My friend's relationship, a problem or just normal?

AlethiaSi · #1 05-08-2007, 06:36 PM

Ok, so my friend has been dating this guy for a little over a year, at about 6 months, they moved in together and things were going well. However, the past 6 months or so, they've had a lot of money problems and have been fighting a lot.
In addition, they don't have sex very often, like, once a month or so, and she always has to initiate it. This has been a "problem" since they got together, but she has just let it go, she says he's just not a "sexual" person... Ok, fine (the guy is like 25 btw).

So, the money problems are finally better and things are going relatively well. The other day she got into the shower with him, and he basically ignored her, didn't get a hard on or anything. As she puts it he just kept washing his hair. She feels really rejected now and is thinking about breaking up with him (not just for this, but for basically everything).

My question to all of you is what do you think of my friends situation? Is this normal? Should she expect more?

*I didn't really know what to say to her, and I don't blame her for getting upset, I just was wondering what other people thought about it.*

Drolefille · #2 05-08-2007, 06:49 PM

She needs to talk to him about it. It IS reasonable for her to expect more, but it is UNreasonable for her to assume she's reading his mind, and that he can read hers.

If he's not very sexual, a shower to him could just be a shower. If she's upset about it, it's a problem, especially as it seems like it's been bothering her since the beginning. I doubt she's really just been letting it go.

Communication. If they will both talk about it, there would at least be understanding, if not agreement. And if the situation is one that she decides she does not want to tolerate, she should leave. But talk first.

jubilance1922 · #3 05-08-2007, 06:53 PM

I don't believe that a normally functioning man just isn't "sexual". The sight of a naked woman that a guy is attracted to will give him a hard-on, even if he doesn't want to hump.

I'd say he's either not into her, or he has some type of health problem. This exact situation was on Grey's Anatomy last week, turns out the guy had a tumor on his adrenal gland that caused a low sex drive.

Best of luck to your friend...

Buttonz · #4 05-08-2007, 06:53 PM

Does he have any issues or is he on any meds that might affect his sexual life? And I'm not saying this to be funny or mean, but it's something that I've dealt with in the past.

She really needs to talk to him

Dionysus · #5 05-08-2007, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buttonz

Does he have any issues or is he on any meds that might affect his sexual life? And I'm not saying this to be funny or mean, but it's something that I've dealt with in the past.

She really needs to talk to him

I agree, certain meds WILL mess with your sex drive.

How sexually experienced is he (before her)? Maybe it's a insecurity/nervous/confidence problem.

AlethiaSi · #6 05-08-2007, 07:25 PM

hmmm.. i'm not too sure how sexually experienced he was, my first instinct is to say that he isn't too experienced.....
i don't think he's on meds, she would have told me.... (buttonz- i know what you are saying- and you're right though, they definately can mess with a person (esp sex drive) so you aren't being mean

)

[QUOTE=jubilance1922;1443469] I don't believe that a normally functioning man just isn't "sexual". The sight of a naked woman that a guy is attracted to will give him a hard-on, even if he doesn't want to hump.
[QUOTE]

thats kind of what i thought too.... from the guys- any thoughts?

AKA_Monet · #7 05-08-2007, 07:44 PM

They have to be able to communicate on all levels. Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" is a good book to read.

His love language is not one of physicality. It is a need to him, but under certain circumstances. He may have to be loopy, drunk or high to get with it. If you girlfirend wants to deal with that, fine. But, if she does not, then she has to weigh her options and decide what she can tolerate.

He could just be straight jacking her altogther. But one ought not go into a serious relationship with those kind of major insecurities. What if your friend is too freaky and requires a whip and 5 inch heels to make him get off?

The meer fact that she can jump into the shower with him without him pushing her out or locking the doors suggests he does like her. So, the question becomes, can HE fulfill her requirements for sexual appetite? Probably--NOT. Unless he is willing to practice. In that case, Margaret Anand's "Art of Sexual Ecstasy" is a good book to practice reaching the highest of charkras. And the Muirs, "The Art of Conscious Loving" teaches how to love expansively.

She needs to love herself and be confident in her "abilities". Then, her boy doesn't talk, period, men don't talk generally. So, trying to rip it out of him. Ain't gonna work. What I have found works with my hard as nails husband is either teasing him for some little thing, then going non sequitur on him... One has to gauge the relationship.

Then, it all becomes a matter of how much chit you really want to deal with. Hey, if you don't wanna deal with it, then don't. Life's short. Have fun.

Folks of GC have accused me of not answering questions: Yes, this is normal for most men.

33girl · #8 05-09-2007, 11:40 AM

There is such a thing as being asexual - just not interested in sex in general, be it homo- or hetero-.

On the other side of the coin...

Has this been a problem since the beginning of their relationship or just since they moved in together? There are some guys who tend to turn the girl in the relationship into "mommy" and not someone who excites them anymore - but they do fine with one night stands and things of that sort.

AlphaFrog · #9 05-09-2007, 11:47 AM

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

1908Revelations · #10 05-09-2007, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

There is such a thing as being asexual - just not interested in sex in general, be it homo- or hetero-.

I was thinking asexual reproduation....that is why reading is fundamental

!

AlethiaSi · #11 05-09-2007, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

lol sorry

i appreciate the input though, and so does she (lol i told her i posted this morning- after she got over her initial mortification, she was like... well what did they say??

)

KSig RC · #12 05-09-2007, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Has this been a problem since the beginning of their relationship or just since they moved in together? There are some guys who tend to turn the girl in the relationship into "mommy" and not someone who excites them anymore - but they do fine with one night stands and things of that sort.

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

Dionysus · #13 05-09-2007, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

LMAO, I still found it funny. Well, they must have a really good friendship and a LOT of maturity. If I told one of my friends that my man didn't get a hard on when we took showers together, they would laugh me out the room.

PrettyBoy · #14 05-09-2007, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

AlethiaSi · #15 05-09-2007, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

hm... i actually never thought about that... thats been another theme in their relationship- him being a little too "friendly" with the girls he works with... they've had a few fights about it, but when this came up, its not something either she or I thought of... hmm....