I hate my boyfriend's fraternity

gem_star17 · #1 10-29-2007, 02:09 AM

how common is it for girlfriends and brothers not to get along? how do the rest of the guys treat the brother dating the "bitch" ?

i love my boyfriend of 3 years but i HATE his fraternity. im sure the feeling is mutual. im not one of those girls that likes being at the house- infact, i avoid it. im not down with being surrounded by obnoxious, random girls.

i'm not into the social scene- i would rather hang out at the library during weekends; my boyfriend is the oppossite. So, we barely see each other so when we do, i kinda just want it to be just us. I dont want his friends tagging along ( or anyone else).

needless to say, i am extremely unpopular with his friends. I cant even talk to him without them making some obnoxious comment in the background. i love him but im beginning to wonder if i even wanna deal with this. Ive been at odds with his brothers for about 2/3 years. i

m beginning to think i should just pretend to like them and make things easier for my man, but am i over reacting? wouldnt he have dissassociated if things were as bad as I imagine?

KSUViolet06 · #2 10-29-2007, 02:21 AM

This happens sometimes. My Big's boyfriend is a Delta Chi and I've heard stories about the girlfriends they don't like.

If these guys are saying rude things to you, you need to let him know so he can address the issue with his brothers. They don't have to love you, but they should not be calling you names. If he won't stick up for you and let them know that's not cool, then honestly, do you really want to be with him?

Also something to put this in perspective, he won't be an collegiate fraternity member forever. Eventually he'll graduate and the whole hanging around the house thing will be a non-issue (except for special occasions and alumni events).

gem_star17 · #3 10-29-2007, 05:50 AM

thank you KSU. Mine is in Pi kapp. Unfortunately. I wish he was in D-chi because the ones i know are sooo nice and are a lot of fun.

AlethiaSi · #4 10-29-2007, 09:46 AM

This definitely happens, my ex was in a local fraternity and they all treated me like crap. I put up with it, but eventually got too frustrated (with him and the frat). KSUviolet is right, you and his fraternity guys don't have to love each other, but that does not give them the right to say such things.
He won't be in this place for the rest of his life. and I'm sure that you love each other, but you even said that you are different in terms of social circles and the like... are there other things that are different as well? 3 years is a long time.
I'm not saying these things to make you paranoid or upset...just pointing them out...?

SydneyK · #5 10-29-2007, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

If these guys are saying rude things to you, you need to let him know so he can address the issue with his brothers.

I agree that her bf needs to know what his brothers are saying to her. However, I think she should address the rudeness herself before sending her bf in. Then, if the brothers don't respond positively, her bf should approach them. But it's her battle first.

DSTCHAOS · #6 10-29-2007, 10:08 AM

From reading this, it seems as though you may not have very much in common with your boyfriend, that his fraternity brothers don't respect EITHER of you, and that your relationship may not be worth saving because he's not mature enough to hold onto an adult relationship.

I suggest telling him how you feel and then allowing him to decide whether he'd rather date you or his fraternity brothers.

DSTCHAOS · #7 10-29-2007, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

I agree that her bf needs to know what his brothers are saying to her. However, I think she should address the rudeness herself before sending her bf in. Then, if the brothers don't respond positively, her bf should approach them. But it's her battle first.

The dudes say obnoxious things in the background when they're on the phone. Her boyfriend knows that they're saying things, even if he doesn't know everything they're saying to her all the time. The fact that he lets just a little slide, let's me know that he doesn't value the relationship and is immature. He should've cussed them out years ago and worked on salvaging his relationship rather than trying to keep the peace with his fraternity brothers (who probably aren't his friends, anyway).

gem_star17 · #8 10-29-2007, 11:53 AM

thanks for your responses.

yes, he def knows what is happening. But I'm not exactly timid, so it's been a back and forth thing between me and them. its been going on for years and its so old. i really thought it was one of those unspoken rules where you couldnt go against your brothers.thats why i was wondering how common this kind of thing was. i never even considered him defending me because i had no idea he could.

and alethia, we dont have much in common. but 3 yrs is a long time and i think thats the main reason we're still together.

AlphaFrog · #9 10-29-2007, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gem_star17

i never even considered him defending me because i had no idea he could.

