactly what you meant before I got to the definition. It's time for me to find peace in my "right now" and further strengthen my relationship with Him while patiently praying for that type of intimacy here on earth.

[PrettyBoy]

This used to happen to me, but that was when I had no boundaries. I was always faithful and honest with these women, but since I had no boundaries, I would just let them into my life without really seeing the real person inside. I would find myself in relationships with women I wasn't compatible with. Now I have boundaries, because to me boundaries serve two major functions. First they define me as a man, and they show what I am and what I am not, what I agree with and what I disagree with, what I like and what I dislike. The 2nd function of boundaries is that they protect me, because they keep good things in and bad things out. In a relationship, when we don't have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people.

When we have well developed boundaries, spiritually we're more drawn to healthy growing people who want long term relationships, and are willing to work to stay together. We're clear about what we'll tolerate and what we like. I do think it's wrong to be with someone for a long time and then just call it quits for no reason except for "You're not the one." To me, jokers like this more than likely want to have their cake and eat it too, or they're just plain tired of the person they're with. I think when our boundaries are unclear we run the risk of allowing jokers inside our lives who shouldn't be there in the first place.