Alpha Phi dies of alcohol poisioning at SDSU

[33girl]

Originally Posted by srmom

My brother died by getting into a car with a kid who had been drinking. He was 13 years old. It completely devastated my family! I have told my kids about the experience with the idea that they should know that bad things do happen when you least expect them to and that noone is immune. I hope that they have listened to me because it would kill me if anything happened to them.

There's a BIG difference between telling kids about someone they never knew (I'm assuming, unless you were really really really older than your brother) 20+ years after the fact, and shoving messages down their throats when they're devastated at the loss of a friend.

MC, if my child started a dialogue with me about drunk driving as a result of a friend's death in an accident or something - that would be fine. But if they wanted to NEVER discuss it (it being their friend's death) with me, that would be fine too. We can talk about drunk driving some other time. Their friend DIED. That's hard enough for them to deal with no matter how it happens. I don't understand why people think it's OK to use a teenager's or young adult's death by misadventure to "teach a lesson" to his peers. One of the women here was killed in a car accident several years ago. We certainly didn't have a company wide showing of a movie about why we should use our seatbelts. No one would have sat through something so insensitive.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I don't understand why people think it's OK to use a teenager's or young adult's death by misadventure to "teach a lesson" to his peers.

And I don't understand why you don't think a parent or teacher can initiate a respectful conversation with their kid or student when tragedy hits close to home. I also don't understand why you can't see that such respectful conversations can be had without being insenstive, without lecturing, without showing stupid movies, without hitting people over the head or shoving messages down their throats, and without dishonoring anyone's memory or anyone's feelings.

I guess we will just have to agree that we don't understand each other on this one and move on. But please, just because someone doesn't share your understanding doesn't make them "pathetic" or "revolting."

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

And I don't understand why you don't think a parent or teacher can initiate a respectful conversation with their kid or student when tragedy hits close to home. I also don't understand why you can't see that such respectful conversations can be had without being insenstive, without lecturing, without showing stupid movies, without hitting people over the head or shoving messages down their throats, and without dishonoring anyone's memory or anyone's feelings.

I guess we will just have to agree that we don't understand each other on this one and move on. But please, just because someone doesn't share your understanding doesn't make them "pathetic" or "revolting."

Because I think it's disrespectful to anyone, be they 6 or 60, to interfere when they are trying to deal with a death, unless your assistance is requested. Everyone deals with it differently and it's a very individual thing, even if it's your child or spouse dealing with it. That's pretty much the sum of it. The important thing is that your child lost a friend, not how the friend was lost.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Because I think it's disrespectful to anyone, be they 6 or 60, to interfere when they are trying to deal with a death, unless your assistance is requested. Everyone deals with it differently and it's a very individual thing, even if it's your child or spouse dealing with it. That's pretty much the sum of it. The important thing is that your child lost a friend, not how the friend was lost.

When it comes to one's children, what you call "intefering" I think I would call "parenting." Ah well, you say potato . . . .

Like I said, we're going to have to agree to disagree here, because it doesn't seem that I am persuading you, and I can assure you that you're not persuading pathetic and revolting me.

[DeltAlum]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

When it comes to one's children, what you call "intefering" I think I would call "parenting.")

I agree -- and we've been through it with our kids -- including friend's OD's, fatal traffic accidents while under the influence, suicides and other tragedies.

If a parent doesn't offer some guidance, they're taken to task for being bad parents.

There's no winning here.

It's interesting now that our "problem child" who "experimented with 'casual'" drugs and finally realized whe was killing herself and went through a thankfully successful rehab looks back now and says, "Dad, most of what you and mom told me turned out to be true, even thought I didn't believe it at the time."

[srmom]

33girl, I completely agree with "not shoving it down their throats." after the death of a friend. As I said before, that would be totally insensitive. (and you're right in that my kids didn't know him)

But, in the case of the death of a friend, I might take the time to gently tell my child how much I love him and how hard it would be for me to lose him - under any circumstances - and to please be careful and use good judgement. I don't think that is "shoving it down their throat"

There has to be sensitivity in everything, but as we all know, that is not always the case. I can see how, out of fear, a parent might freak out and say something in the wrong way. Or how someone, out of a feeling of frustration and loss, might try to turn the death of a friend or relative into a crusade. Noone does everything perfectly and to everyone's satisfaction all the time, especially in parenting. We are all just doing the best we can and are learning along the way...

But, this is a completely different discussion

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by srmom

33girl, I completely agree with "not shoving it down their throats." after the death of a friend. As I said before, that would be totally insensitive. (and you're right in that my kids didn't know him)

But, in the case of the death of a friend, I might take the time to gently tell my child how much I love him and how hard it would be for me to lose him - under any circumstances - and to please be careful and use good judgement. I don't think that is "shoving it down their throat"

I agree. If something tragic like that were to happen to a friend of one of my kids, I imagine having an honest conversation that went something like "When these kinds of things happen it terrifies me because I love you so much and I don't know what I would do if I lost you" as well as a discussion of how his/her parents must feel and a reassurance that my child should always feel free to call to be picked up, etc, if there was anything going on that they weren't comfortable with, etc. I think HOW it is approached is the most important part, as well as WHEN you have that part of the conversation. I've never been one for the "Don't do this because I said so" kind of approach, which is what 33girl seems to be addressing.