Helicopter Parents' Retro Recruitment Thread

[Army Wife'79]

Originally Posted by AlphaGamUGAAlum

(This is an issue I unfortunately have had ample opportunity to observe. What seems to happen is that the nutty ones, rather than being condemned for being the nut-job-offspring-cripplers they are, get what they want for their kids in the short term. Other parents then begin to wonder if their normal parenting is actually neglectful and begin to copy the helicopter style. Then the helicopters have to kick it up a notch even further to demonstrate their devoted parenting (because it is really about their fear of being inadequate rather than anything to do with the kid), and we're just in a terrible race to ruining a generation or two. We need to quit enabling the helicopters to mistake their over-involved yet dysfunctional parenting for good parenting. It can be as harmful or worse in result for the individual kids as neglectful parenting, and it's sure as heck worse for the rest of us.)

This is so true. Back in MY day, parents never set foot in a high school until graduation day or maybe attend a Science Fair or something. In grade school we had room mothers who baked cupcakes for birthdays, that's it. Nobody had Parent Teacher conferences. If your parents had to go to school for a conference, that was VERY VERY bad. If you were doing fine and not a problem, no need for a conference. I have been made to feel guilty by peer parents for not watching my son (when he was in HS) at every practice and game. It is HIS hobby, HIS sport, not mine. I don't make him watch me quilt for 2 hours a week which is my hobby. I attended 2 games a year just to show support but the other Mom's thought I was almost abusive for not going to the games. I had the entire team over for dinner senior year which is a lot more effort than sitting in bleachers! I watched D at her yearly dance recital but certainly didn't watch every practice (which other Mom's did as they had one way glass and chairs set up to watch the girls). I think we are way too obsessed with our kids today and that's why they turn into "boomarang kids" and move back home when they can't function in the real world.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

This is so true. Back in MY day, parents never set foot in a high school until graduation day or maybe attend a Science Fair or something. In grade school we had room mothers who baked cupcakes for birthdays, that's it. Nobody had Parent Teacher conferences. If your parents had to go to school for a conference, that was VERY VERY bad. If you were doing fine and not a problem, no need for a conference. I have been made to feel guilty by peer parents for not watching my son (when he was in HS) at every practice and game. It is HIS hobby, HIS sport, not mine. I don't make him watch me quilt for 2 hours a week which is my hobby. I attended 2 games a year just to show support but the other Mom's thought I was almost abusive for not going to the games. I had the entire team over for dinner senior year which is a lot more effort than sitting in bleachers! I watched D at her yearly dance recital but certainly didn't watch every practice (which other Mom's did as they had one way glass and chairs set up to watch the girls). I think we are way too obsessed with our kids today and that's why they turn into "boomarang kids" and move back home when they can't function in the real world.

People are watching PRACTICE? That is insane! My parents came to almost all of my meets (living a block from the high school helps) but they never came to a practice. That's nuts. Those ladies need jobs.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

I have been made to feel guilty by peer parents for not watching my son (when he was in HS) at every practice and game. It is HIS hobby, HIS sport, not mine. I don't make him watch me quilt for 2 hours a week which is my hobby. I attended 2 games a year just to show support but the other Mom's thought I was almost abusive for not going to the games. I had the entire team over for dinner senior year which is a lot more effort than sitting in bleachers!

I'm certainly not going to call you abusive, but I think there is a big difference between being a helicopter parent and going to my kids' games. If my son was playing football or basketball or whatever, I'd be at every game -- not because I thought he couldn't do it without me or needed my help (the marks of helicopter parents), but because I would want to watch him play.

I watched D at her yearly dance recital but certainly didn't watch every practice (which other Mom's did as they had one way glass and chairs set up to watch the girls). I think we are way too obsessed with our kids today and that's why they turn into "boomarang kids" and move back home when they can't function in the real world.

I would never watch all the dance practices (or sports practices) either. But where I live lots of parents stay and watch the practices because there really isn't time for them to go anywhere else.

I can vouch for my two parents who never missed a game, recital, play or whetever that any of us were involved in, and they were about as far from helicopter parents as parents come -- their job, as they saw it, was to render themselves unnecessary.

Support =/= hovering. It's all in how it's balance.

[DeltAlum]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

This is so true. Back in MY day, parents never set foot in a high school until graduation day or maybe attend a Science Fair or something.

That's a little hard core, isn't it?

We went to all of the events (plays, musicals, sports events) in which our kids were involved. We volunteered our help to support groups whenever asked. The ticket prices we paid helped support the programs.