Umm...WTF? OF COURSE he can defend you. Whether he has the balls to seems to be more of what's in question.

DSTCHAOS · #10 10-29-2007, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gem_star17

thanks for your responses.

yes, he def knows what is happening. But I'm not exactly timid, so it's been a back and forth thing between me and them. its been going on for years and its so old. i really thought it was one of those unspoken rules where you couldnt go against your brothers.thats why i was wondering how common this kind of thing was. i never even considered him defending me because i had no idea he could.

I would've dumped him years ago.

MysticCat · #11 10-29-2007, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

I agree that her bf needs to know what his brothers are saying to her. However, I think she should address the rudeness herself before sending her bf in. Then, if the brothers don't respond positively, her bf should approach them. But it's her battle first.

Nope. It's his battle first. He shouldn't make her be the heavy.

I'll agree, though, that she shouldn't be sending him in. He should be taking care of it without her having to ask.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Also something to put this in perspective, he won't be an collegiate fraternity member forever. Eventually he'll graduate and the whole hanging around the house thing will be a non-issue (except for special occasions and alumni events).

Again, I'll have to disgree. Sure, he won't be an active in a few years, and college will be behind them, but if it's not his fraternity brothers, it'll be some other group of friends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gem_star17

and alethia, we dont have much in common. but 3 yrs is a long time and i think thats the main reason we're still together.

Do you really want it to turn into 4 or 5 years if you don't have that much in common and he's not willing to stand up for you?

AlethiaSi · #12 10-29-2007, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I would've dumped him years ago.

Yeah, but thats you though... I mean no matter what we think, we ALL have been in relationships that went on too long, for whatever reason, and they weren't always good for us.
Gem- i can see what you mean about not being "able" to, in regards to fraternity , perhaps the order of things, etc but Alphafrog is right, it is a matter of what is more important to him. Especially if you have stepped in and said something to him and he KNOWS that it bothers you. I would take those kinds of things into consideration.
Will we always get along with our significant others' friends? no not necessarily, but having the strength to stand up to them and not having your partner at least respect your wishes and back you up, can be a serious problem.
I mean would this happen whether a fraternity was involved or not? I'm not sure, if anything, I would think that they'd be more respectful, but not always, like in my case with my ex.

I would try to talk to him, let him know how you feel... and perhaps youmight just have to hit the wall where you can't take it anymore. Three years is a long time, but if you're being treated like that and he's not making as much of an effort to do things that you both want to do... then really... what is the use of holding on to a past that may or may not repeat itself?
good luck! let us know how things go!

SydneyK · #13 10-29-2007, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gem_star17

it's been a back and forth thing between me and them. its been going on for years and its so old.

This is different than what I had imagined based on your first post. If it's been this way for years, and your bf knows it and hasn't done anything to stop it, I really don't understand why you've stuck around for so long. Honestly, he might be wondering the same thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gem_star17

but 3 yrs is a long time and i think thats the main reason we're still together.

That's not a very good reason for staying together.

gem_star17 · #14 10-29-2007, 12:27 PM

you all have good points and have made me consider options that i didnt even know were possible ( like disagreeing with is brothers). i guess i just didnt know how much he could do for me and i just wondered if a lot of fraternities were this possessive with their members. now, we only see each other once every 2 weeks (because everytime i see him i think of his brothers) yet his brothers STILL insist on tagging along and accusse me of being selfish when i say no. after awhile, it made me worry i was really hurting their fraternity. despite what it may seem, thats the last thing i want to do.

"If it's been this way for years... I really don't understand why you've stuck around for so long." we're about to graduate and he keeps assuring me things will be different once we graduate. i remember how great things were before he joined so i want to believe him.

DSTCHAOS · #15 10-29-2007, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlethiaSi

Yeah, but thats you though... I mean no matter what we think, we ALL have been in relationships that went on too long, for whatever reason, and they weren't always good for us.

I believe I did type "I would've."

I have never been in a long term relationship that lasted too long. I am quick to end meaningless wastes of time before it hits the 1 year mark.

More than that, I would never ask for opinions from friends, family, or random people on the internet if these opinions don't/won't count for anything. Keep it to yourself if you want to be able to process it all and act on your own.