That doesn't make a "helicopter" parent -- whatever that means.

When daughter number one went off to Ohio University for college, I drove over with her, helped her move into her condo and drove home. We saw her on holidays and summers, except for two times when I was in the area on business and dropped in and bought her lunch.

Same when our son went to the University of Oklahoma, I helped him move into the dorm and then drove home. We visited campus four or five times when he was in shows.

That is support -- pure and simple. If someone thinks that's wrong -- that's sad.

I understand the "stage mother" or extreme soccer mom syndrome, but let's not be too quick with the condemnation for the average family who wants to give their kids support in their formative years.

Or should all parents really stay away from school, watch the programs die because the schools can't afford to offer athletics, music, art and other humanities?

[UGAalum94]

No, you should attend performances, support the booster club, go to games, etc.

But you shouldn't try to meddle in everything to seek an advantage for your child or attended the practices and rehearsals for the events.

[AGDee]

I think whether you attend practices depends on the age of the child and how well you know the coach. Personally, when I coached soccer, I preferred when parents stayed for practice. It was far better than them arriving 30 minutes after practice was supposed to end! But, I had 6 and 7 year old boys and no assistant coach too, so the help with practices was appreciated. We liked when parents stayed for some of the Cub Scout meetings too, especially one mom whose son was learning disabled. It would have been hard for the two of us to manage 13 boys and deal with his special needs without chaos reigning.

I'm apparently abusive too though... My son got CHOIR on his schedule (CHOIR!!!!!!) and hadn't signed up for it. It's his first year of middle school and he wasn't sure what to do. His sister and I told him he just needed to go to the office and ask them if he could change it something else. He wanted me to do it. I told him I would go with him but that he had to do the talking. He practiced with me first..lol. We walked in the office and the secretary said "Can I help you?". My son froze and then nudged me, wanting me to answer. I turned to him and said "Tell her what the problem is" and he recited his practiced line "I got choir but I didn't sign up for it". Anyway, in the long run, he talked to the secretary and the school counselor and I didn't do the talking. I will go do penance for it now...

[WarEagle07]

I don't think that anyone is insinuating that parents who are involved at the primary and secondary school level are helicoptering. Most schools encourage parental involvement and some private schools even require it. There is a direct correlation between parental involvement and school success. The problem arises when a parent can not separate their childs emotions from their own and what should be an 'I' event becomes a 'we' event. A young adult should have learned how to speak and do for themselves before they reach the college campus. But somehow rush can turn into a 'we' event and we see posts that contain phrases like 'our rho chi' or 'what should we do'.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I think whether you attend practices depends on the age of the child and how well you know the coach. Personally, when I coached soccer, I preferred when parents stayed for practice. It was far better than them arriving 30 minutes after practice was supposed to end! But, I had 6 and 7 year old boys and no assistant coach too, so the help with practices was appreciated. We liked when parents stayed for some of the Cub Scout meetings too, especially one mom whose son was learning disabled. It would have been hard for the two of us to manage 13 boys and deal with his special needs without chaos reigning.

I'm apparently abusive too though... My son got CHOIR on his schedule (CHOIR!!!!!!) and hadn't signed up for it. It's his first year of middle school and he wasn't sure what to do. His sister and I told him he just needed to go to the office and ask them if he could change it something else. He wanted me to do it. I told him I would go with him but that he had to do the talking. He practiced with me first..lol. We walked in the office and the secretary said "Can I help you?". My son froze and then nudged me, wanting me to answer. I turned to him and said "Tell her what the problem is" and he recited his practiced line "I got choir but I didn't sign up for it". Anyway, in the long run, he talked to the secretary and the school counselor and I didn't do the talking. I will go do penance for it now...

You handled this perfectly. You supported your son into being able to handle a problem himself. He is one step closer to being able to advocate completely for himself and live life as a productive adult one day (albeit, one who doesn't sing in the choir).

Getting the kids to do things for themselves is the key.

One of the best examples of helicopter parenting was from a UGA adviser about a students who when working on a his schedule and plan of study just called his mother and put the adviser on the line. That's the fruit of helicoptering.

It sounds like in the cases you are describing, you wanted parental assistance and you got it. I don't think there is a problem with that. It also sounds that the parents understood their roles and didn't try to usurp your leadership. Helicopter parents are incapable of doing that. Some of the difference in helicoptering and normal parenting, I think, is that helicopter parents decide to do things that no one has asked them to do or wants them to do.